Episode 216 - Merry Christmas Charlie Manson

[Stan's House]
Sharon: The answer is no Stanley
Stan: But mom all the guys are going to Cartman's grandma's for the weekend.
Sharon: I'm sorry Stanley. I can't let you go all the way to Nebraska by yourself.
 It's the holidays.
Stan: But all the other guys get to go to Cartman's grandma's why can't I?
Sharon: I'll leave it up to your father.
Randy: Well it's fine with me.
Sharon: The answer is no Stanley! Now go wash up for supper!
Stan: I don't want your lame ass supper.
Shelly: Ooh you're gonna get it now.
Sharon: Go to your room Stanley right now!

[Stan's Room]
Stan: Can' tell me what to do.
[Packs some stuff in a bag]
Stan: I'm eight years old. I don't need this stupid family.
[Hops out the window]

[In front of Cartman's house]
Sheila: It's so nice of you to take all the boys with you.
Ms. Cartman: Oh it's all my pleasure. Eric loves his little friends.
Cartman (to Kyle): Every time I go to my grandma's house, she gets me a present. You watch. 
As soon as I walk in the door she'll hand me this big present for no reason except that I'm keww.
Kyle: That's nice Cartman.
Mr. McCormick: Now remember, if they have leftover turkey, put some in a bag and bring it
 home, ok?
Kenny: Ok.
[Stan walks up]
Stan: Ok, let's go.
Cartman: Oh, I didn't think you were coming Stan.
Stan: Of course I'm coming. C'mon let's hurry.
Sheila: Goodbye Booby, be careful.
Mr. McCormick: See you in a couple of days son.
Cartman: Shotgun. My car, I call it first. Shotgun.
[Opens car door]
Cartman: Kenny I called shotgun.
[Kenny stares at him]
Cartman: Dammit Kenny, get in the back!
[He still stares]
Cartman: Hey Kenny there's a sale on orange jackets over there.
[Stares still]
Cartman: Look Kenny there's an elephant parade.
[More staring]
Cartman: (Pulls out a dollar) Kenny. Kenny look, look. (Throws it) Go get it.
[Kenny Hops out and runs after the dollar bill]
Cartman: Ha, ha, ha., You poor piece of crap.
[There is an elephant parade behind the car]

[On the road]
Stan: So how far is it to Nebraska?
Ms. Cartman: About six hours.
Kyle: Oh my god. What the hell are we gonna do for six hours?
Ms. Cartman: Well I've got an idea. We could sing.
Stan: Ya. Or, we could not.
Cartman: Let's sing that one grandma song ma. How does that go?
Ms. Cartman: (singing) Over the meadow and through the woods (Cartman joins in)
 to grandmother's house we go. The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh through
 the white and chilly snow-o.

[4 hours later]
[The car still]
Cartman duet: (singing) Over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house
 we go. The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh-
Kyle: Please stop.
Cartman duet: -Through the white and chilly snow.
Kyle: Please stop.
Cartman duet: Over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house we go-
[Kyle lunge kicks the back of Cartman's seat sending him flying into the dashboard]
Cartman: Ahh!
Ms. Cartman: Ooh careful hon. These roads are bumpy.
Cartman: (Rubs his nose) I guess so.
Ms. Cartman: Here we go kids. We're crossing the state line into Nebraska.
[The boys crowd to one side]
[Sign: Now Leaving Colorful Colorado]
[Very noticeable separation between the states is seen]
[Music changes from heavenly to a banjo]
[Sign: You Are Now In Nebraska... Sorry.]
Stan: This is Nebraska? 
Kyle: What's all that stuff?
Ms. Cartman: Wheat. The building block of your favorite foods and Nebraska's principle
 source of economic activity. You see when Nebraska first became-
Cartman: We don't care mom.
Kyle: Hey look!
[Sign: See Mr. Hankey at the Mall of Nebraska. Appearing every weekend through December.]
Kyle: See Mr. Hankey at the Mall of Nebraska. Wow. We have to go, dude.
Stan: Dude I thought Mr. Hankey lived in the sewer. What's he doing in Nebraska?
Kyle: I don't know. Ever since he was in that movie he got all famous.
Cartman: Oh so now everybody wants to meet Mr. Hankey. He's a piece of crap.
Kyle: It doesn't matter. He'll be most excited to see me.
Ms. Cartman: That shouldn't be a problem. Eric's grandma is right near the mall.
Kyle: Cool!
Cartman: How much further is it to grandma's house? I want to see what kind of presents
 she got me.
Ms. Cartman: About another hour hon.
Cartman: Why does grandma have to live so far away? Why don't we just stick her in 
a nursing home closer to us so I don't have to drive six hours to get a goddamned present!
Ms. Cartman: Now Eric let's try to get out of that grumpy mood before we get to grandma's.
 (Singing) Over the meadow and through the woods (Cartman joins in) to grandmother's house we go-
Stan: Oh god.
Cartman duet: -the horse knows the way to carry the sleigh through the white and chilly snow-o.

[Cartman's relative's house]
Ms. Cartman: Here we are.
Kyle: Jesus Christ, finally.
Cartman: Grandma, Grandma, Grandma, Grandma.
[He knocks on the door]
Grandpa: Oh it's little Eric.
Cartman: Hi Grandpa.
Grandpa: Look at how big you've gotten.
Grandma: Hi Eric. Grandma got you a present.
Cartman: Sweet. What is it?
Grandma: It's inside.
Cartman: Yes! Move it.
[Knocks her off the porch and runs inside]

[Inside]
Ms. Cartman: Hello everyone. Happy holidays.
The Cartman Family: Hello.
Ms. Cartman: These are Eric's friends, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. Boys let me introduce you to
 the Cartman family. This is Uncle stinky-
Uncle Stinky: Nice to have you heyar.
Ms. Cartman: -Aunt Lisa, Cousin Fred, Cousin Alexandra, Fat Bob, Jimmy,
 and Great Grandma Florence.
Great Grandma: Come here Eric. Give your Great Grandma some sugar.
[Picks up Kyle]
Kyle: Ahh!
Ms. Cartman: No, no Florence. That's not Eric.
Great Grandma: Oh. Which one is he?
Stan: The fat one.
Cartman and Grandma: I'm/He's not fat I'm/He's big boned.
[Great Grandma picks him up and kisses him]
Kyle: That was totally gross. She smelled like vitamins and pee.
Stan: Sick dude.
Cartman: All righty then, let's get to my presents shall we?
Grandma: Here you go Eric. Happy holidays.
[Cartman grabs it]
Cartman: Wait a minute. This isn't a present. This is a shirt.
Grandma: Yes. I thought that would look really good on you.
Are you telling me I drove nine hours through butt fucking nowhere to get a goddamn
 shirt! Mom grandma's gone senile. It's time to stick her in a home!

[Dining room]
Grandpa: Well this is what the holidays are about - family.
Stan: Ya right.
Grandpa: Well what does your family do for the holidays, Stan?
Stan: My family's dead.
[Gasp]
Ms. Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that Stan.
Kyle: Dude, your family died?
Stan: There dead to me. My mom doesn't even know I'm here.
Kyle: What?
Cartman: I can't believe I got a stupid shirt. The holidays are bull crap.
Ms. Cartman: Here Kyle. Will you hold great grandmother's cathoder bag during dinner?
Kyle: What is it?
Ms. Cartman: Great Grandma has a bladder problem, this helps her out.
[Great Grandma pees]
Kyle: Sick dude.
Ms. Cartman: Eric, did you say hi to your little cousin Elvin.
Cartman: Hi cousin Elvin.
Elvin: Sweet.
Grandpa: (Taps his glass) It is certainly nice we could all gather 'round heyar for the holidays.
 Even Uncle Howard has joined us live VIA satellite from the State penitentiary.
Kyle: Whoa dude!
Grandma: You look good Howard.
Howard: No I don't.
Ms. Cartman: Hi Howard.
Stan: Dude is he here every year like this?
Cartman: Ya.
[Elvin throws a fudgical at the TV]
Elvin: Sweet.
[Great Grandma pees again]
Kyle: Ah.
Howard: Come on let's eat already. They gave me extra bread and water.
Grandma: Where's your manners Howard. We haven't even said Grace yet. Mom will you do the
 honors of saying Grace?
Great Grandma: God dammit why the hell do I always have to say Grace. If one more person asks me
 to say Grace I'll be like - hey, I'm not saying Grace and if you ask me again I'll kick you
 squa' in the noots. 
Cartman: Amen.
Cartmans: Amen.
[They begin to eat like rabid wolves]
Kyle: Jesus dude.
[Kenny pushes some food into a bag]
[Jimmy (the Dog) groans at Grandpa]
Grandpa: No Jimmy this is mah potpie.
[Jimmy groans again]
Grandpa: No Jimmy that's a bad Jimmy!
Cartman: No Jimmy!
Grandma: No Jimmy that's grandpa's potpie!
The Cartman Family: No Jimmy that's a bad Jimmy!
Stan: Dude I don't know how long I can stay here.
Kyle: I know what you mean.
[Kenny pushes the last of his food into a bag]

[The basement. It's nighttime]
[The boys are asleep]
Kyle: AHHHHHHH!
Stan: What dude?
Kyle: Dude I was having this horrible nightmare that we were at this house and it was filled
 with Cartmans.
Stan: Kyle we are at a house filled with Cartmans.
Kyle: Oh. AHHHHHHH!
[A rustling noise is heard]
Stan: What was that?
Kyle: I heard it too.
Cartman: What ever it is, it's getting closer.
[Stan pinches his arm]
Cartman: Ow! What the hell was that for?
Stan: I wanted to make sure we're not dreaming.
[Kyle punches him]
Cartman: Ow!
Kyle: I wanted to make sure too.
Cartman: Well you're not dreaming!
[Kenny punches him]
Cartman: Ay! Cut the crap!
Kyle: Dude it's coming through the window.
[A figure leaps through the open window]
Boys: Ahhh!
[Cartman turns on a light]
Cartman: Uncle Howard!
Howard: Oh hey Eric. I didn't think anybody'd be down here.
Cartman: Uncle Howard what are you doing here?
Stan: We thought you were in jail.
Howard: Ya well I-I busted out.
Cartman: Wow cool!
Howard: Shhh! We can't let the rest of the family know I'm here.
Cartman: Ok.
Howard: If it's ok, we're just gonna hang out here for a couple of days with you kids.
Cartman: Who's We. You got a turd in your pocket. Heh, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Howard: Come on up, it's ok. Another inmate busted out with me. Don't worry he's a good guy.
[Charles Manson jumps through the window]
Manson: Oh hi boys. I'm Charlie, Charlie Manson.

[Morning. The Basement]
Manson: I can't wait to get out among the pigs and wreak some hell.
Howard: Alright Chuck, but we gotta lay low for a little while.
Manson: When I stand on the mountain and say do it, it gets done. And if it don't get done,
 then I'll move on. And that's the last thing in the world you want me to do.
Howard: Alright Chuck just watch some TV or something.
[Charlie sits down]
Announcer: Now back to It's a Wonderful Life.
Some Guy: You can't just buy people Mr. Potter. Well you know what you are; you're a little
 bitch. That's right you're a bitch and I bet you would like to suck it, wouldn't ya?
Stan: Wake up Cartman, we gotta get to the mall.
Cartman (Without his hat on!): What?
Kyle: We have to go see Mr. Hankey at the mall Cartman.
Cartman: Alright keep your pants on.
Howard: Hey, bring us down some food all right?
Cartman: Ok.

[Living room]
[The rest of the family is gathered around the TV watching football]
Stinky: C'mon team.
Cartman: Can somebody drive us to the mall?
The Cartmans: Yeah!
Cartman: Hello? Mr. Hankey is appearing at the mall, can somebody please take us?
[Gets in front of Uncle Stinky]
Cartman: Uncle Stinky can you take us to the mall?
Stinky: Not now Eric. Hold him where's the flag?
Cartman: Uncle Stinky my stupid friends want to see Mr. Hankey. You have to take us.
Stinky: That's no and I mean no! Respect my authoritah!
Cartman: (Quietly) Damn his goddamn authoritah.
Announcer: Only sixteen seconds left in the quarter-
News guy: We interrupt this broadcast for a news bulletin.
Stinky: What?!
Reporter: Mass murderer and extremely nasty person, Charles Manson has escaped from prison.
 Charles Manson was responsible for seven murders in the late sixties.
[Real footage of Manson is played]
Reporter: Manson has never shown any signs of remorse for his crimes. If you see Manson please
 kick his ass and smash his fuckin' face in for me and then call the police.
 And now back to the game.
Announcer: And they've done it! They've scored sixteen un-answered points in fifteen seconds!
Family: Ah Weak!

[Hall]
Grandma: Eric I need you to take care of your cousin Elvin for a while.
Cartman: I don't wanna take care of cousin Elvin.
Grandma: Won't you do it for Grandma?
Cartman: Alright give me ten dollars.
[Silence]
[She hands him a ten]
Elvin: Kick ass.

[Basement]
Howard: Chuck can you turn that damn thing down?
[TV]
Some guy: Hello movie house, hello burger parlor-
Manson: You know what the spirit of Christmas is? It's another lie. From the lying pigs who
 consider me the witness-
Howard: Ok Chuck, thank you very much.
Cartman: My family sucks ass.
Kyle: Ya they do.
Stan: All families suck ass.
Cartman: Here we got you some sticky cinnamon buns.
Howard: Wow sweet.
Manson: Hey.
[They scarf 'em down]
Kyle: Dude we have to get to the mall.
Elvin: You guys seriously.
Howard: What's the matter?
Cartman: My stupid friends want to go to the mall to visit Mr. Hankey, but nobody would drive us.
Howard: Oh bummer.
Manson: I'll take you.
[Surprised music plays]
Howard: Uh that's ok Chuck. You just keep watching Christmas specials.
Manson: Hey, I didn't bust out of prison to be locked up in somebody's basement,
 I want some action.
Kyle: Good for you Charlie.
Manson: C'mon I'll hot-wire your grandpa's car.
Stan: Do you really think we should go with this guy?
Cartman: Stan, don't be such a dumb ass, you have to trust people.

[Outside]
[The Nutcracker theme is playing]
Manson: Alright boys keep your heads down.
[They climb in]
[He hot-wires the car]
Manson: We're goin' to the mall.
Boys: Hurray!

[Stan's House]
Sharon: I just can't believe he would go without our permission.
Randy: Uh, Sharon don't over-react. Maybe Stan didn't go to Cartman's grandmother's house.
 Maybe he just ran away or got kidnapped or something.
Sharon: I hope for his sake you're right.

[Grandma's House]
Ms. Cartman: (Picks up the phone) Hello.
Sharon: Hello Ms. Cartman it's Sharon, Stan's mother. Did Stanley go up there to Nebraska
 with you?
Ms. Cartman: Why yes he did. I thought you were dead Sharon.
Sharon: What!
Ms. Cartman: Stanley told me that you had passed on. I'm glad to see that you're better.

[Stan's House]
Sharon: Get the car Randy we're going to Nebraska.
Shelly: Ooh. Stan's in trouble.

[The Mall of Nebraska]
[Kyle is jumping up and down]
Kyle: Do you see him?
Stan: Not yet. We still have a ways to go.
Kyle: I can't wait to see him. He's gonna be so glad we came.
Kid: I drove all the way from Montana to see Mr. Hankey.
Kyle: That's nice kid. I knew Mr. Hankey before he was even famous.
Cartman: How the hell did Mr. Hankey get so popular? Look at all this Mr. Hankey stuff.
Elvin: Hissa kissa. Kick ass.
Cartman: And another thing. It also says Mr. Hankey is also appearing at the Crossroads mall.
Kyle: So.
Cartman: So how can Mr. Hankey be here and at another mall at the same time?
Kyle: Dude Mr. Hankey has magical powers. He can do whatever he wants.
Manson: How would you like to come with me to a more secluded part of the mall?
Kenny: Ok.
Stan: I really like that guy.
Cartman: Well it looks like you finished your fudgical, Elvin.
[Elvin looks at the bare Popsicle stick]
[He starts to cry]
Cartman: Be quiet Elvin.
[He continues to cry]
Cartman: Shut up Elvin.
[Cartman hits him over the back of the head with a stick knocking him cock-eyed and he
 just stares ahead]
Cartman: No Elvin Bad Elvin.
[Still staring]

[Elsewhere in the mall]
Manson: Folks need to understand that I'm terror, I'm fear, I am- Oh look another
 Christmas special.
Announcer: Now back to the Grinchy poo.
Narrator: The Grinchy poo went up the chimney and stuffed the tree up. But then he heard a coo
 like the cry of a dove. It was little Cindy Lou Poo who was no more than two.
Cindy: Mr. Hankey why? Why are you taking our Christmas tree? Why?
Narrator: That old Grinchy poo thought up a lie and he thought it up quick.

[Mr. Hankey's Happy Lolly Land]
Lady: Alright boys you're up next. Welcome to Mr. Hankey's happy Lolly land.
Kyle: Oh boy here we go.
Imposter: Howdy ho boys.
Stan: Mr. Hankey?
Imposter: Gosh you boys smell like flowers.
Kyle: You're not the real Mr. Hankey.
Imposter: Sure I am. Howdy Ho.
Stan: You look a lot bigger than the last time we saw you.
Imposter: Well Mr. Hankey has to grow too you know. Howdy Ho.
Lady: Do you boys want your picture with Mr. Hankey?
Kyle: This is not Mr. Hankey. This is a fake.
[Crowd gasps]
[Some kid starts to cry]
Imposter: It's ok kids. I'm real. Howdy ho!
Crowd: Howdy ho!
Kyle: Why are you people doing this? Why would you lie like this to children?
Imposter:Look kid. There's Mr. Hankies like me in every shopping mall. There's no real Mr. Hankey.
Kyle: What?! What did you say?!
Stan: Oh boy, he's done it now.
Imposter: Huh?
Kyle: (Takes off the head of the fake Mr. Hankey) Behold. This is your false promise.
Crowd: Huh? Boo!
[They throw Mr. Hankey dolls at him]
Imposter: Ow! Ow!
Kid: Get him!
Little Girl: You lied to me mother. You said it was the real Mr. Hankey.
Mother: Well yes but-
Little Girl: I will never forget this mother. I won't forget this ever.
Some Kid: This is revolution!
[A flaming Martini is thrown into the set up]
Mall Cop 1: Uh oh they're rioting again.

[Elsewhere in the mall]
Narrator: And all the Poos down in Pooville joined hands and they sang, they sang all the
 same. And he himself, the Grinchy poo, carved the roast poo.
Manson: Wow man that's beautiful. He was evil but now he's good.

[Back in the riots]
[A police brigade breaks down the wall]
Swat 1: What happened?
Swat 2: Some kid must have said it wasn't the real Mr. Hankey again.
[The kids trample the officers]
[One sprays on the wall: No More Lies]
Swat 3: Use the tear gas.
[A canister is fired at the kids knocking them unconscious]
Cartman: I told you guys. The holiday season is nothing but lies and bull crap.
Manson: So how was it?
Kyle: It was a fake!
Manson: Oh I'm sorry.
Kyle: Cartman was right. The holiday season is for idiots. Where did you go Uncle Charlie?
Manson: I went to a beauty parlor and had my tattoo redone. Look.
[A smiley face replaces his swastika]
Cartman: Oh that's pretty cool.
Stan: Hey where's Kenny?
Manson: Oh. He's...around.
[Kenny walks up]
Kenny: Hey guys. Let's go.
Manson: Come on I'll buy you kids an Orange smoothie.
Boys: Ooh.
Cop 1: Hey there he is. There's Charlie Manson.
Manson: Run for your lives boys.

[Parking Lot]
[They are running. Cartman trails behind with Elvin]
[CHiPs music is playing]
Cartman: Wait...You guys...Seriously.
[They jump in the car and speed away]

[Car]
Manson: Keep your heads down kids.
[The cops shoot at them]
Cartman: Ah! What the hell is wrong with you people
Kyle: I can't believe they would put a fake Mr. Hankey in the mall. If Mr. Hankey ever
 found out he would be so pissed.

[Grandma's House]
Announcer: We interrupt this program for a breaking news story.
Reporter: A high-speed car chase is happening right now on Interstate three. We go now
 to our live sky five helicopter.
[Shows the car from overhead being chased by the police]
Chopper Dude: It looks as though the chase is proceeding west down the interstate.
Grandma: Oh that looks a lot like your car, Harold.
Chopper Dude: We understand that Charles Manson is inside the car with several hostages all of
 whom are children. My god what is this world coming to? We'd like to take a moment to
 tell you this car chase is being brought to you by Snacky Smores.
 Creamy fun of smores in a delightful cookie crunch.

[Car]
Manson: They're gaining on us.
[Elvin tosses his fudgical out the window]
Cop 1: Fudgesicle!
[The Police swerve and the cars pile up]
Elvin: Kick ass.
Kyle: God, I hate the holiday season.

[Grandma's House]
[They drive up and run out of the car]
Grandma: Oh hello kids. Having fun?
Manson: Get in the house!
Grandma: Alrighty then.

[Inside]
Cartman: Lock the door!
One of his relatives: Oh my god, it's Charlie Manson! Ahh!
Grandpa: What's going on?
Stan: There's a bunch of policemen chasing after us.
Stinky: Quiet down, we're watching television.
[It's Terrance and Philip]
Terrance: Oh Philip what a festive season.
Philip: That's right Terrance this is a season for sharing.
[Fart]
[Laughter]
Howard: The cops are here!
Grandma: Howard!
Grandpa: How did you get out son?

[Outside]
Chief: Alright Manson we know you're in there. Come out peacefully and we'll shoot you.
Cop 1: (Whispering) Tell him we won't shoot him.
Chief: Oh ya. Come out peacefully and we won't shoot you.

[Inside]
Grandma: Oh look Police Chief Stevens has a new haircut.
Harold: Get down ma!
Manson: Hey man. Don't point a gun at your own mother.
Howard: What's wrong with you Manson? You're acting all funny. Everybody just sit down and
 shut up. We're not goin' back to the big house.
Grandpa: Well Howard you've done it again. You've ruined Christmas.

[Outside]
Robert: This is Robert Rouner reporting live from Nebraska where escaped convict Charlie Manson
 has walled himself up in a house.
[Zooms in on house]
Robert: We understand that there are hostages and that the situation is critical. So we would like
 to remind you all that this live hostage crisis is being brought to you by Palmoral Sun Block.
 Remember, if it isn't Palmoral you're gonna get cancer.
[The Marshes drive up]
Sharon: What's going on here?
Chief: We've got a critical situation ma'am. Charlie Manson is holding everybody inside hostage.
Sharon: Is this the Cartman residents?
Chief: Yes ma'am.
Sharon: Give me that!
[Grabs the Megaphone]
Sharon: STANLEY THIS IS YOUR MOTHER!

[Inside]
Stan: Uh oh.
Kyle: What's your mom doing here dude?
Sharon: YOUNG MAN I HAVE HAD IT. YOU HAVE DISOBEYED ME FOR THE LAST TIME.
Howard: Wow, she's really pissed.
Manson: I'm glad I'm not you right now kid.

[Outside]
Sharon: WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF STANLEY?
Stan: Sorry.
Robert: Still more developments in the Manson hostage crisis. It appears now that eight-year-old
 Stan Marsh is in big, big trouble. He apparently disobeyed his parents and left home without
 telling them. And, uh, Tom, His mother is very disappointed with him.

[Inside]
Howard: Dammit. What are we gonna do?
Great Grandma: Shh. I'm watching television.
[Laughter]
[Terrance farts in Rudolph's face]
Philip: Wait, Wait, Wait, Wait.
[He farts on Rudolph's Ass]
[Laughter]
[They repeat the process twice more]

[Outside]
Chief: Come out with your hands up.

[Inside]
Howard: Dammit dad why didn't you put a back door on this house.
Grandpa: Well there's that old window in the back room. You could probably squeeze through thyar.
Howard: That's it! We're going out through the bathroom window. Come on Manson.
Manson: But I gotta see what happens.
Howard: Come on, dammit! Well it was good seeing you all. Don't move until we're gone or
 I'll shoot you dead. Happy Holidays.
Cartmans: Happy Holidays!
[Stan looks out the window at his mother]
Stan: Dude they're gonna kill me.

[Outside]
Chief: Alright Manson this is it. We're coming in after you. There's gonna be a lot of bloodshed
 and a lot of innocent people are gonna die. You've got till one hundred marshmallow to come out.
[Hands the megaphone to another officer]
Cop 1: One marshmallow, two marshmallow, three-

[Inside]
[Chuck and Howard are prying the window open]
[Stan walks in]
Howard: Alright it's open. Let's go.
Stan: Excuse me. I wanna go with you.
Howard: Huh?
Stan: Please I don't wanna go back with them.
Manson: Stan, your mother and father are out there.
Stan: I know they've come to punish me. I'll they want to do is make me pay for coming to Nebraska
 in the first place.
Howard: Alright kid you can come. Now let's go.
Manson: Stan I want to talk to you about your family.
Stan: What?
Howard: What?!
Manson: You see I had a family once. At least I called them my family. Really they were a gang of
 people I thought were my friends. After we killed a bunch of people I realized my real
 family was who took care of me, who took the time to care about what I did.
Stan: But they don't care about me. They just want to punish me
Manson: If they don't care about you would they have driven nine hours to Nebraska?
Stan: I guess you're right Uncle Charlie.
[Hugs him]
Howard: Now can we go?
Manson: No Howard you go ahead. I've got something to say.
Howard: Ah weak.

[Living Room]
Manson: Folks I apologize for this whole mess. I'm goin' to surrender. Somebody show the
 police a white flag.

[Outside]
Cop 1: Ninety Marshmallow, ninety-one marshmallow. Do we really have to do marshmallow?
 Ninety-two marshmallow.
[The door opens]
[The police draw their weapons]
[Kenny walks out waving a white flag]
Chief: Look out he has a white flag!
[They open fire on him]
Manson: Oh my god they killed the little orange coat kid!
Kyle: You bastard!
[The family walks out the door with their hands raised]
Chief: They're surrendering!
[Two cops run up to Kenny's body and start beating it]
Cop 2: (To Kenny) Alright you. Spread 'em
Chief: You're going back to prison to rot Manson.
Manson: Good. I deserve it.
Chief: What?
Manson: I can never make it up to the families that I destroyed. But at least I'll make an
 example for anyone else who thinks that crime is an answer. You see I get it now, I finally
 understand what the holidays are all about. You see boys, you can't let things get you down
 during the holidays because being happy are what the holidays are all about.
Kyle: Charlie's right. I'm not gonna let some fake Mr. Hanker ruin my holidays.
Manson: I've been such a bastard all these years and I finally understand it-it feels great.
 I-I feel like-I feel like I'm in my own Christmas special. Because you see (Singing)
 holidays are that special time when wee laugh and sing and feel warm and cozy. Forget about
 being angry for a day. (Picks up Elvin) Remember how it felt to be a child, opening presents
 on Christmas mornin', that's the way we should all feel now. So I say - Happy, happy, happy,
 happy, holly, happy, happy, holidays!
Cartmans: Happy, happy, happy, happy, holly, happy, happy, holidays!
Manson: (Singing) Happy Kwanza too. From me to you. (Normal) Happy holidays you guys.
Chief: Happy holidays Bob.
Bob: Happy Holidays Chief.
Chief: C'mon Manson. You belong in jail.
Manson: Darn right I do.
Howard: Well I guess I'll be going mom and dad, but I hope you can forgive me.
Grandma: Oh of course we forgive you son. It was nice of you to drop in for the holidays
Grandpa: Yes now watch that ass in prison son.
Howard: I always do. See ya, thanks for all your help.
Cartman: See ya Uncle Howard. Thanks for being such a great role model for me.
Stan: I hope you can forgive me too mom
Sharon: Oh Stanley, let's just forget the whole thing and have a nice holiday back home.
Stan: Really?
Randy: Sure. We'll punish you after the holidays.
Stan: Hooray! I mean hey, what?
Manson: And so Manson is hauled off to jail to rot in his cell and everything is back to normal.
 And I guess the only thing left to say is - God bless us everyone.

[Nebraska State Penitentiary]
Manson: And I guess that's what I've learned. I'm sorry for what I've did, but that doesn't
 make up for it. I deserve to be in jail. I'll I hope is that I don't make mankind lose faith
 in itself. Yes there's murders in the world, and rapists, and thieves. But those are the
 vast minority. The majority of mankind is made up of caring people who try everyday to do
 what they think is right, and that's the spirit of the season.
[Closes his book entitled - Charles W. Manson Thoughts and Reflections.]
Manson: What do you think guys?
Inmate: It sucks just like all your other books.
[He puts it on a bookshelf with his other self-written books]
[He climbs into bed]
Manson: Well, goodnight you guys happy holidays.
Inmate: Shut up!
[A door opens]
Manson: What was that?
[He turns the light on.]
Manson: What the...
[The Cartman family is there]
Cartmans: Merry Christmas Charlie Manson! (Singing) Hark the herald angels sing, "Glory to
 the newborn king Peace on earth and mercy mild, God and sinner reconciled Joyful all ye
 nations rise, join the triumph of the skies Hark the herald angels sing-
Stan: This is pretty fucked up right here.

[End]

Transcribed By Chuck Jones AKA Nightstalker