Episode 214 - Chef Aid

[Roll Credits]

[Cafeteria]
Cartman: Stinky britches, you got stinky britches. Stinky stinky britches you got stinky.
Kyle: What the hell are singing Cartman?
Cartman: This new song by Allanis Morrisette. I can't get it out of my head. Stinky britches! You got stinky britches!
Mr. Garrison: Hello children, are you ready for lunch?
Cartman: Stinky britches, you got stinky stinky...
Mr. Garrison: Eric, is there a problem?
Cartman: Ya, I can't get this stupid song out of my head.
Mr. Garrison: Stinky Britches by Allanis Morrisette?
Cartman: Ya. Stinky stinky britches.
Mr. Garrison: Children did you say hi to Mr. Twig?
Mr. Twig: Hi boys, how are you?
Kyle: When is Mr. Hat coming back?
Mr. Garrison: I told you never to say his name in my presence.
Stan: But we hate Mr. Twig. Mr. Twig sucks.
Some kid: Ya.
Cartman: Stinky britches, you got stinky...
Mr. Garrison: It just so happens that Mr. Twig is far more stable than Mr. Hat could ever be. So he's the better puppet.
Kyle: He'd be better use as a coat rack.
[Kids in the cafeteria laugh]
Mr. Garrison (face turns red): How dare you?! C'mon Mr. Twig.
[He leaves]
Chef: Hello there, children.
Boys: Hey Chef.
Cartman: You got stinky britches. Stinky stinky...
Chef: What did you say?
Kyle: He's singing some new hit song.
Chef: Eric, where'd you here that song?
Cartman: It's all over the place. On the radio, MTV, everywhere.
Chef: Well I'll be sound of mind on Christmas. 
Stan: What dude?
Chef: Children, I wrote that song twenty years ago.
Cartman: You wrote it?
Chef: Ya, back when I used to be in the rock business. And now it looks like some big record company has published one of my songs
Kyle: Wow, then you should get money for it.
Chef: Oh, I don't want any money. I just want to see my name on the credit, that's all.
Kyle: Then we should go to the record company. My dad's a lawyer dude. He tells me about this stuff all the time.
Chef: Well, alright. Then I will go. I'll play them my version of the song.

[Capitalist Records]
Chef (on tape): Stinky britches, you got those stinky britches...
Chef: So you see Mr. Record Producer, Stinky Britches was something I wrote several years ago
Producer: Hmmm. I really see no resemblance between that song and Stinky Britches by our artist Allanis Morrisette.
Chef: Huh?
Kyle: It's the same god damned song.
Chef: Now look, I'm trying to be cool about this. But you just can't rip people's music off. It's against the law.
Producer: I AM ABOVE THE LAW!
[His hair messes up. He gels it]
Producer: Mr. Chef I'm afraid you leave me no alternative. We're going to sue you.
Chef: Sue me? You stole one of my songs and you're gonna sue me?
Producer: Yes Chef. I suggest you get a real good lawyer. We'll have the best in the business
Kyle: We'll get my dad to be Chef's lawyer.
Cartman: Ya, he's Jewish.

[Mr. Garrison's House]
[He's watching an Allanis Morrisette video]
Allanis Morrisette: Stinky britches, stinky britches...
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Twig, is that you?
[Walks into kitchen and a pot of water is boiling on the stove]
Mr. Garrison: Mi-Mr. Twig?
[Lifts the cover off the pot to reveal Mr. Twig]
Mr. Garrison: Aahh! Mr. Twig.
[Throws the pot of water off the stove]
Mr. Garrison: No! Who did this to you?! Who?!

[Court]
Gerald: You just let me do all the talking, Chef. We're gonna bring these bastards down.
Judge Moses: This court is now in session. Who is representing the defense?
Gerald: I am your honor. Gerald Broslofski.
Judge Moses: And representing the prosecution?
Johnny Cochrane: I am your honor. Johnny Cochrane.
[Jury gasps]
Gerald: Uh oh.
Chef: Why uh oh?
Gerald: Chef that's Johnny Cochrane. He's the guy that got O.J. off.
Chef: Uh oh.

[Hells Pass Hospital]
Mr. Garrison: I need some help over here! Please help! I think he's got third degree burns!
Doctor: Give the child to me.
Mr. Garrison: Is he going to be alright doctor?
Doctor: Uh...
Mr. Garrison: Is he going to live?
Doctor: It's a stick.
Mr. Garrison: Dammit. Don't give me that medical jargon. Just tell me straight, is he going to be OK?!

[Cartman's House]
Reporter: Now on this fifteenth day of what is considered to be the most important trial of the day, Johnny Cochrane has appeared to defend capitalist records. The question now is will Cochrane use his famous Chewbacca defense?
Cartman: What's a Chewbacca defense?
Kyle: I don't know.
Stan: It's what Cochrane used in the O.J. Simpson trial.
Cartman: God damn I hate that Cochrane guy. If he was here in front of me, I'd be like hey you stupid son of a bitch you...I'll...I'm gonna kick you in the nuts!
Kyle: I'm sure that would scare the hell out of him Cartman.
Gerald (on TV): And in submission Ladies and Gentleman of the jury. You've heard the version of my client's song recorded over twenty years ago. You've heard the exact same song produced by these cheats in the past month. 

[Court]
Gerald: I'd say it's pretty much an open and shut case. Make the right decision. Thank you.
[He walks back to the defense table]
Gerald: We got 'em.
[Chef smiles and gives the OK sign with his hands]
Judge Moses: Mr. Johnny Cochrane, your closing argument.
Johnny Cochrane: Ladies and Gentlemen of this deposed jury, Chef's attorney would certainly want you to believe his client wrote Stinky Britches ten years ago, and they make a good case. Hell, I almost felt pity myself. But Ladies and Gentlemen of this deposed jury, I have one final thing I want you to consider.
[Walks up to a chart stand]
Johnny Cochrane: Ladies and Gentlemen, (Pulls down picture of Chewbacca) this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wooky from the planet Kishic, but Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it. That does not make sense.
Gerald (Whispering): Dammit.
Chef (Whispering): What?
Gerald (Whispering): He's using the Chewbacca defense.
Johnny Cochrane: Why would a Wooky, an eight-foot-tall Wooky, want to live on Endor with a bunch of two-foot-tall Ewoks. That does not make sense. But more important, you have to ask yourself what does this have to do with this case. 
[Jury stares in silence]
Johnny Cochrane: Nothing. Ladies and Gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case.
[Gerald sinks back and covers his eyes]
Johnny Cochrane: It does not make sense. Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending a major record company and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca. Does that make sense? Ladies and Gentlemen I'm am not making any sense. None of this makes sense. And so you have to remember when you're in that jury room deliberating and conjugating the Emancipation Proclamation, does it make sense? No. Ladies and Gentlemen of this deposed jury it does not make sense. If Chewbacca lives on Endor you must acquit. The defense rests.
[Silence]
Judge Moses: OK then

[Cartman's House]
Cartman: Wow he's good.
Reporter: In a teary-eyed courtroom, Johnny Cochrane has just finished his closing arguments, and as was anticipated he did use the Chewbacca defense. [Shows drawing of Chef and Gerald, then Judge Moses, then Johnny Cochrane] Whether or not it worked, it's up to the jury to decide.

[Court]
Judge Moses: How find you the jury.
Juror: We find the defendant, Jerome "Chef" Mackaroy, Guilty as charged.
[Court room gasps]
Gerald: Whoops.
Chef: Whoops?!
Judge Moses: Mr. Chef, you've been found guilty of harassing a major record label. The full fee of two million dollars will be handed over within twenty-four hours.
Chef: Do I look like I have two million dollars?
Judge Moses: Well you have twenty-four hours to find it or else you have to go to jail - for eight million years.
[Some music plays. Bailiff whisper something into the judge's ears]
Judge Moses: Oh, sorry. You'll go to jail for four years.
Chef: This can't be happening.

[Cartman's House]
Stan: Oh no, dude. Chef's gonna go to jail

[Chef's House]
[Guys are taking things from his house]
Producer: And that chair to. I want that chair.
Chef: Hey, that's my favorite chair!
Producer: You heard the judge. Since you lost the case, I can seize whatever I want to pay my legal fees. (To Mover) Ya, take that water cooler too.
Stan: Hello there Chef.
Chef: Hey children.
Kyle: What's goin' on?
Chef: Children, that record company guy is checkin' all my belongings. And if I don't come up with two million dollars, I'm going to jail.
Stan: Don't worry we came over to cheer you up.
Kyle: Ya. Ready Cartman?
Cartman: Ready. (Singing) I will do the German dance for you, it's fun and gay and tra la la. I hope you will enjoy my song, fidilei fidilei ooh. Would you like some sauerkraut German boy, German boy. Yes I'd like some sauerkraut...
Chef: OK, OK. Children, thank you very much. I feel much better.
Stan: You do?
Chef: Sure, sure. Just please stop.
Cartman: See guys, I told it'd work.
Kyle: What's that, dude?
Chef: This? This is my photo album of all my times in the rock biz.
Kyle: Did you know any famous people?
Chef: Did I? Janet Joplin, The Beatles, Elton John. I got to travel all around the world hangin' out with bands, goin' to lavish parties, lovin' many, many women.
Cartman (Points to picture of Chef lying behind a goat): What's that?
Chef: Nothing. Anyway...
Producer: Take this too.
Chef: Hey, that has no monetary value. What the hell are you takin' that for?
Producer: I can take whatever I want.
Chef: Well I have twenty-four hours to come up with your money. That's the law.
Producer: I AM ABOVE THE LAW!
[His hair messes up. He gels it]
Producer: I told you not to mess with me.
Chef: That does it. You know what I'm going to do? I'm gonna raise that two million dollars, but I'm not gonna use it to pay you back. I'm going to use it to hire Johnny Cochrane myself, and sue you!
Producer: (gasps) You wouldn't.
Chef: Watch me. Now get the fudge out of my house!

[Mr. Garrison's House]
[Mr. Twig is lying in bed]
Mr. Garrison: I brought you some more juice Mr. Twig, are you feeling any better? I don't know who would want to hurt you like this, but I promise nobody will ever hurt you again ever. Mr.-Mr. Twig are you OK? Mr.-Mr. Twig?
[Pulls off covers and Mr. Twig is broken in half]
Mr. Garrison: Aaaahhh! Mr. Twig is broken in half! Who did this?! You won't get away with this you bastard!

[Chef's House]
Chef (On the phone): ...OK thank you Mr. Cochrane.
[Hangs up]
Chef: Well Johnny Cochrane will take my case if I can pay his legal fee - two million dollars.
Stan: Hey, why don't you ask all those famous people you used to know for money. They're rich.
Chef: Aw, they wouldn't remember me. All I did was cook for them.
Kyle: You can make two million dollars dude. We can help you.
Chef: I appreciate that children, but raising two million dollars is not an easy thing to do. My only hope is to whore myself to every woman in South Park. Wish me luck children.
Stan: We gotta help him dude.
Kyle: Ya, but, but how?
Stan: C'mon. Maybe those rock stars will remember Chef. Let's go pay them a visit.
[An American Airlines plane takes off (real footage)]

[Outside of Elton John's House]
Kyle: Whoa, dude. This house is huge.
Stan: Ya, it's bigger than Cartman's ass.
Cartman: No it isn't you guys.
[Doorbell rings]
Butler: Can I help you?
Cartman: We are trying to raise money for our friend Chef. Would you like a Mint Crunchy or a Snacky Cake?
Kyle: Are you Elton John?
Butler: No. I'm one of his butlers.
Kyle: Oh, then what the hell are we talking to you for? C'mon guys.
[They walk in to his house]

[Inside Elton John's House]
Kyle: Hi, are you Elton John?
Elton: Sir Elton John. I was knighted you know.
Kyle: We're trying to raise money for our school Chef.
Cartman: We've got chocolate nuggets, and sour crunchies.
Elton: I'm sorry, I'm not a candy bar fan.
Cartman: What?! 
Stan: Would you just buy a couple anyway? Our friend Chef is really...
Elton: Chef? You mean Chef, Chef?
Kyle: Ya, dude.
Stan: Wow. You remember him?
Elton: Of course. I haven't seen him in so long. I remember when I first met him. It was about twenty-five years ago...

[Twenty-five years ago. The Small Bar]
Elton (1998): I was just a struggling musician. I couldn't get a break.
Elton (1973): Oh, oh you're my cheddar-cheese girl. You're supper firm and you go well with wine. Oh, oh Cheddar-cheese girl. Cheddar, cheddar cheese girl.
[Audience throws fruit, vegetables, and glass bottles. Elton dodges it]
Audience: Boooo!
[Shot of Chef. He has a fro]
Chef (1973): Hey, Elton. Don't feel so down baby. Have some of my Scottish Haggis. It'll cheer you up.
Elton: Thanks Chef. I just don't understand what my music is missing.
Chef: Look Elton. You are a great singer, but a retarded monkey could write better lyrics.
Elton: I really thought I had it this time with "Cheddar-Cheese Girl"
Chef: What you need is a guy to write really good lyrics for you. I know a guy named Bernie Chopin who's working at Mosh Burger right now. I'll give him a call.
Elton: That's a great idea.
Chef: And Elton, why don't you get yourself some new threads. You know, some slick glasses and shit...

[The present]
Elton: So I got Bernie to write my lyrics. And if it wasn't for Chef, I would have never have had a career in the music business.
Stan: So will you buy some of our candy bars to help him out.
Elton: Yes, of course! I'll buy three Crispy Yum Yums.
Cartman: Three Crispy Yum Yums.
Stan: Hey Elton, if I give you these lyrics will you write a song for my girl friend Wendy?
Elton: Sure kid. But I would retain exclusive world-wide rights including unlimited agent charges with a twenty percent commission on all the metric sales and sole ownership of any and all publishing.
Stan: Kayy.
Elton: Tell Chef I said hi.
Stan: Thanks Dude.
Kyle: Dude we'll have Chef's two million dollars in no time.

[Kyle's House]
[Sheila is in bed with Chef]
Sheila: Oh thank you Chef.
Chef: No problem, Mrs. Broslofski. Uh now, about that hundred bucks?
Sheila: Of course. Here you go.
[Hands him $100]
Sheila: Leaving so soon?
Chef: I got a looong way to go to raise the kind of money I need.
Sheila: Well, best of luck to you then.
Gerald: How was it, honey?
Sheila: Pretty much what I expected.

[Meat Loaf's House]
[Kyle knocks on the door]
Stan: Hello, are you Meat Loaf?
Meat Loaf: Ya, what the hell do you want?
Cartman: Mr. Loaf, we are selling candy bars for our dying friend. 
Kyle: He's not dying Cartman.
Cartman (Whispering): Shut your god damned mouth.
[He starts to pick through the box of candy]
Cartman: We have Melon Crunchies, Berry Bars...
Meat Loaf: What's this for?
Stan: Our friend Chef.
Meat Loaf: Chef's in trouble?!
Kyle: Ya, do you know him?
Meat Loaf: Do I!

[Flashback. The Pit. Sign says "Now performing Cous-Cous]
Cous-Cous: Nobody came again.
Chef (1973): There, there Cous-Cous. It'll be alright. You just need to change your image.
Cous-Cous: What do you mean?
Chef: Nobody wants to se a guy named Cous-Cous. You need a big, strong, beefy name.
Cous-Cous: Beefy? Like...uh...Tritip!
Chef: That's not bad. Here, have some meatloaf.

[Present]
Meat Loaf: I owe everything to Chef
Stan: Wow! So you'll help him?
Meat Loaf: You bet. Gimme a box of Melly Yum Yum's and a couple of Berry Bars.
Boys: Cool!

[Ms. Crabtree's House]
[Chef's in bed with Ms. Crabtree]
Ms. Crabtree: Alright, let's get this show on the road! Come here baby!
Chef: Uh, uh, hold on a second Ms. Crabtree. How would you like to use some sex toys?
Ms. Crabtree: Sex toys?! Like what?!
[Chef pulls out a paper bag]
Chef: Like this very special device. I call it Chef's pleasure bag.
Ms. Crabtree: How does it work?!
Chef: All you do is put this paper bag over your head and it increases your sexual pleasure.
Ms. Crabtree: Really?! Well hell, let's give it a shot!
[Chef puts the bag on her head]
Chef: Ah ya that's much better.

[Rick James' House]
Rick: Sure, I'll do anything for Chef. Give me a box of those Choco-nums.
Kyle: Gosh, thanks Rick James.
Stan: Ya thanks.

[Street]
Stan: That's thirty-five dollars. C'mon guys. We gotta hurry and get this money to Chef.

[City Hall]
[Chef's in bed with  Mayor McDaniels]
Mayor: Oh that was wonderful Chef. Good Show.
Chef (Not looking so good): I can't keep doing this. It's killing me.
Mayor: Aw, c'mon. Buck up little fella.
Chef: I'm serious. I'm not gonna make it. 
Mayor: Sure you are Chef. I'll give you a hundred more for another run.
[Chef falls on to the floor]
Mayor: Aw hell.

[Mr. Garrison's House]
Mr. Garrison: Thank you for coming Officer Barbrady.
Barbrady: What's this all about?
Mr. Garrison: These pictures just arrived. I set up a camera and caught Mr. Twig's assailant red-handed. Now go arrest them.
[Shows Barbrady the pictures then he looks at them]
Mr. Garrison: What?
Barbrady: Can I go now?
Mr. Garrison: Yes, yes. I-I'm sorry.
Barbrady: Weirdo.
[Barbrady leaves]
[Psycho music begins to play]
Mr. Garrison: It can't be. These can't be right.
[He walks over to a closet and opens it up]
Mr. Garrison: huuuhh.
[Mr. Hat is seen lying on the floor]
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat!

[Chef's House. Police cars are seen]
Stan: Wait, wait. What are you doing?
Chef: It's over children. I couldn't raise the two million dollars to hire Johnny Cochrane now I have to go to jail.
Stan: No you don't.
Chef: Huh?
Kyle: We went to a bunch of rock stars and sold them candy bars to raise the money you needed.
Chef: Did what? Wow! How much did you make?
Kyle: Cartman...
Cartman: Well you can see here that we raised approximately ninety-five dollars, falling well short of our twomillion dollar goal illustrated here.
Chef: Oh.
Kyle: But we can put our money together with the money you made whoring yourself to all the women. How much did you make?
Chef: I made about four hundred ten thousand three hundred dollars but...
Producer: That doesn't matter because that money belongs to me!
Stan: You can't take Chef's money. That's illegal.
Producer: I AM ABOVE THE LAW!
[His hair messes up and he gels it]
Officer 1: Alright you. It's time to go.
Chef: Good bye children. Thanks for all your help.
Officer 1: Lets go.
[He hits Chef over the head with a night-stick]
Chef: Ow! What the hell'd you do that for?
Officer 1: I don't tell you how to do your job, you don't tell me how to do mine.
[As they leave he continues to hit Chef]
Chef: Ow! Ow!
Kyle: Dude, Chef is gone.
Stan: No more Chef.
Cartman: No more Salisbury Steak or Pecan Pie.
[He starts to bawl]
Stan: We can't let him down you guys.
Kyle: Dude it's over. He's gone.
Stan: No! Chef wouldn't give up on us. How many times has Chef gotten us out of trouble?
Cartman: Four.
Kyle: But what are we gonna do?
Stan: It's easy dude - Chef Aid.
Kyle: Chef Aid?
Stan: Ya. We set up a stage and have Cartman do the German dance, then we can charge people for tickets.
Kyle: Hey that is a great idea.
Cartman: Ya.

[Mr. Garrison's house]
[He's pacing around in his boxer shorts]
Mr. Garrison: Did you think I would just take you back? Like you can just walk out and walk back like nothing happened?
[Mr. Hat just sits there]
Mr. Garrison: Oh, don't look at me like that Mr. Hat. Remember, you're the one that left and I'm not going to take you back.

[In front of Mr. Garrison's House]
[He opens the door]
Mr. Garrison: You can just go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
[He throws Mr. Hat]
Mr. Garrison: You are a lying ball of turd Mr. Hat! I hope you starve you lousy son of a bitch!
[A crowd forms]
Mr. Garrison: What are you all looking at. This is between me and Mr. Hat.
Doctor: It's over Mr. Garrison. This is it. We've had enough.
Mr. Garrison: What do ya mean?
Barbrady: I'm afraid it's the big house for you fruitcake.
Mr. Garrison: What?! Jail?!

[Chef Aid]
Cartman: I will do the German dance for you. It's fun and gay and tra la la. I hope you will enjoy my song, fidilei fidilei ooh.
Kyle: Dude this isn't going over so well.
Stan: Cartman just needs to put more into it. (To Cartman) Dance better Cartman!
Cartman (talking faster): Would you like some sauerkraut German boy, German boy? (Really fast) Yes I'd like some sauerkraut ya, ya, ya, ya, ya.
[A limousine pulls up]
Elton: Howdy ho, boys.
Stan: Elton John! What are you doing here?
Elton: It occurred to me you might need some more help raising money for Chef.
Stan: Boy, do we.
Elton: So I called a few friends and we all decided to come over.
Kyle: Wow! Cool!
Elton: I see you've got a stage all set up for us.
Stan: Ya dude. It's all yours.
Elton: Then let's Rock and Role or something similar.
Cartman, Kenny: Hooray!

[South Park Police Dept.]
[Chef and Mr. Garrison are in jail]
Mr. Garrison: ...and Mr. Twig is at home, he has no idea Mr. Hat is even back. I mean I care a lot about Mr. Twig, but Mr. Hat and I have so much history.
Chef: You've finally snapped huh Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: What?
Chef: Don't you get it Garrison. It's all you. You're Mr. Hat and Mr. Twig. You've got split personalities, schizophrenic jeebies.
[Silence]
Mr. Garrison: I warn you Chef, don't even think about taking advantage of me in this prison cell.
Chef: What?!

[Chef Aid]
Dude: OK, thanks for coming to Chef Aid everybody. Are you ready to rock and roll?
[Five people stand there in silence]
Dude: Whooooo!
[Silence]
Dude: Alright, let's get things going with Rancid! Whooo!
[Rancid takes their places]
Rancid (Singing): California sun, our sun. But any music comes tonight. I wish I had a young ch...
[The townspeople start to buy more tickets and the line grows and grows]

[South Park Police Dept.]
Mr. Garrison: You still aren't entertaining any ideas of raping me here in this prison cell are you chef?
Chef: No Garrison. Shut the hell up!
Mr. Garrison: That's good.
[A Ford truck crashes through the wall]
Chef: What the...
Mr. Garrison: Oh boy, we're free!
[They walk out]
Mr. Garrison: Wow, what a daring rescue.
[Opens the door to the truck]
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat! (To Chef) Mr. Hat saved us Chef. C'mon lets get in the truck. I'll drive from here Mr. Hat.
[He starts the truck]
Chef: How the hell did he reach the gas pedal?

[Chef Aid]
Rick James (Singing): Ooooh oooh ooh oooh oooooooh.
Dude: Rick James ladies and gentlemen!
Rick: God bless you Chef!
Dude: And now here's your favorite band, Primus!
Les Claypool: We're damn proud to be here to support our good buddy Chef. It was Chef in the early days who told us to keep trying and to keep pursuing our dreams no matter how much we suck. I love that man.
[They start playing]
[Mr. Mackee is being carried by the crowd]
Mr. Mackee: Ooooh!

[The Ticket Booth]
Producer: What are you bastards doing?
Kyle: We're raising money so that Chef can hire Johnny Cochraine to sue you.
Cartman: Ya, now get outta here before I kick you in the nuts!
Producer: Oh ya? We'll just see about this!

[The Stage]
Dude: Now here's Joel Strummer whooo!
Joel: You know, when the Clash were on tour, we lost the beat. Shouldn't we be at the center of the stage going don't forget pump you loins children. 
[Silence]
Joel: Ya know that was like his motto or something.
Dude: Whooo!
Joel (Singing): But it's a rockin' world. Make no mistake about it. A shockin world, could be what's so great about it. It's a rockin' world ain't nothing to think about it.
[Chef drives up]
Chef: What the hell is this?
Crowd: Welcome to Chef Aid, Chef!
Stan: Wow! How'd you get out of jail Chef?
Mr. Hat busted me out. Children did you do this?
Kyle: Well, we helped.
Stan: We're gonna raise your money Chef.
Chef: I don't believe it!

[Under the Stage]
[The Producer pulls out a saw]
Producer: We'll just see how long this Chef Aid thing lasts.
[He begins to saw through one of the support beams]
Producer: Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh.

[Stage]
Dude: And now here he is, TV's Ozzie Ozbourne!
Ozzie: We're all here to help our good friend Chef who has touched our lives in the past.
[Johnny Cochrane walks into the crowd]
Ozzie: I remember when I was just starting out. Chef suggested I buy a Pompadour hat. I thought he said bite the head off a bat and the rest is just, oh, history. Now let's go freakyyyy!
[Crowd cheers]
Ozzie (Singing): Ain't nowhere to run. Ain't nowhere to hide! Ahhhh!
[He bites Kenny's head off]
Stan: Oh my god, Ozzie Ozbourne bit Kenny's head off!
Kyle: You bastards!
Dude: And now here's Wings.
Guy 1: It's good to be part of Chef Aid.
Guy 2: Chef was the guy who told us to do a country album.
Guy 1: No, that was Steve's idea.
Guy 2: Oh then who's Chef?
Guy 1: I don't know dude. I thought you knew him.
Guy 2: Oh well. Anyways here's our song!
Wings (Singing): Bennie caught us in the former rainbow. Don't be afraid to let your colors shine.
[The producer has almost cut through the support beam]

[Crowd]
Mr. Garrison: Don't worry Mr. Twig, even though Mr. Hat rescued me from prision, I'm still gonna stick with you.
Mr. Twig (In a French type voice): Do you love him?
Mr. Garrison: That doesn't matter. He left me.
Mr. Twig: Do you love him?
Mr. Garrison: Y-yes.
Mr. Twig: Then run to him.
Mr. Garrison: But I feel like I'd be making the wrong decision.
Mr. Twig: Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could choose who we love, it would be much simpler, but much less magical.
Mr. Garrison: I'll never forget you Mr. Twig.
[He throws Mr. Twig and picks up Mr. Hat]

[Stage]
Dude: And now ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John! Whoooo!
[Crowd cheers]
Elton: Thank you all for coming to help Chef. This is a song by a very special little boy. I have no idea what his name is but who the hell cares. Anyway, he wrote it for his girlfriend. (Singing) Wake up and then, smell the coffee.
[Wendy looks at Stan]
Kyle: Dude that's your song for Wendy!
Cartman: Ha, ha! You're a wuss.
[Stan punches him in the face]

[Under the Stage]
[The Producer cuts through the support beam finally]

[Above]
[The stage tilts and the instruments and Elton slide down]
[Silence]
Producer: Ha, ha, ha. I win you lose! Chef Aid is over and you didn't raise near enough money to pay Cochrane's legal fees. Ha, ha, ha, ha I win!
[Chef hangs his head in grief]
[Grinch Style Music plays]
Guy from the Grinch: And what happened then, well in South Park they say. Johnny Cochrane's heart grew three sizes that day.
[The little X-ray thing goes over Cochrane's heart and it grows three times bigger]
Johnny Cochrane: Wait. Mr. Chef, this music has really touched me. I'd like to take up your case free of charge.
Chef: You will?!
Johnny Cochrane: I will.
[Crowd cheers]
Producer: No.
Johnny Cochrane: We'll see you in court Mr. Record Producer.
Producer: Nooooooo!

[Court]
Johnny Cochrane: Ladies and gentlemen of this deposed jury, you must now decide whether to reverse the decision on my client Chef. I know he seems guilty. But ladies and gentlemen [pulls down a Picture of Chewbacca] this is Chewbacca. Now think about that for one minute. That does not make sense. Why am I talking about Chewbacca when a man's life is on the line? Why? I'll tell you why. I don't know. It doesn't make sense. If Chewbacca does not make sense you must acquit. Here look at the monkey [holds up a monkey], look at the silly monkey.
[A juror holds in a laugh and his head explodes]

[Outside]
Reporter: Chef how does it feel to be a free man and have your name credited on the song Stinky Britches?
Chef: It feels great! I just can't find the words to thank all the others who put on Chef Aid. But most of all I want to thank the children.
[He looks at Kyle, Stan, and Cartman]
Reporter: So what are you gonna do now?
Chef: Get back to what's important. It's Tuesday and that means tomorrow it's tuna casserole.
Boys minus Kenny: Hooray!

[End]

Transcribed by Chuck Jones