Episode 302 - Spontaneous Combustion

[General Store]
Stan: Is this what you're looking for, Kyle?
[he show Kyle a bicycle pump]
Kyle: No, I don't think so
Kenny: {How about this}
[he shows Kyle a hair dryer]
Kyle: No, that's a hair dryer
[store attendant walks up]
Store attendant: Can I help you find something?
Kyle: Yeah, do you have any erections?
Store attendant: Any what?
Kyle: I need to get an erection for my dad
Store attendant: Very funny, boys! [he motions them to leave] Go on, beat it!
Stan: Why is that funny?
Kyle: Dude, my mom and dad keep fighting all the time, and everyone says it's because he doesn't have an
erection, so I wanna get him one

[outside the store]
[door slams]
Kyle: Dammit! What the hell is wrong with everybody?
Stan: That's the fifth store we've been kicked out of! Why is it so hard to get an erection?
Kenny: mrmmph mrmmph
Kyle: I just want an erection so I can give it to my mom
Man [walking by]: What?
Kenny: {See you guys. I've gotta go get a bus}
Cartman: Oh where you gonna go, Kenny? You gonna see your little girlfriend again?
Kenny: {Yeah, she must love me}
Cartman: Dude, you spend way too much time with that girl. If you...
[Kenny suddenly ignites and burns to a pile of ashes]
[silence]
Stan: Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Cartman: What the hell happened to him?
Stan: He just... ignited!
Man #1: What happened?!
Woman: I saw it from across the street, he just caught on fire!
[siren]
[Officer Barbrady pulls up and gets out of his car]
Officer Barbrady: Okay, people, stand back, give the little burnt boy some breathing room.
Man #2: I've heard about this! This is spontaneous combustion! But it usually only happens to fat people
near open flames
Man #1: Is it contagious?
Woman: Am I gonna spontaneously combust?!
Man #3:  I hope nothing happens to me!
Woman: This is very scary!

[Mayor's office]
Mayor: The people are panicking about spontaneous combustion! That's why I've assembled this crack
team of scientists to find out the cause of the phenomenon. You are the best scientific mind South Park
has to offer.
[silence]
[shows Mr. Marsh all by himself]
Mr. Marsh: Uh, mayor, I'm a geologist.
Mayor: Right
Mr. Marsh: Well, I don't study human biology, I study the Earth
Mayor: Look! You're the only scientist that lives in this town. You have to find an answer before more
people combust. You do that and you'll be the most beloved man in South Park.

[fantasy of Mr. Marsh]
[everyone is holding Mr. Marsh over their heads]
Crowd: Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
Man: We love you Randy!
Woman: Make love to me Randy! Please!

[back in reality]
Mr. Marsh: Wow!
Mayor: Marsh, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you! Find the cause of spontaneous combustion or else!
Mr. Marsh: Or else what?
Mayor: Exactly!
[Mr. Marsh stares back for a few seconds]

[church]
[Stan and Kyle jump onto an altar with Kenny's coffin]
[Cartman tries to get up but fails]
[Cartman jumps on to the altar]
Stan: Dude, he looks so peaceful without his little orange coat on
Kyle: Yeah
[shows a pile of ashes with some bones wearing a red tie]
[Cartman, Stan, and Kyle get in their seats]
[Priest opens the Bible]
Priest: The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away,  [pause] sometimes the giveth seems a little
disproportionate to the taketh, there seems to be a lot more takething going on, but there it is.
[shot of Mr. McCormick reading a dirty picture magazine and pulling out the centerfold]
[Mrs. McCormick lets loose a tear]
Priest: Perhaps if more of you attended church on Sundays, the Lord would not have felt it necessary to
punish us by takething this little boy ...
Mr. Garrison [quietly]: Oh, here comes the guilt trip again!
Priest [closing the Bible]: Now, let us pray!
[everyone closes their eyes and puts their hands together]
Priest: Lord, though we have lost Neil Smith to free agency and Steve Atwater to the Jets, still, we hope
our beloved Broncos can bring home another Superbowl championship, and once again bathe in the glory
of your light. Amen.
All: Amen.
Priest: Let's go
All: Let's go
Priest: Broncos
All: Broncos
Priest: Let's go Broncos
All: Broncos, let's go!
[everyone leaves]
[three guys carry off Kenny's coffin]
Stan: Wow, that was short!
Priest: Boys, I haven't seen you in church lately
Kyle: Well, I'm Jewish
Priest: You're not to Jewish to worship Jesus, are you?
Kyle: I guess not
Priest: Good! Boys, how would you like to perform the Stations of the Cross this Friday night?
Stan: The what?
Priest: It's like a skit where you reenact the death and glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ
Kyle: Hey, a resurrection! That's what my dad needs!
Priest: Huh?!
Kyle: We'll do it! We'll do it!
Priest: Wonderful! [he hands Kyle a book] Here's a book on how to perform it. Don't let me down boys.
Kyle: Dude, this is great! You know all the Stations of the Cross, right Stan?
Stan: I don't know, dude. I'm gonna have to go look in the Bible.

[outside the church]
Man #1: Good night Jerry
Man #2: See ya Tom, bye Helen
Woman: By Jer...
[suddenly she ignites and burns to a pile of ashes]
Man #2: Oh my God! Another one!
Man #1: Helen! No!
Man #2: What happened?!
Man #3: God must be very angry with us, but why? How have we angered you Lord?!

[Stan's basement]
[Mr. Marsh is working with various vials and beakers]
Mr. Marsh: Now let's see if they combust... no... could be from... no
[Stan, Kyle, and Cartman come down the stairs]
Stan: Dad, where's our Bible?
Mr. Marsh: Not now, Stan! I have to find out what causes spontaneous combustion or else.
Stan: Or else what?
Mr. Marsh: Exactly
Stan: What?
Mr. Marsh: Right
[silence]
Stan: Where's our Bible?
Mr. Marsh: It's in the attic with the old LP's. 
[the scamps start to walk away]
Mr. Marsh: Boys, [the scamps stop] did you notice anything strange about Kenny in the weeks leading up
to his combustion? What did he spend his time doing?
Kyle: He didn't do anything. He was always with his new girlfriend.
Mr. Marsh: New girlfriend?
Stan: Yeah, he started seeing this girl and he spent all his time taking the bus to go visit her, what does
that have to do with his death?
Mr. Marsh: Maybe nothing. [zoom in on him] Maybe everything. [dramatic riff]
Stan: Well, we're gonna go work on getting Kyle's dad an erection
Mr. Marsh: Yes, yes, of course, I've got work to do. [continues working] [silence] What?!

[someone's bedroom]
[Kyle is reading the Bible]
[Stan is reading from the book Priest gave them]
Stan: Let's see, Jesus got crucified, then He died, then three days later, He has a resurrection, in his
fourteen Stations of the Cross, and it says we can make costumes out of sheets
Kyle: This is gonna be fun!
Cartman: I'm gonna be Jesus.
Kyle: You're too fat to be Jesus!
Cartman: Oh like you're gonna do it, Jew?!
Kyle: Stan should be Jesus!
Cartman: Either I'm Jesus or I'll screw you guys, I'm going home
[Kyle closes the Bible]
Kyle: You are such a fat baby!
Cartman: Well I guess you guys can do the Stations of the Cross by yourselves.
[Silence as Cartman points and shakes his ass]
Kyle: Alright, alright! You can be Jesus you tubby crybaby!
Cartman: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I'm Jesus and you aren't.

[Stan's basement]
[Mr. Marsh is writing on a clipboard]
Mr. Marsh: Alright, alright, let's try it again. Kenny was standing here. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman were
walking around him.
[four men are dressed like the scamps]
Mr. Marsh: Okay, now walk.
[the four men start walking around]
Mr. Marsh [to Kenny actor]: Do you feel hot?
Kenny actor: Uh, no
Mr. Marsh: Dammit! How come you're not combusting?
Stan actor: Come on Randy, you said we were gonna drink beer and watch the fight
[suddenly a bunch of people come down the stairs]
Man: Another one! Another one combusted!
[he dumps a bag of ashes on Mr. Marsh's table]
Mr. Marsh: No! She been doing anything odd?
Man: No! She was just on her way to her new boyfriend's house!
Mr. Marsh: Boyfriend? And they say Kenny had a new girlfriend.
Cartman actor: This is stupid. Screw you guys, I'm going home.
[Cartman actor leaves]
Mr. Marsh: No! I think I might have it!

[church]
Priest: Well well well! A lot of you came to church. Looks like we're all a little nervous about this
spontaneous combustion thing, huh?
All: Yeah
Priest: Well, on this blessed Friday, let us give thanks for stuff, and things...
[all close their eyes and put their hands together]
Priest: Lord, is it so much to ask that you to not let us suddenly burst into flame for no apparent reason, I
mean, come on, Amen.
[Stan, Kyle, and Cartman enter in their Stations of the Cross costumes]
Priest: And now, some of our darling local children are going to perform the Stations of the Cross.
All: Awww...
Woman: Cute
[Stan goes behind the pulpit]
Stan: Station 1: Jesus is comdemmed to death by pilot.
Kyle: Die! [hits Cartman with a stick]
Cartman: Ow! You can do what you will, but I am the Lamb of God.
People: Awww...
Woman: Cute
Stan: Station 2: Jesus takes His cross.
[Cartman is carrying a big cross on his back]
Cartman: This cross is seriously heavy. Oh man! This is totally weak.
Stan: And then, Jesus' Disciple Peter denies he knows Him.
Cartman: Peter!
Kyle: I don't know you, dude
Cartman: Oh Peter, weak. Peter, lame. But I'm Jesus, so I'll forgive you, I guess.

[Mayor's bedroom]
[phone rings]
[she picks it up]
Mayor: Mayor!
Mr. Marsh: Mayor! I have it! I found out why people spontaneously combust!
Mayor [on phone]: Why?
[Mr. Marsh's clipboard says: Girlfriend ==> Dead, Boyfriend ==> Dead]
Mr. Marsh: The answer's too complicated to explain over the phone. Call a town meeting tomorrow
Mayor: Okay. If your right about this Marsh, you're gonna be the most popular man in South Park.

[fantasy of Mr. Marsh]
[everyone is holding Mr. Marsh over their heads]
Crowd: Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
Man: We love you Randy!
Woman: Make love to me Randy! Please!

[back in reality]
Mr. Marsh: Wow!
[Mr. Marsh hangs up the phone]
[Mr. Marsh writes something down]
[Mayor hangs up the phone]
Mayor: Schmuck!

[church]
[Cartman is tied to the cross in his underwear]
Stan: Station 11: Jesus is nailed to the cross.
Cartman: Oh, this has gone from weak to super-weak. Things can not get any more weak for me.
[Stan holds a fake crown of thorns]
Stan: Then a crown of thorns was placed on Jesus' head and Jesus was all like, think (?)
[Stan takes Cartman's hat off and put the fake crown of thorns on his head]
Cartman: Well, this sucks that I have to die, but if I die, everyone's sins will be forgiven, so I guess it's
cool.
[Kyle drags Cartman on the cross out of the church]
Stan: And then Jesus was lead away to Mount Sinai, where He died and has a ressur-erection three days
later.
Cartman: Hi mom.
Priest: Thank you, boys. Blessed be the name of Jesus.
People: It's a great name, isn't it.

[outside the church]
[Stan and Kyle are carrying Cartman on the cross up a hill]
Kyle: Hey! That went really well. They really liked it.
Cartman: Yeah, I told I'd be a sweet Jesus you guys.
Kyle: Oh man! At least the real Jesus didn't weigh 400 pounds.
Cartman: Up your ass with broken glass!
[they reach the top of the hill]
Stan: This spot looks good
[they stand the cross up and put it in the ground]
Kyle: Yeah. that looks pretty good!
Stan: Okay, cool, see ya Cartman!
Cartman: Hey, wait, where the hell you going?
Stan: I don't know. I'm going home I guess.
Kyle: Yeah, me too
Cartman: Well get me down from here!
Kyle: Cartman! How stupid are you?! Didn't you read the Bible? We have to leave you up there until you
die and then you come back to life in three days.
Cartman: What?!
Stan: Yeah dummy, you have to get an erection
Kyle: Then I can give it to my dad
[Kyle and Stan exit]
Cartman: Hey! I don't wanna be Jesus anymore! Don't leave me here! You guys! [silence] Alright! That
does it! Screw you guys, I'm going home! [silence] Okay! I'm getting pissed now! [he tries to get loose]

[Cut to Commercial]

[in front of the mayor's office]
Mayor: Okay, people. Scientist Marsh and I have been working  very hard on the problem of spontaneous
combustion, and we have finally come up with a solution. Mr. Marsh
[Mr. Marsh walk up with a bunch of charts]
Mr. Marsh: The little boy combusted because he had a new girlfriend.
[crowd stares at him]
Mr. Marsh: I wasn't the girl that caused him to combust, it was the fact that Kenny did not wanna pass
gas in front of her.
[he opens up the charts]
Mr. Marsh: You see, as food is digested the natural processes give off a byproduct known as [turns the
page] methane gas. [turns the page] The methane gathers here in the bowel area where it causes
pressure. [turns the page] Normally a person would expel this build-up in the form of a pleasant fart.
Should the gas not be expelled [turns the page] the methane can build up [turns the page] and then
ignite, leading to [turns the page] disaster. [closes the book] Kenny combusted because he held his farts
in for too long.
Man: You mean all we have to do is fart and we won't explode?
Mr. Marsh: Exactly
[silence]
[man farts]
[someone else farts]
[everyone farts]
Mayor: So from this day forward everyone in South Park will be required to fart on a regular basis to
ensure that nobody else spontaneously explodes.
Crowd: Randy! Randy! Randy! 
Man: We love you Randy!
Really old woman: Make love to me Randy, please!
Stan: Whoa, dude! My dad's famous
Kyle: Come on. Let's go see how Cartman's doing with his erection.

[hilltop]
[Cartman is asleep on the cross]
Stan: Wow, he died.
Kyle: Now we just gotta wait for his erection, and I can give it to my dad
[Cartman wakes up]
Cartman: Hey there you guys are!
Stan: Cartman?
Cartman: You guys are in big trouble! Now get me down from myah!
Kyle: How come you're not dead yet, Cartman?!
Cartman: You guys, I am seriously... Get me down right now!
Stan: Look fatass, after you die, and get resurr-erected, you'll have all kinds of super powers just like
Jesus
Cartman: Really?
Kyle: Yeah! So hurry up and die you piece of crap!
[Stan and Kyle walk off]
Cartman: When I get my super powers, I'm gonna use them to smote you two assholes right off the
planet! [pause] Super powers is sweet

[street in South Park]
Mr. Mackie: Hi boys:
Stan and Kyle: Hi Mr. Mackie
Mr. Mackie: Have you boys been sure to pass gas regularly so you don't spontaneously combust?
Kyle: We know how to fart Mr. Mackie!
Mr. Mackie: Well let me show you, just to be sure, mmmkay [he shakes his ass] come on![he smacks his
ass] Good good ass [he farts]
[Stan and Kyle pull their shirts up over their noses]
Kyle: Jesus Christ!
Stan: Sick, dude!
Mr. Mackie: I had a steak wrapped with bacon last night [laughs]
Kyle: Dude, I could have know that (?)
[Mr. Mackie fans the fart]
Mr. Mackie: So you boys understand you have to do that regularly, mmmkay? [laughs]
Stan: Okay, okay! Just go away!
[Mr. Mackie leaves]
[Stan and Kyle put their shirts back to normal]
[Stan and Kyle begin to walk]
Kyle: God, that was not cool at all, dude!
[the see Mrs. Cartman and stop]
Mrs. Cartman: Oh, hello boys, have you seen Eric around anywhere?
Stan: [pause] Uh, we've been taking care of him
Kyle: Yeah, we're having his resur-erected
Mrs. Cartman: Oh, alright! I was just at the store buying some apples
Stan: Apples?
Mrs. Cartman: Yes, apples. [she farts] Apples, get it?
[Stan and Kyle pull their shirts up over their noses]
 Stan: Dude!
Kyle: Sick!
Mrs. Cartman: Stinky apples. See ya boys
Stan: I don't think I like this new law.
[Mrs. Cartman starts to leave]
Mrs. Cartman: Squeaker [lets out a squeaky fart]

[in front of the mayor's office]
[some people in the crowd have their shirts over their noses]
Mayor: And so I declare today Randy Marsh day, where we shall remember forever how he freed us all
from the threat of spontaneous combustion
[cheers and some farts]
Mayor: Gentlemen
[they unveil a naked statue of Mr. Marsh]
[more cheers]
Man: You're the best, Randy!
Mr. Marsh: I am? I am, huh! I never knew the depth of my scientific genius until now!
Kyle: It's too bad Cartman can't be here to enjoy this
Stan: Yeah

[hilltop]
Cartman: You guys! Seriously! Somebody get me down from myah!
[Officer Barbrady walks by singing like Ernie]
Cartman: Officer Barbrady!
[they stare at each other]
Officer Barbrady: T. T is for turtle. [he walks away singing like Ernie]
Cartman: Ay! Help me you sonofabitch! [breath] I'm gonna die up here

[Nobel Prize Awards]
Announcer: We now return to the 42nd Annual Nobel Prize Awards. Here again your host, Whoopi
Goldberg.
[Whoopi Goldberg comes out on stage]
[audience applauds]
Whoopi Goldberg: Republicans are so stupid!
[audience laughs]
Whoopi Goldberg: I hate republicans!
[audience laughs]
Whoopi Goldberg: Republicans are so stupid!
[audience laughs]
Whoopi Goldberg: And now here to present the Nobel Prize for Science, here's Nick Nolte
[Nick Nolte comes out]
[Whoopi Goldberg leaves]
[audience applauds]
Nick Nolte: Science is good. Science is very im-port-ant. This years nominees are...
[screen shows the nominees]
Nick Nolte: Harold R. Pinkerton for his further development of the grand unified theory of physics
[shows a freaky hair guy working with some lab equipment captioned by "Harold R. Pinkerton physics
theory"]
[audience applauds]
Nick Nolte: Randy Marsh for his formulated break-wind theory of spontaneous combustion
[shows Mr. Marsh pouring something into a vial and giving it to the Kenny actor caption "Randy Marsh
Break Wind Theory"]
[audience applauds]
Nick Nolte: And Alphonz Mephesto for his seven-assed Galapagos turtle
[shows Mephesto with a seven-assed turtle caption "Alphonz Mephesto 7 assed turtle"]
[the turtle makes a sound like the five-assed monkey]
[audience applauds]
[shot of Mephesto and Kevin]
Nick Nolte: And the Nobel Prize goes to [opens an envelope] Randy Marsh for the theory of spontaneous
fart thing
[audience applauds]
Mephesto: No! No, this can't be!
[Mr. Marsh steps up to the podium with a medal around his neck]
Mr. Marsh: Wow! Oh! Oh! Wow! I'm the best! Yeah! Yeah! It's just so amazing to be told that you're the
best! I thought I was just a normal person like all of you, but... Yeah! Thank you for showing me otherwise!
Yeah! I kick ass! Yeah! [he leaves hopping up and down]
Mephesto: Fixed! Fixed! That was supposed to be my award, Kevin! I'll get him for this! Mark my words!
[goes to Stan and Kyle watching it on TV]
Stan: Wow! My dad's the best! All other dads suck compared to my dad!
Kyle: Hey! My dad is pretty cool, too!

[the Brovlofsky's bedroom]
[they're lying in bed butt naked]
[Mrs. Brovlofsky is looking under the covers to see...]
Mr. Brovlofsky: [breath] I'm sorry honey...
Mrs. Brovlofsky: It's okay. I'll just call some twenty year old and have him come over.
Mr. Brovlofsky: What?!
Mrs. Brovlofsky: I'm just kidding.
Mr. Brovlofsky: Kidding?! Well, that's not funny! That hurt my feelings!
Mrs. Brovlofsky: Why?
Mr. Brovlofsky: Why?!
[Kyle bursts in]
Mrs. Brovlofsky: Kyle?!
Kyle: Don't worry you guys! I'm getting an erection as we speak!
Mr. Brovlofsky: Huh?!
Kyle: Well, actually Cartman's getting an erection, but  then we're gonna give it to you, so buck up!
[silence]
[Kyle leaves]
Mrs. Brovlofsky: We have a very strange little boy, Gerald!

[Cut to commercial]

[hilltop]
Stan: Dude, he's still not dead
Cartman: You guys, my mom is totally worried about me, you better let me down
Kyle: She's not worried about you
Cartman: Yes, she is! I've been hearing her all day! Listen, listen [tries to sound like Mrs. Cartman] Eric?
Eric, where are you? I miss you very much
Stan: That's not your mom calling
Cartman [trying to sound like Mrs. Cartman]: Yes it is, you guys! Now seriously! This is Eric's mom and I
want him home right now
Kyle: How stupid do you think we are?! Now you die on that cross and get resur-erected before I kick your
ass!
Cartman: You guys! Now it is too hot out myah! I can't do this!
Stan: He is right, it has been getting really hot lately
Kyle: Yeah, I noticed that too. Let's go get some ice-cold lemonade!
Stan: Yeah!
[Kyle and Stan walk off]
Cartman: Oh god damn it! You guys! You guys wanna hear my "I Hate Stan and Kyle Song"? [singing] I
hate Stan and Kyle. I seriously hate Stan and Kyle.

[mayor's office]
Mayor: My God! It's burning up in here! Can't we crank the AC up some more?!
Assistant: It's already on full.
[Mr. Marsh enters]
Mr. Marsh: You wanted to see me, mayor?
Mayor: Yes, Marsh, we have a new problem and I think only you can solve it
Mr. Marsh: I suspect you're talking about the dramatic heatwave
Mayor: Yes! The temperature is steadily rising every day! I want you to find out why
Mr. Marsh: Mayor, I think I'm a little overqualified for this, my scientific mind is best used on global
problems
Mayor: Alright, alright! Name your price
Mr. Marsh: Ten thousand, I have to protect my talent
Mayor: Done, just find out what's happening
Mr. Marsh: Don't worry, mayor. I'll find the cause. Or else? Or else what? Exactly
[silence]

[hilltop]
Cartman [exhaustedly]: You guys! Seriously now!
[he falls unconscious]
[Chef walks up]
Chef: What the...? [pause] Oh what now?!
[Cartman wakes up]
Cartman: Chef! Chef!
Chef: Children, what the hell are you doing?!
Cartman: Just get me down from here! [Chef takes him down] Oh, finally! My arms are killing me!
Chef: You children shouldn't be out crucifying yourselves out in this heat!

[Chef's car]
Cartman: Sweet! Now I'm gonna go kill those guys!
Chef: Eric, I have to tell you something, and it's really gonna bum you out!
Cartman: What?
Chef: It's gonna really piss you off!
Cartman: What?
Chef: This is just a dream. You still up on that cross

[hilltop]
Cartman: Goddamn it!


[Stan's basement]
[the Cheesy Poof song can be heard on the TV]
[Mr. Marsh is working with the test tubes]
[Stan comes down the stairs]
Stan: Dad, where's the phone book?
Mr. Marsh: Not now, Stanley. Without my scientific genius the town is doomed.
[Stan goes back upstairs]
Mr. Marsh: Let's see now, when exactly did the temperature start to go up?
Jesus [on TV]: Our topic tonight is the rising temperatures in South Park. Let's go to the phones.
[Jesus presses a button on the phone]
Jesus [on TV]: Caller, you're on the air.
Stan [on the phone on TV]: Yeah, Jesus, after you got crucified, how long did it take for you to die and
resurrect?
Mr. Marsh: Stan?
Jesus [on TV]: That's not the topic, tonight. The topic is global warming. 
Stan [on the phone on TV]: Oh
Jesus [on TV]: Do you have an opinion on global warming?
Stan [on the phone on TV]: Ah, it sucks ass
Jesus [on TV]: Okay. Thank you caller. Well, let's go to out first guest, Dr. Alphonz Mephesto. Thanks for
coming. [Mephesto comes  on TV] You claim to know the cause for global warming in South Park.
Mephesto [on TV]: I most certainly do! The cause of global warning is [takes out a picture of Mr. Marsh as
Satan] Randy Marsh. [dramatic chord] It was Marsh's theory on spontaneous combustion that told
everyone to fart all they want. Now all the methane from all those farts has ripped a hole in our ozone
layer. We are all doomed to die!
Mr. Marsh: Ah crap!

[in front of the mayor's office]
[an angry crowd is there and Mr. Marsh and the mayor are looking out a window]
Man #1: We want answers!
Woman #1: You killed us all!
Man #2: Someone's gotta pay!
Mayor: Boy they're really pissed
Mr. Marsh: Well they're right. We should have known that all that methane could adversely affect the
atmosphere.
Mayor: Well let's go talk to them. Stick by me.
[they go down and Mr. Marsh comes out]
[the mayor goes back in and closes the door]
Mr. Marsh: Hey!
Man #3: You killed us all!
Man #4: Shove that Nobel Prize up your ass!
[Stan and Kyle arrive]
Stan: Oh my God, what's going on?
Man #5: Now, either we hold in our farts and spontaneously combust, or we let our farts out and kill our
entire planet! Well, I'm, for one, am not farting anymore!
[suddenly he ignites and burns to a pile of ashes]
Mr. Marsh: Uh, I'll try to find a solution...
Man #6: We don't want your solution, phoney
Man #7: Give me that! [he rips the medal from him] Yeah!
Man #8: Damn you, Marsh! Get out of town!
Someone: You fraud!
[two people knock the statue onto him]
[Mr. Marsh carries it off as people throw rocks at him]
Mr. Marsh: Mr. Garrison, help me!
Mr. Garrison: I do not know you, sir.
[Mr. Marsh continues to walk away with the statue]
Man #9: Up yours!
Someone: Arrgh!
Kyle: Take that! [throws a rock at Mr. Marsh]
Stan: Dude! That's my dad!
Kyle: Oh yeah, sorry.

[cut to commercial]

[the news on TV]
Newsman: The spontaneous combustion problem escalates as more and more people go back to holding
in all their farts [shows three people spontaneously combust in sequence] Meanwhile the ozone layer
continues to deplete as others refuse to hold in their farts for fear of combustion. As we all know, the
cause for all of this is Randy Marsh, [shows a picture of Mr. Marsh] the sonofabitch who calls himself a
scientist. We caught up with Mr. Marsh earlier today and he had this to say
[caption: Randy Marsh - Son of a bitch]
Mr. Marsh: I don't know what to say
[back in the newsroom]
Newsman: What an asshole! I hate that guy and so do you! And now on to the weather. [shows a sun
with the words "heat wave" over it] It's fuckin hot! [Shows Mr. Marsh again] Thanks to Randy Marsh,
sonofabitch!

[outside Stan's house]
[an angry crowd is outside, some have torches]
[Stan and Kyle can be seen in the front window]
Kyle: Dude! Those people are pissed!
Stan: I know! Huh!
Kyle: Where's your dad?
Stan: He's hiding down in the basement. I don't know what to do!
Kyle: You have to help him, just like I have to help my dad

[shot of Cartman on the cross]

[Mr. Brovlofski's law office]
Radio: Still more effects from the heat wave caused by Randy Marsh. A giant glacier is melting above
South Park and the entire town is doomed! And now these messages
[different voice on the radio]
Radio: Having a hard time with male potency? [Mr. Brovlofski moves closer to the radio] Well I don't and
I'm Bob Dole. What's wrong with you? Christ! [Mr. Brovlofski looks pissed] I'm Bob Dole and I can get it up!
[Mr. Brovlofski turns off the radio]
[three women walk in]
Woman #1: Are you a lawyer?
Mr. Brovlofski: Yes
Woman #1: We want to see Randy Marsh
Mr. Brovlofski: Why?
Woman #1: He gave us skin cancer
Woman #2: Yeah! He put that hole in the ozone, and now we got skin cancer all over our hot bodies!
Look!
[the three women strip]
[shot of Mr. Brovlofski with his mouth hanging open]

[Stan's basement]
[Mr. Marsh is wrapped in a blanket behind the stairs]
[Stan and Kyle come down the stairs]
Stan: What are you doing, dad?
Mr. Marsh: Stanley, I think it's best you live with Kyle from now on. His dad is better than me
Stan: No he's not! He can't even get an erection!
Mr. Marsh: [chuckle] Really?
Stan: Dad, you've got to work! People are dying dad! You've gotta come up with a solution!
Mr. Marsh: Not me! I'm not a scientist, I'm a hack! Even if I found a solution, those people would still all
hate me
Stan: Well that doesn't matter! I learned something from the Stations of the Cross
Mr. Marsh: What?
Stan: At first, Jesus was all like "why me?" and he was all pissed off and stuff. But then He saw what
mattered most was everybody else. So He stopped thinking about His own misery, and did what had to
be done. Right as Jesus was dying, He raised His hand and said "The needs of the many outweigh the
needs of the few." 
[Mr. Marsh stands up and comes out from behind the stairs]
Mr. Marsh: You're right, Stanley! You're absolutely right! Hey, that Bible sounds like kind of a good book!
Stan: It ain't bad. You should try reading it sometime.
[Mr. Marsh walks off]
Kyle: Dude, that was Star Trek again! 
Stan: Huh?
Kyle:"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few"? That was Wrath of Khan.
Stan: Oh well! Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?
Mr. Marsh [putting on his lab coat]: Alright! Now, let's get to work!

[silly early seventies song plays]
[Mr. Marsh pours something into a test tube]
[Mr. Marsh pours the test tube into a beaker on a burner]
[shot of Stan and Kyle]
[Mr. Marsh writes something on a blackboard]
[Mr. Marsh shows Stan and Kyle a diagram of a hole in the ozone layer]
[Mr. Marsh pours two vials into a flask on a burner]
[Stan and Kyle watch the flask overflow]
[Mr. Marsh writes something on a clipboard]
[Mr. Marsh writes something on a blackboard]
[Mr. Marsh looks under a microscope]
[he writes something on a clipboard]
[shot of Stan and Kyle]
[Stan give his dad thumbs up]
[shot of a guy in a mask chasing the three through a hall with a lot of doors]
[Mr. Marsh pours something into a flask]
[shot of the guy in the mask chasing the three through some living room]
[shot of the three in a band]
[Mr. Marsh writes something on a blackboard]
[shot of the three each inside a heart on a fractal background]
[shot of Mr. Marsh]
[shot of the three running after the guy in the mask in some living room]
[shot of the three flying up into the sky]
[shot of the three each inside a heart on a fractal background]
[shot of the three flying up into the sky].
[shot of the three in a band]
[shot of the three and the guy in the mask running in and out of doors]
[the three run into the guy in the mask and turn back]
[shot of the three in a band with the guy in the mask]
Stan: Dad!

[back in Stan's basement]
Stan: Dad!
Mr. Marsh: Wow!
[music stops]
Stan: Dad, what are you doing? You have to get started
Mr. Marsh: [pause] Right, right, right

[Kyle's living room]
[Kyle and Ike are watching TV]
[Mr. Brovlofski comes in the door]
Mr. Brovlofski: Kyle, where's your mother?!
Kyle: She's upstairs!
Mr. Brovlofski: Well I have something to give to her! [he walks by with an obvious erection] Don't worry
Kyle! Everything's gonna be okay between me and your mom!
[Mr. Brovlofski walks out]
Kyle: Really! Great! I don't have to worry about that anymore!
[Ike hops up to where Kyle is sitting]
[Kyle changes the channel]

[shot of the hill with Cartman on the cross]
Cartman: Hello!

[in front of Stan's house]
[an angry crows is there and some have torches]
[Mr. Marsh comes out of the house]
Man #1: Look! There he is!
Man #2: Get him!
Mr. Marsh: Uh, please, everyone!
Man #3: You're a dead man, Marsh!
[they all start to throw rocks at Mr. Marsh]
Mr. Marsh: Please, just listen to me. I think I found the answer.
Man #4: Could I borrow one of your rocks?
Mr. Marsh: It's all about moderation. If you never fart, you combust, but if you always fart, you deplete the
ozone. So we must fart only at appropriate times or when it's really really funny.
[they stop throwing rocks]
Crowd: Huh?
Mr. Marsh: I know you all hate me, but please, for your own sake, fart in moderation. You can keep
stoning me now if you want.
[silence]
[one guy drops his rock]
[another guy throw a rock at Mr. Marsh]
Mr. Marsh: Ow!

[in front of the mayor's office]
[caption: "3 WEEKS LATER"]
Mayor: And so we solute Randy Marsh and his unified theory of moderation that has saved us all!
[crowd cheers]
Stan: See, my dad is the coolest after all!
Kyle: Well, my dad's...
Stan: Dude! Cartman! 
Kyle: I forgot all about him!

[hilltop where the cross is]
Stan: He's been up there for like, three weeks!
Kyle: Wow!
Stan: That's amazing!
Cartman [with a higher pitched voice]: You guys! I am really pissed off now!
Kyle: Dude! You're still alive, Cartman!
Cartman: Get me down from here!
Stan: Dude, you survived all this time on the fat stored up in your body?!
[shows Cartman with a figure very much like Starvin Marvin's]
Cartman: And when I get down from here, I'm gonna kick you both right in the nuts!

[silly seventies song plays through credits]
[fin]