Transcribed by Lee Estall ([email protected])

(Open to School Bus Stop. The four kids are dress up in Civil War Union clothes with musical instruments. Stan is holding the flag. Kyle is playing the flute. Cartman is playing a drum. Kenny is also playing a flute.)

Stan: Ready?! One, two, three, four! (They start playing)

Cartman: (Starts pounding his drum harder) Yeah! Yeah! We like to rock! Yeah! I like to rock! Hello, Baltimore!

Kyle: Cartman, what the hell are you doing?!

Cartman: I'm playing the drum!

Kyle: Well, you have to hit it softer!

Cartman: Ay, you can't just hit a drum! You have to beat the shit out of it! (Starts druming hard again) Shut your pot hole! I'll take you out, you fuckin' drum! (Stops) That's how you rock, dude!

Kyle: You're not supposed to rock! You're just supposed to keep the beat!

Cartman: I am keeping the beat! Your flute-playing sucks!

Stan: That's it, Cartman! You can't be the drummer!

Cartman: Hey, I'll get it!

Kyle: Dude, the Civil War Re-enactment is tomorrow! You're not gonna get it by tomorrow!

Cartman: Yes I will!

Stan: Alright, alright! Let's just try again! One, two, three, four! (They start playing)

Cartman: (Starts pounding his drum harder again) Yaaaaaaaaaah! Does Cleveland like to rock?! Yaaaaaaaaaah! Goddammit! Aaaaaaah!

Kyle: Aaaaaaaah!

Cartman: What?!

Kyle: Gimmie the drum and you play the flute!

Cartman: No way! Flutes are totally gay!

Kenny: (looks at his flute) {Are they gay?!}

Stan: Cartman, I'm the leader of the Re-enactment fife and drum squad and I say you play the flute!

Cartman: Oh! Well, you know what I say?! (puts the drum down on the ground and smashes it with his feet.) Screw y'guys! I'm goin' home!

Kyle: You dick!

Cartman: Later! (leaves)

(Cut to the town auditorium. 8:04 am. The next morning. The morning of the Re-enactment. All the men of South Park are attending the meeting dressed as Union and Confederates. Jimbo, dressed as a confederate, takes the podium.)

Jimbo: Alrighty, everyone! We just have a few things to go over before we head out to the Re-enactment Battlefield! First of all, I have great news! There're over two-hundred folks from around the states that have come to see this year's Re-enactment, and that's the best turn-out ever!

Everyone: (applauding) Yeaaaaaaaah!

(Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are in another part of the room. Kenny now has the drum.)

Stan: Where the hell is Cartman! If he misses the Orientation, they're not gonna let'im in the Re-enactment!

Kyle: He'll show!

Stan: He'd better!

Jimbo: I'm also very proud to announce that this year's alcohol sponsor is Yaggerman's S'more flavoured Schnapps! (Holds up some bottles of the stuff.) The schnapps with the delightfull taste of s'mores!

Everyone: Woaaaaah! (They all try some.)

Mr. Garrison: (Confederate) Mmmmm! Hey, it does taste like s'mores!

Stuart McKormic: (Confederate) Cough! Heh, yeah, and it's got quite a kick too!

Jimbo: And now to clartify how the Re-enactment should unfold, let's bring up our master historian! Grandpa Marvin Marsh! (Grandpa Marsh enters on stage. everyone applauds.) The only man old enough to have actually seen the Civil War Re-enactment of 1924!

Kyle: Wow, dude! Your Grandpa still isn't dead?!

Stan: Dude, that's not cool!

Cartman: (Enters dressed up as General Lee, beard, confederate suit, and all.) Good morning, gentlemen!

Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you doing?!

Kyle: Yeah! You're dressed up like the south!

Cartman: Yes! This year, I've decided to fight for the glorious south! Screw y'guys! Home! And may I say that we're going to whoop your ass this time!

Stan: You can't just come to a Civil War Re-enactment dressed up like General Lee, fatass!

Cartman: Oh, really?! I'm pretty sure I just did!

Grandpa Marsh: Okay! You all know the rules! You must fire your Blakes into the air, and if someone says they killed you, you gotta play dead! (everyone still drinking a bit of the schnapps.)

Kyle: The south loses this battle, Cartman! They lose the war!

Cartman: N'uh, uh! The south is gonna win!

Kyle: No they're not, stupid!

Cartman: Yes we are!

Kyle: How much you wanna bet?!

Jimbo: Now remember, everybody! For a good re-enactment, we've got to pretend down to the last detail that we're really in the Civil War! So in the north winds, all of us on the Confederate side should act all bummed and depressed...

Kyle: C'mon, Cartman! How much you wanna bet the south doesn't win?!

Cartman: Well, this war's about slavery, so how 'bout if the south wins, you two assholes have to be my slaves for a month!

Kyle: And if the north wins, you're our slave for a month?!

Cartman: Right!

Kyle: You're on!

Cartman: Then I shall bid you good morning, gentlemen, and see you on the battlefield! (leaves)

Stan: Ho, ho, ho! What a dumbass!

Kyle: Yeah! He doesn't even know that the south loses the Civil War!

Stan: It's gonna be rad having Cartman be our slave!

Jimbo: And with that, let's all head to Temrock Hill and put on a good show!

Everyone: (Cheering and drinking) Yeaaaaah!

(Cut to Temrock Hill. 9:00 am. The Re-enactment. The Union are set up on one side while the Confederates are on the other. Grandpa Marsh sits between the two sets of bleachers where the audience is sitting. There is a huge bell on the hill in the background.)

Announcer: Welcome to the South Park Re-enactment of the Battle of Temrock Hill! The men in grey are the Confederacy from the south! In the blue, the Union from the north!

Grandpa Marsh: It was a cold morning in 1862! The Union army had to get the bell on Aplomaticstown from Temrock Hill! What ensued was a bloody battle, but after many hours, the Union army prevailed! Here now is the re-enactment of that great battle! (blows a whistle)

Jimbo: (Confederate) Forward!

Randy: (Union) Let's bring those Confederate bastards down! (The three kids play their music as the Union and Confederacy go forward to battle.)

Jimbo: Fire!

(There are firings of guns. The Confederates attack.)

Randy: Alright, men! Fire! (The Union Attacks. All the actors have a real good time re-enacting the Civil War. A Union actor pretends to shoot a Confederate, and the Confederate falls down. Randy pretends to shoot someone.) Hey, uh, I shot you, Ned! You have to fall down!

Ned: OW! (Falls down)

Randy: Y'yeah!

(The Battle continues as the actors appear to be having fun.)

Man #1: (In the audience) Wow! So this is what it was like!

(The fake battle continues. Cartman, still dressed up as General Lee, appears on top of the hill next to the bell. Cartman takes the bell while the re-enactment continues.)

Man #2: (In the audience. Pointing to Cartman.) Hey, what's that guy doing?!

Cartman: Whoopie! Long live the Confederacah! (The battle stops. Everyone looks at Cartman.)

Grandpa Marsh: What the hell!

Randy: Hey! He took the bell!

Gerald: (Union) He can't do that!

Grandpa Marsh: The Confederacy doesn't take the bell!

Cartman: Hooray for the south! (Still carries the bell down the hill.)

Stan: Cartman, you can't do that!

Grandpa Marsh: Goddammit! Now we have to start over!

(Cut to the fake Confederacy Camp. 10:24 am. Re-enactment Second Attempt. Everyone is drinking the Schnapps.)

Jimbo: Alrighty, everyone! We're going to do the entire re-enactment again because of some confusion over the bell! (Cartman enters. To Cartman.) Now, I know you're just trying to help, Eric, but we have to let the Union army capture the bell this time!

Cartman: But why?! Why should they get the bell?!

Jimbo: W'well, 'cause we're supposed to lose!

Cartman: But we don't have to lose!

Jimbo: What?!

Cartman: Gentlemen, we can win this battle! Sure, we could lose, and tonight we can go back to our families and say "We did it! We lost like we were supposed to! Aren't we proud!"! (Confederate actors are drinking.) Or...or we take that hill! We take that hill, and when we stand tall upon it, we hold our heads high and we yell "Not this year! This year belongs to the Confederacah!"! (Confederate actors are still drinking. Jimbo take a large swig of the S'more Flavoured Schnapps.)

Jimbo: (flimsily) By God, he's right!

Mr. Garrison: Jimbo!

Jimbo: Yeah! I've been re-enacting this war for twenty-two years now, and for twenty-two years, this Confederate re-enactors have had to spend the evening being ridiculed and made fun of by the Union re-enactors! Well, I'm sick of it!

Mr. Garrison: Yeah, why do we have to be their bitches every year?!

Stuart McKormic: I'm tired of losing this battle!

Jimbo: And I say it's high time we kick some ass! Who's with me?!

Confederate Actors: Yeah! (One falls over, drunk. They are all pretty drunk. Cartman smiles.)

(Cut to Temrock Hill. Re-enactment. Second Attempt. Everything is set up as it was in the first attempt.)

Grandpa Marsh: Alright, folks! Sorry for the false start! We're ready to go again! (Narrates) It was a cold morning in 1862! The Union army had to...

Confederate Actors: (enter) Yaaaaaaah! (They fire their guns and hoot and holler. They imediately attack the Union actors.)

Gerald: (Union) Uh, what are they doing?!

Mr. Garrison: (Confederate) You yankee sons of bitches!

(This time, the Confederate army REALLY attacks the Union army. Confederates punch out Union guys, and blood spews. A Confederate shoots Randy in the ass.)

Randy: Ow! That hurt!

Grandpa Marsh: Goddammit! What the hell are they doing?!

(The battle continues.)

Kyle: Wha'do we do?!

Stan: Run for your life, dude! (The three kids run like hell. The battle continues. Cartman overlooks the battle.)

Cartman: God bless those men who fight for their freedom! God bless those men! And God bless the Confederacah!

(The battle continues. Jimbo tackles Randy.)

Randy: Oh!

Jimbo: Surrender your men, General!

Randy: Jimbo, have you lost your mind?!

Jimbo: Surrender your men, General!

Randy: Alright, alright! We surrender!

(All the Union actors raise both their hands into the air and surrender. The three kids come out from behind a tree with their hands up.)

Barbrady: (in the audience) The south winned?!

Jimbo: The south wins!

Confederate Actors: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (Cheering, drunkily)

Grandpa Marsh: Goddammit!

(Cut to the town auditorium. That night. 8:45 pm. Re-enactment After Party. Confederate actors are partying with that Yaggerman's S'more flavoured Schnapps. Randy and the Union actors are just standing there.)

Jimbo: Well, we can all be friends now! C'mon, Randy! Have some S'mores Schnapps! (Gives Randy his bottle.)

Randy: Well, I can't be happy! You ruined the re-enactment!

Jimbo: Aw, come on! Have a little sip! (Randy sips the bottle. Stan and Kyle are in another part of the room and Cartman, still dressed as General Lee, joins them.)

Cartman: So, y'guys about ready to start being my slaves?!

Kyle: You cheated, Cartman!

Stan: Yeah, and it doesn't matter, because the bet was that the south doesn't win the war, and the south still didn't win the war, dipshit!

Kyle: Yeah, too bad you're such a dumbass at history, you would've known that!

Cartman: Sigh! I hate y'guys so much! So very very much! And this is not over! Not by a longshot! (Confederates are still getting drunk and partying and the Unions are starting to get drunk too.)

Randy: (Union) All I'm saying is that...i'is that the Confederates would've just gotten their asses kicked in Topeka!

Mr. Garrison: (Confederate) That ain't true! The Confederates would've whooped ass in Topeka too!

Confederate Actors: Yeah!

Gerald: (Union) You're dreaming!

(Cartman approaches Jimbo who is at the podium.)

Cartman: (to Jimbo) Perhaps we should take Topeka!

Jimbo: Huh?!

Cartman: The mock us in Kansas, soldier! They think the south is a joke! They don't respect our authoritah!

Jimbo: They don't?!

Cartman: No! I say we take Topeka!

Jimbo: (to everyone) You know what?! I'll bet we could take Topeka right now and prove 'em all wrong!

Randy: Huh?!

Stuart McKormic: That's right! Maybe we should do what the Confederates would've done and march on to Topeka!

Mr. Garrison: I'll bet we could!

Jimbo: I'll bet we could too!

Cartman: (out the side of his mouth) I'll bet you can't!

Jimbo: What?! Is that a challenge?! I'll bet we can!

Cartman: (out the side of his mouth. in another voice) I'll bet you can't! Because you guys are all pussies!

Jimbo: Pussies?! Oh, yeah?! Men! It's time to show the world what this Confederate army has got! We're gonna take Topeka once and for all!

Confederate Actor #1: Yeah!

Confederate Actor #2: Yeah!

Confederate Actors: Yeah!

Jimbo: (to the Union actors) All you men! You may have lost in the Union today, but join us now and win back your pride!

Union actor #1: Yeah!

Union actor #2: Yeah!

Randy: May the Union be damned!

Jimbo: Let's go!

Everyone: Yeaaaaaaaaaah! (they all leave except the four kids.)

Cartman: Oh, what was our bet again?! Let's see! Yes! I remember! If the south wins, you have to to be my slaves for a month!

Kyle: They're just drunk, Cartman! As soon as they sober up, they'll stop!

Cartman: Yes! E'e'enjoy your freedom, gentlemen! Soon, you will be my propertah! Come, Kenny! Come fight for us and I'll make sure you get lots of plunder and womens!

Kenny: {Whoopie!} (leaves with Cartman)

Everyone: (All the re-enactors as they burst out the door of the auditorium.) Yaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (They all head for Topeka, Kansas.)

(Cut to Topeka, Kansas. 7:53 am. The next morning. A postman drops a letter into someone's mailbox. A man passes by. A teacher opens the door to her school. A trafic cop helps somebody to cross. The postman meets the teacher.)

Postman: Good morining, Mrs. Hollis!

Teacher: Hello, Ralph!

Postman: Did you happen to catch that ball game last night?!

Teacher: I'm afraid I was grading papers pretty late and...(They hear a rumbling. Everyone in town hears the rumbling. On the street.)

Topekan: (In his car. To the Trafic Cop) What's that noise, officer?!

(On the horizon, the re-enactors from South Park appear. They attack Topeka.)

Re-enactors: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Jimbo: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

(They all start beating up topekans one by one. Randy shoots the Postman in the head. Gerald rapes the Teacher. Another South Parker bombs a small house. Jimbo and Ned enter a church and topekan church-goers come out screaming. Stuart McKormic Shoots the Trafic Cop in the ass.)

Trafic Cop: Ow!

Stuart McKormic: Freeze, buddy! These are blanks, but they still hurt like hell!

(The whole town is under seige. Jimbo in now found in the bell tower ringing the bell.)

Jimbo: It's ours! It's ours! We've taken Topeka!

Re-enactors: Yeaaaaaaaah!

Randy: (shaking the Postman) Alright, yank! Tell us where you keep your Yaggerman S'more Flavoured Schnapps!

Postman: Er, er, er, schnapps?! Uh, uh, I guess it would be at the liquor store!

Randy: WHERE?!

Postman: AT THE LIQUOR STORE! AT THE LIQUOR STORE! Sob, sob, sob!

Randy: (To re-enactors) C'mon, boys! (They all head for a little liquor store.)

Teacher: This is the most bizzare thing I've ever seen!

(Cartman passes by. Still dressed as General Lee.)

Cartman: (To the Teacher) Excuse mah!

(Cut to South Park. The Express Bus Stop. Stan and Kyle are sitting on a bench.)

Stan: Dude, my mom is so pissed at my dad for going to Kansas!

Kyle: I know, but why do they have to take it out on us?! Why do WE have to wait around for them to come back?!

Stan: There comes a bus!

(A bus enters. Jim Butters comes out of the bus. The bus leaves. Butters is dressed as a Confederate Messenger.)

Stan: Butters?! Are you the only one that came back?!

Butters: Uh, C'confederate messenger Butters reporting, sir! I've a message for you from the battle field!

Stan: What battle field?!

Butters: At Topeka, we're raisin' all kinds of hell, see! Heh! (Gives Stan a little paper scroll) It's probably the most fun I've had in several months! Well, well! Are you gonna read your message or not?!

(Stan unrolls the scroll and reads with Cartman dictating in the background.)

Cartman: (in the background) Dear guys! Words cannot express how much I hate y'guys! As we fight our way northward into the great sundown, only that one thing remains certain! That I hate y'guys with every tired muscle in my Confederate body! We're taking Topeka and now I must rally the men onward to Mossourah, because I will not stop until we have won it all and y'guys are my slaves, because I hate y'guys! I hate y'guys so very very much! Yours, General Cartman Lee!

Stan: (Crumples the message) Goddammit! That fat piece of shit!

Kyle: Dude, what if Cartman really does succeed and we really do have to be his slaves?!

Stan: That would suck so much ass!

Kyle: We have to stop him, dude!

Stan: I'll go get my Grandpa! He'll help us! Where's the Confederate army now, Butters?!

Butters: Uh, I ain't s'posed to tell you that! If I told you that, we-ell, I'd be a-a no-good yankee son of a bitch!

Kyle: We'll give you ten bucks!

Butters: Oh! O-okay!

(Cut to News 4. The News Announcer is sitting at his desk. There is a picture of Courtney Love showing on the screen.)

News Announcer: ...and was forced to live off her own feces for several days! (the picture of Courtney Love dissappears. Now they show a couple of pictures from the recent attack at Topeka, Kansas.) In national news, a frightening radical group from Colarado is making its way across the southern states of America! The group is recruiting new members in each town they pass through and rapidly growing in number! So authorities have decided to call in the National Guard! (Shows picture of Jimbo.) The group seems to be lead my millitary master mind and right-winged radical, Jimbo Kearn, who is known for his guerrilla fighting and leadership skills!

(Cut to Topeka, Kansas.)

Jimbo: Gonna need s'more s'mores schnapps! I'm gonna be sick! (barfs)

(Cut to Chattanooga, Tennessee. 2:35 pm. Buildings are burning. Stan, Grandpa Marsh, and Kyle are there. They see the wreakage.)

Stan: Oh, boy! This is worse than I thought!

Grandpa Marsh: Well, C'mon, Billy! We gotta make these little peckers stop before they get themselves killed!

(Pan into a street on the town.)

Confederate Actor #3: (Drunkily) Aaaaaaaaa!

Chattanoogan #1: I tell ya! You can either fight them or join them!

Chattanoogan #2: Well, I'm joinin' them! Those blanks hurt!

(Stan, Kyle, and Grandpa Marsh enter.)

Stan: Dad! Dad! (Finds Randy) Mom wants you to come home!

Randy: Not now, Stan! I'm pillaging! (to a passing Chattanoogan) Get over here!

Kyle: (to Gerald) You got to stop, Dad! If the south wins, me and Stan have to be Cartman's slaves!

Gerald: This is a re-enactment, Kyle! My name is Private John Farcastle and I have to do what my General tells me!

Jimbo: Hey, there's s'more schnapps! Over here!

Gerald: More schnapps! (heads to where Jimbo is. The National Guard enter.)

Seargent Larson: I'm Seargent Larson of the National Guard! We're here to stop the terrorists!

Grandpa Marsh: They're not terrorists! They're just a bunch of drunk wankers from Colorado!

Seargent Larson: Well, we can't just shoot 'em! There's innocents and children about! Dawkins!

Dawkins: Sir!

Seargent Larson: Fire a warning flare!

Dawkins: Yes sir! (fires a flare into the air which falls and kills Kenny. Kenny's body is on fire.)

Jimbo: Mayday!

(A fake Confederate soldier puts out Kenny with a fire extinguisher.)

Seargent Larson: Whoops!

Stan: Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!

Grandpa Marsh: You bastards!

Kyle: Hey!

National Guard Soldier #1: We can't fire at them, sir! There're too many children!

Seargent Larson: Then how do we stop them?!

Stan: I know how! But, we'll have to wait untill dark!

(Cut to South Park. Kenny's House. Mrs. McKormic goes out to their mailbox to get the mail. She finds a message from the battle field. She opens it and reads it. It is from Cartman.)

Cartman: (in the background) Dear Miss McKormic! It is with a very heavy heart that I must inform you that your son Kenny was killed in battle on the morning of November 18 at Groobie Hill's Funland in Chattanooga! This war has taken something from all of us and although your son appears to be the only casualty so far, know that we all share your pain! Your son did not die in vain! I shall persevere and make Stan and Kyle my slaves, because I hate those guys! I hate them so very very much! Yours, General Cartman Lee!

(Cut to Confederate Camp. That Night. Confederates are still drinking that schnapps. The boxes of schnapps are piled in one spot. Stan, Grandpa Marsh, Kyle, and another National Guard Soldier appear behind a tent.)

Stan: There! You see?! We take the s'more schnapps, and by morning, they're all gonna wanna go home!

Grandpa Marsh: Nice thinkin', Billy!

National Guard Soldier #2: Lets go! (They all go for the boxes of Schnapps. Pan to Cartman's tent. Cartman is in there with a pipe in his mouth. Jimbo enters)

Jimbo: Where to next, General!

Cartman: Where do the Confederates go, son?!

Jimbo: Well, I, uh, guess the Fort Supture in South Carolina! That's where the Civil War really escellated!

Cartman: Ha! Splendid! Then to Fort Supture we shall go!

Jimbo: Well, that sounds great! I'm gonna get some s'more schnapps! Wa'nything?!

Cartman: Yeah! Could I get some of those animal cookies?! Those Frause ones with the sprinkles on 'em?!

Jimbo: Um, sure! (Goes to the boxes of Schnapps. Opens some boxes to find out they are empty.) What the...! Hey! Where's the s'mores schnapps?!

Randy: We're out of s'mores schnapps?!

Mr. Garrison: (turns his empty bottle upside down) That can't be!

Jimbo: I guess we drank it all!

(Pan to the National Guard's setup)

Dawkins: Now, what!

Stan: Now, we just wait until morning! (looks to the camp) Checkmate, Cartman! Pretty soon, you're gonna be our slave!

Kyle: Yeah!

(Cut to Confederate Camp. Next Morning. 7:29 am. 7 Hours Without Schnapps. Everyone's sobering up.)

Confederate Actor #4: Uhhhhhhg!

Confederate Actor #5: Owwwwch!

Randy: Oh, my head!

Gerald: Where am I?!

Jimbo: Ned, I think I can say without any doubt that that was the longest drinking binge we've ever had!

Ned: Mmmmm, oh! Mmmmm, oh, my head!

Mr. Garrison: Oh, no! I'm s'posed to be at work today!

Stuart McKormic: Me too!

Jimbo: Well, c'mon everybody! We've gotta get to the nearest bus station quick! (They all start to leave. Cartman steps out of his tent.)

Cartman: Where're you going?!

Jimbo: We're going home, kid! C'mon!

Cartman: We can't go home! We have to take Fort Supture!

Randy: Uh, the only thing we gotta do is get home before our wives leave us!

Cartman: No! What about the Confederacah?! What about freedom! (Stan, Kyle, and Grandpa Marsh enter.)

Stan: Ha, ha! You loose, fatass!

Cartman: God, I hate y'guys!

Kyle: Yeah, but you know, I think you've learned something today! You've learned that you can't rewrite history! (Cartman sees a payphone.) You see, history is forever, and everything happens for a reason! (Cartman starts to leave) Sure, you can try to change the past, but usually, you know...

Stan: (to Cartman) Where're you going?!

Cartman: This isn't over! Oh, no! Oh, no! Not by a longshot!

(Cut to Green Pastures where the fake Confederates are still walking home.)

Randy: Oh! I don't believe we came all the way out here!

Jimbo: Yeah! Well, I don't think the bus station is too far from here!

Stuart McKormic: Uh, how much do you think a bus ticket back to Colarado's gonna run?! (Two trucks enter. They are filled with Yaggerman's S'more Flavoured Schnapps. Two guys get out of one truck and start unloading. A woman with huge tits approaches the men with two bottles of Schnapps.)

Suzzette: Hello! I am Suzzette, the s'more schnapps girl! (Cartman gets out of the truck) We are pleased to sponsor you with all the s'more schnapps you need!

Randy: Uh, I can't drink anymore of that stuff!

Gerald: Me neither!

Cartman: Uh, uh, come-come on, guys! Just one little drink! A-a toast to how far you came and all that you saw!

Suzzette: Yes, please! Two shots out of my breasts! (Pours the two bottles between her tits.)

Jimbo: Well, I guess one little cheers is in order!

(Cut to later. The Confederates are drunk again.)

Confederate Actors: Woo hooooooo!

Jimbo: Hey, look! Ned's doing his trick again! (Ned walks across wearing a lamp shade over his head.)

Mr. Garrison: Hey, guys! Let's all play a game of Grabass!

Gerald: What's Grabass?!

Mr. Garrison: You just run around in cirlces and try to grab each others asses!

Randy: Hey! That sounds fine! (Grabs Mr. Garrison's ass.)

Mr. Garrison: Aah!

(They all play the game as Mr. Garrison described it. Cartman enters.)

Cartman: Gentlemen! (They all listen) I hate to break up the parteh, but I believe we have a fort to take!

Jimbo: You heard the General!

Confederate Actors: Yeaaaaaaaaah! (they all leave. Grandpa Marsh, Stan, and Kyle have seen this taking place.)

Stan: Oh, no!

Kyle: We'll never stop him now!

(Cut to Map of the South-eastern States which indicates the fake army going past Georgia, Into Alabama, and then entering Florida. They drink S'more Schnapps, attack towns, and have more parties. They also visit DisneyWorld in Florida.)

Confederate Actors: (Riding the log ride.) Woo hooooo!

Cartman: Yes! YES! (Then, the army heads back north to Georgia, attacks more towns, and heads to South Carolina to the Fort.)

(Cut to the Fort.)

Fort Guide: Throughout 1861, the Confederate authorities tried to drive out the Union occupents of Supture peacefully, but Abraham Lincoln's administration would not surrender the fort to the Confederates! So Jefferson Davis decided to take action!

Tourist: And the Confederates won the fort?!

Fort Guide: Yes! Imagine what it must've been like! You're a Union soldier stationed at this fort, and one day, you look out and see thousands of confederates ready to pounce on ya! (They look and see the fake Confederate army from South Park ready to attack.) Uh...

Cartman: TAKE THE FORT!

Jimbo: CHARGE!

Confederate Actors: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(They attack the Fort Guide and the Tourists.)

Jimbo: (Raises his bottle) We've got it! The fort the fort is ours! (Everyone cheers. Then, there is a bang.)

Randy: What was that?!

(The National Guard surround the fort.)

Sargent Larson: (On a megaphone) Attention, political activists! You're on government historical document property! Surrender the logement with your hands up! If you would like a tour of the fort, one can fill your needs through the South Carolina Chamber of Commerce!

Stan: (takes the megaphone) Give up, fatass! There's over a hundred National Guard guys here!

Cartman: Suck my ass!

Jimbo: Wha'do we do, General?! We're outnumbered!

Cartman: We asked the state of South Carolina for recruits! Some re-enforcements are bound to show up!

Seargent Larson: Alright! That does it! Blow the whole thing up!

Stan: No! You can't do that! Our dads are in there!

Seargent Larson: Sorry, son! We've tried it your way! Now, we do it our way! Prepare the morter!

Mr. Garrison: Hold it right there!

(The recruits, about which Cartman spoke, show up. They completely outnumber the National Guard. They surround the National Guard.)

South Carolina Recruits: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Jimbo: Wow! Look at that! The entire state of South Carolina showed up!

Cartman: I knew they would!

Stan: Aw, dammit!

South Carolina Recruit: We're ready to fight with ya! Long live the Confederacy!

Re-enactors: Yeehaw!

Cartman: Now, our numbers are truly great! It is time! It is time to march to Washington D.C.!

(Cut to Washington D.C.. 7:45 am. All the Confederate Soldiers are outside of the White House.)

Jimbo: Hey, government! You can't ignore our anguished cries anymore! Y'hear that?! Eh'government?!

(Pan to inside White House where the President, Vice-President, and a secretary are.)

Vice-President: Oh boy! This doesn't look good!

Secretary #1: It's just like the million-man march except that there actually are a million people! (A second secretary bursts through the door.)

Secretary #2: Mr. President! A message for you from the extremists! (gives the President the message. He reads it. It's from Cartman.)

Cartman: (in the background.) Dear Mr. President! There are times when humans can no longer endure their government's authoritah! You must declare the Confederacah its own nation so that we may enter into a new millenium of prosperitah! If you do not meet our demands, we will be forced to show the video tapes we have with you with Marisa Tomei!

President: Oh, dear God! Well, we have to meet their demands!

Secretary #1: What?! Sir! There's...there's not that many of them!

Vice-President: As vice-president, I think we'd better give them what they want! It's just the southern states! Who really needs them?!

President: My hands are tied! Tell General Lee that I'll meet him in front of the Capitol!

Secretary #1: Sir! (salutes the President)

Vice-President: I'm so glad I don't have your job!

(Pan outside)

Stan: Dude, let's just give up now and accept that we have to be Cartman's slaves!

Grandpa Marsh: Dammit, Billy! This isn't about you havin' to be slaves! This is about history! We can't let them change it!

Stan: But we've tried everything, Grandpa! What else can we do?!

Grandpa Marsh: Wait a minute! They're all still doing the re-enactment! What we have to do is play into that! C'mon, Billy! You boys need a quick history lesson! (He leads the boys somewhere else. Pan to the Capitol. The President is about to sign the document.)

President: Alright! I'm gonna sign the document declaring the Confederacy winners of the Civil War!

Confederate Actors: Hooraaaaaaaay!

Jimbo: Boy! We really got the President by the balls! Good thing you got that video tape of him and Marisa Tomei!

Cartman: I don't! I made it up!

(Stan and Kyle approach the President dressed up as Jefferson Davis and Abraham Lincoln, respectively.)

Jimbo: Hey! Who's that?!

Kyle: Hello! I'm Abraham Lincoln! President of the United States!

Stan: Yes, and I'm Jefferson Davis! President of the Confederacy!

President: Boy! This just keeps gettin' weirder! Doesn't it!?

Cartman: What the hell are you guys doing?!

Jimbo: Hey, General! He's re-enacting Jefferson Davis! You can't talk that way to a superior officer!

Stan: Men, I want you all to know that, as president of the confederacy, I am hereby surrendering!

Cartman: What?!

Kyle: Well, as Abraham Lincoln, I accept your surrender and agree to your conditions! You and all the confederates will have all the s'mores schnapps you can drink for a year!

Confederate Actors: Whoooaaaaah!

Randy: A whole year?!

Jimbo: Alright! Well, I think we got what we wanted!

President: That's it?! I...I don't have to sign this thing?!

(Stan and Kyle shake hands in victory.)

Gerald: Hey, come on! We should take a tour of the Smithsonian before we head back! (All the fake confederate soldiers leave.

Cartman: No! We still have to fight!

Jimbo: Lincoln and Davis signed a treaty, General! The war is over! (leaves)

Cartman: Noooooooooooo! (Stan and Kyle join him.)

Stan: It's finally over, Cartman! You lost!

Kyle: Yeah! And now, you can take that stupid beard off! (Rips off Cartman's beard.)

Cartman: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (His scream can be heard all around Washington, all over the states, all over the world, all over the galaxy, even on the planet Marklar -- See Episode 311, and also on the planet with the original aliens -- See Episode 101. The President Joins the three boys.)

President: Boys, as President of the United States, I wanna commend you stopping the rebel upriser!

Stan: Don't touch me!

Kyle: Well, Cartman, the south lost! That means you're our slave for a month!

Cartman: Dammit! Dammit, I was so close! Dammit!

Stan: Now, the first thing I want you to do for us is...

Cartman: Wait a minute! I don't have to be your slave!

Kyle: What?!

Cartman: The north still won the Civil War! That means slavery is abolished!

President: H'he's right, boys! Slavery is illegal and immoral! Partially in thanks to the north winning the Civil War!

Stan: Aaaaw!

Cartman: (Raspberry.) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Stan: Aw, to hell with it! Let's just go home! (sarcastically) Thank's a lot, Bill Clinton!

Kyle: Yeah! Thanks, dick!

(Closing Credits.)