Transcribed by Lee Estall ([email protected])

(Open to Street in South Park. Kenny, Stan and Kyle are walking down the street.)

Stan: Dude, what're we gonna do for New Year's Eve?! It has to be awesome!

Kyle: I know! It's probably gonna be the biggest night of our lives!

(Cartman runs up.)

Cartman: Y'guys! Y'guys! Guess what!

Kyle: What, fatass?!

Cartman: I've become a man! I started pubrity, y'guys!

Kenny: {What?!}

Stan: No you didn't!

Cartman: Yes! I really did!

Stan: How do you know?!

Cartman: Well, because yesterday, I got my period!

Kyle: You got your what?!

Cartman: My period, y'guys! You see, there comes a time in every child's life when they grow up and nature starts to take its course by having you bleed out of your ass for a few days every month!

Stan: You're making that up! (Miss Alton steps out) Miss Alton, what's it mean to get a period?!

Miss Alton: Well, boys, I don't think I can tell you! Uh...

Stan: Please! It's important!

Miss Alton: Well, it's when pubrity hits and you bleed...you know...down there! (pointing to her crotch.)

Kyle: Holy shit, dude! Cartman's right!

Cartman: Well, guys, I'm afraid I won't be able to hang out with you on New Year's Eve! I have to hang out with the older crowd because now, I'm mature! (Chants) I got my period and you guys didn't! I got my period and you guys didn't! (leaves)

Stan: Dude, Cartman can't hit pubrity before us!

Kyle: Well, maybe we'll get ours soon too! I'm gonna go see if I'm bleeding out my ass!

Kenny: {Me too!}

(Cut to News Flash.)

Announcer #1: In local news, a stomach virus is going around that is causing bleeding of the colon in some small children! Doctors are telling parents that the virus is nothing to worry about and that the infections can be dealt-with with simple antibiotics!

Announcer #2: Well, it's just four days until New Year's Eve 1999! The new millenium is almost upon us, and all over the world, people have started to celebrate by dancing, singing, and killing one another! But, probably, the biggest event of the millenium is one happening in South Park, Colarado where people have gathered for a chance to see Jesus Christ! Craig Nezzo is standing by!

(News Flash pans to the outside of Jesus' House. Hundreds of people are crowding the house and Craig Nezzo is about to give his report.)

Craig Nezzo: Thank's, Tom! It is indeed four days until the new millenium and hundreds if not thousands of people have come from all over the world seeking Jesus here at his house in South Park! Everyone is giddy with anticipation for Jesus to come out because, as we all know, if Jesus comes out of his and is not scared by his shadow, it means the next thousand years will be full of peace and love! (The door of Jesus' House opens.) Oh! It looks like Jesus might be coming out! (Jesus peeks out the door.)

Tommy's Mom: Oh, look, Tommy! There he is! Can you see him?!

Tommy: He's neat, mommy!

(Cameras flash. Jesus goes back in and comes back out as soon as the cameras stop.)

Craig Nezzo: Everyone is quiet here, Tom! Looks like the little fellow's a bit nervous! (Jesus steps further forward.) But, he has taken another step out! Tom, this is great news for us!

Jesus: Um...what are you people doing?! (Pause) Can I help you with something?! (Pause)

Craig Nezzo: Well, it's the millenium, Jesus!

Jesus: Uh huh!

Craig Nezzo: Well, it's the millenium!

Man #1: Yeah!

Man #2: Yeah!

Camera Man: Yeah!

Man #3: Right!

Jesus: So, what happens at the millenium?!

Craig Nezzo: I don't know!

Jimbo: We thought YOU did!

Man #2: Yeah! You're s'posed to know!

Man With A Ghoti: Yeah!

Man #3: Yeah! You're Jesus! You're s'posed to know!

Man #4: Hey!

Jesus: Oh! Well..., Yea! Believe in me an ye shall find peace!

Mr. Garrison: Yeah, yeah, yeah! We've heard that crap for about two-thousand years now! We wanna hear something new! It's the year 2000 for Christ's sake!

Everyone: Yeah!

Jesus: Well, wha'd'you want?!

Father Maxi: We want to see God!

Randy: Yeah! With our own eyes!

Everyone: Yeah!

Jimbo: We followed blindly for thousands of years and we think the least God can do is show up for New Year's Eve 1999!

Everyone: Yeah!

Jesus: Oh! Uh, lemmie think about that for a minute! (Goes back in his house.)

Man #5: Is that good?!

Man #3: I don't know!

Man #6: I don't know! Is that good or not?!

(Cut to Stan's House. The phone rings.)

Stan: Hello!

Kyle: (on phone) Dude! Did you get your period yet?!

Stan: No! There's no blood coming out of my ass!

Kyle: (on phone) Mine neither, but I double checked and Cartman was right! Your period is that start of pubrity!

Stan: Well, if Cartman's the only one who gets it and he thinks he's too grown-up to hang out with us on New Year's Eve, then screw him anyways!

Kyle: (on phone) Yeah!

(Cut to Kenny's House. Kenny sits on the toilet reading a magazine. A farty noise is heard. Kenny steps off and looks in the toilet. He sees blood in the toilet.)

Kenny: {Whoopie! WHOOPIIIIE!}

(Cut to Pharmacy. Cartman is looking at packages of MaxiPads and Tampons. Stan and Kyle look upon him.)

Stan: C'mon, Cartman! We have to make plans for New Years!

Cartman: Hold your horses, guys! This is very important for mature people! (looks at another package) Let's see! "Offers complete protection during heavy flow."! (looks at another package) Le'see! "Makes main stoppage of vaginal chunks."! Eh! (looks at another package) Oh! This one's got wings, y'guys!

(Kenny enters)

Kenny: {Whoopie! I got my period! I got my period too!}

Cartman: You did?!

Kyle: You got your period too, Kenny?!

Kenny: {Yeah, you guys! I got home, sat on the toilet, and I got my period!}

Cartman: Well, welcome to the club, Kenny! You got your period, so now you're a man! We can hang out together on New Year's Eve! But first, you need to buy some maxipads to stuff in the back of your pants so you don't get blood on your underwear!

Kenny: {WHOOOOPIIIIE!}

(Cut to Jesus' House. Outside. People are still crowed. Inside. Jesus is pacing while the TV is on.)

Craig Nezzo: (on TV) Tom, it looked for a second as if Jesus was going to come out of his house, but then, he went back inside! But meanwhile, more and more people are showing up to show their support for Jesus! (one holds up a sign saying "It's the end of the MILLENIUM. Please don't kill us JESUS.")

Farmer: (on TV) Well, the way I see, if he really is who he says he is, well, he'd better do something on New Year's Eve, 'cause it's in the Bible!

Jesus: Sigh! Father, I need to talk to you! Please, father! Appear to me! (he is transported to a blue cloudy place.)

God: (Unseen) What is it, my child?!

Jesus: Father, everyone is starting to pay attention to me again because of the new millenium! I-I'm kinda making a come-back!

God: (Unseen) Yea! Like John Travolta before you! You are experiencing a second revival!

Jesus: It's the millenium, father! People want to see you!

God: (Unseen) Nay! Their eyes are not yet prepared to see the likes of me!

Jesus: But dad, I think this may be my one big shot at a come-back!

God: (Unseen) Be ye careful of pride, Jesus!

Jesus: Just make an appearance! You can come down, say hi to a few people, and can be back by 12:30!

God: (Unseen) I'm sorry, my son, but if you want to earn everyone's love, you will have to do it yourself!

(Cut to Kyle's House. Ike is playing with his blocks and Kyle joins him.)

Kyle: Ike, can I talk to you?!

Ike: Uh, uh! We're different!

Kyle: Ike, I don't know what to do! All the guys are getting their periods and I don't think I am! I can't be the last one to get it! I just can't!

Ike: Buh, buh! Cheerie!

Kyle: Cartman got his, then Kenny! What if tomorrow Stan says he got his and I'm left out! I might not even get to be their friend anymore!

Ike: No! Words are sucker! Mogie! Moogamo goust! Cabagoust!

Kyle: Yeah! I could just SAY I got my period! It's not like they'll check! I can just say I got my period 'cause I really WILL get it someday! It's not really lying! It's just jumping the gun a little!

Ike: Cooka makker!

Kyle: Thanks a lot, Ike!

(Cut to Bus Stop. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman are waiting.)

Stan: So you guys aren't gonna spend New Year's Eve with us?!

Cartman: Look! Kenny and I are mature now! We can't spend New Year's Eve with a couple of kids! (to Kenny) Did you get your maxipads, Kenny?!

Kenny: {No, I went and got a tampon!}

Cartman: Tampon?! What's a tampon?!

Kenny: {It's a dildo! You stick it in your ass!}

Cartman: Ew! Doesn't that hurt?!

Kenny: {Yeah! Ow!}

(Kyle enters)

Kyle: YOU GUYS! I GOT MY PERIOD TOO!

Cartman: Wow! Cool!

Stan: You did?!

Kyle: Yeah! I was just hangin' out in my room and then I perioded all over the place!

Cartman: Alright! You have to be in me and Kenny's club then! My mom gave me this "Women who Run with the Wolves" book and I'm finding out all about our goddess powers!

Kyle: Awesome! We get powers?!

Cartman: Yeah! C'mon! We can set up everything in my clubhouse and get ready for New Year's Eve! (Kenny, Cartman, and Kyle leave. Stan looks depressed. Cartman comes back to where Stan is standing.) Hey! Don't feel bad, Stan! Some of us just mature a little later than others! (he leaves again with the others. Stan still looks depressed.)

(Cut to Stan's House. That night. Stan is sitting at his desk writing a letter.)

Stan: "Are you there, God?! It's me! Stan! If you wouldn't mind, I don't wanna be the only kid who doesn't get his period before the new year! Could you speed up my development a little?! Thanks, God! Your friend, Stan!" (he puts down his pencil and goes to bed.)

(Cut to Jesus' House. The same crowd is still outside. Inside, Jesus is writing a letter.)

Jesus: "Are you there, God?! It's me! Jesus! I feel like I got a real shot at a come-back, God! For whatever reason, people are starting to follow me again! I'm two-thousand years old, but I feel like I'm twenty-eight again! I think I'm going to win everybody back because I just made a few phone calls and I'm going to put on the most amazing New Year's specticle this world has ever seen!"

(Cut to Stan's House. The next morning. Stan's room.)

Stan's Terrence and Phillip Radio Alarm Clock: Fart! Oh, my God! You're smelly!

Radio Anouncer: Good morning, South Park! It's eight AM and only two more days until the new millenium! (Stan gets out of bed and goes to the bathroom. He pulls down his pants and looks.)

Stan: Dammit! Dammit, dammit, dammit! (Sharron enters.)

Sharron: Stanley, honey, what's the matter?!

Stan: I'm not bleeding out of my ass!

Sharron: Well, that's good, honey!

Stan: No, it's not! It's terrible! (goes back to his room and prays) Are you there, God! It's me! Stan! How come you didn't help me! I know you're really busy with things, but this is a matter of life and death! If I don't get my period, my friends won't let me hang out with them on New Year's Eve! Please! Please, give me my period soon!

(Cut to Jesus' House. The crowd is still waiting to see Jesus. Mr. Garrison checks his watch.)

Woman #1: Sigh!

(Jesus steps out.)

Jimbo: Here he comes!

Mr. Garrison: He's coming out!

Jesus: I've given it much thought, my children, and you were right! After reviewing the Bible, it does indeed say that something very big is going to happen at the millenium! (Everyone cheers) I have spoken to my father in heaven and he agreed that the millenium is significant to all of us, and ye who believe in me SHALL be rewarded! (Everyone cheers) So, what we're gonna do, tomorrow night New Year's Eve 1999, we just got Rod Stewart to agree to play a COME-BACK CONCERT AT THE RIO HOTEL CASINO IN LAS VEGAS, AND YOU'RE ALL GOING! (pause)

Man #7: We knew you could do it, Jesus! (Everyone cheers)

Mr. Garrison: I better book myself a flight to Vegas!

Father Maxi: (sings) For he is Saviour! For he is Lord!

Everyone: (sings) He give me hope when I have only been born! And he lifts me up with his gentle arms! (Jesus smiles.)

(Cut to Cartman's Clubhouse. Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are wearing headpieces, Cartman with flowers on his head.)

Cartman: Okay! Is everyone accounted for?! Goddess Wind!?

Kyle: Here!

Cartman: Goddess Moon!? (Pause) GODDESS MOON!!?

Kenny: {I'm here!}

Cartman: And I'm here, Goddess Earthly Delights! So this is the first meeting of our club for teens who have gotten their periods! We're s'posed to talk about our periods and boys! Let's talk about boys first! I think Craig is pretty cool, but I don't think Clyde is very cool!

Kyle: I think Clyde is kinda cool, but Craig is definitely cooler than Clyde!

Kenny: {Yeah! I agree! I think that Craig is cooler than Clyde, and Clyde is a dirty dumb fuck!}

Cartman: Okay! That settles that! Now let's talk about our periods! Kyle, you first!

Kyle: Oh! Uh! Um!

Cartman: What's the matter, Kyle!

Kyle: Nothing! Um! Ahem! My period is really...uh! (pause) Uh! My period is going swimmingly!

Cartman: Okay! That makes sense! Mine's going swimmingly too!

Kenny: {Mine too!}

Kyle: Whew!

(Cut to Chef's House. Stan knocks on the door. Chef answers.)

Chef: Oh! Hello, Stan!

Stan: Hey, Chef!

Chef: How's it goin'!

Stan: Bad!

Chef: Why bad?!

Stan: Can I come in?!

Chef: Well, sure! (The two go inside and sit on the couch) Now what's the matter, little cracker?!

Stan: Chef, I have this friend! See?! And this person's really bummed out because everyone else the same age has gotten their period and this person hasn't!

Chef: Oh! Your talkin' about your older sister Shelly!

Stan: No!

Chef: Your little girlfriend Wendy!

Stan: Look, it doesn't matter who it is! The point is that everyone else got their period and this person hasn't!

Chef: Look, Stan! Do you really know what a period is?!

Stan: Yeah! Cartman told us!

Chef: Stan, let me sing you a little song about the menstral cycle! I think it might clear things up for you!

Stan: Okay!

Chef: (sings) Ooo, baby! Yeah, baby! Ooo, baby! Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby! Now, baby! Ooo! Yeah! Yes, yes, baby! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Uh huh, baby! (music changes) Ack! Ack! Awwww no, baby! Eeeew, baby! No, no! Aw, no! I'm alright! I'm, I'm cool! It's okay! Uh, uh, watch out for the bedspread, baby! Look out, now! It's cool! I'll tell ya what! Uh, how 'bout, uuuuhm, why don't I call you next week! (end of song.) And that's my song about the menstral cycle! Stan, did that clear things up for you?!

Stan: So what you're saying is this person shouldn't be bummed because everybody has their period at a different time!

Chef: Is that what I said?!

Stan: But it's not fair! It's not fair that one day you're on top, you're the coolest kid in town, and then the next day you're at the bottom again because everyone has blood coming out of their ass but you, and if I can't menstruate then, by God, I'm gonna sit around and be the only periodless eight-year-old boy! I'm gonna do something about it! (leaves)

Chef: Whoa! I must've missed a whole little part there!

(Cut to Rod Stewart's Mansion. Rod Stewart's Agent is talking with Jesus.)

Agent: Can't tell you how excited Rod Stewart is about this millenium concert! He's gotten a little older, but you're gonna see how much he can still rock!

Jesus: H'oh! I'm excited too! I think it'll bring my father's children back to their faith and back to mine eyes, for I am the lamb of God!

Agent: Yeah! And, um, ya know Rod is a seasoned veteran, so I'm gonna have to ask for a bit more cash, but we can talk about that later! Here comes Rod now!

(Rod Stewart enters on his wheelchair being pushed by a Nurse. Rod always talks very weakly since he is now an elderly.)

Rod: Roe!

Jesus: (Single take to Rod) Hey! Rod! Great to see you! (Shakes hands with Rod)

Rod: Ow!

Jesus: Uh, the folks are sure glad you're playing! It's really given them a lot of faith in me again! I'm sure that together we can make this millenium party the best New Year's bash ever!

Rod: Poop pants!

Jesus: What?!

Rod: Poop pants!

Jesus: Poo pants?!

Rod: Poopinpants!

Jesus: Y-you pooped your pants?!

Rod: Pooped my pants!

Jesus: Oh! Uh, n-nurse! Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants!

Nurse: Again?! Now, Mr. Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?! (Takes Rod out. Jesus looks a bit uneasy.)

(Cut to South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch. Stan is talking with Dr. Mephesto.)

Mephesto: Yes! Pubrity is a very wonderful thing, Stan! It's what links us all together, makes us one!

Stan: But what happens if there's someone who never went through pubrity?!

Mephesto: Never went through pubrity?! Who never went through pubrity?!

Stan: Nobody! I mean, uh, well, m-my dad!

Mephesto: Your father never went through pubrity?!

Stan: No, and uh, that's why he sent me here, 'cause he's too embarrassed to come himself!

Mephesto: Well, I can't say that I blame him!

Stan: So do you know anything that can help him?!

Mephesto: Well, I should think the most logical solution would be Hormones!

Stan: Hormones?! (Mephesto hands him a bottle of Hormone Pills.)

Mephesto: Yes! Here! Tell you father to take just one of these pills every week! It could be just what he needs! And be sure to tell him that his secret is safe with me!

Stan: Thanks a lot, Dr. Mephesto! You're the best!

Mephesto: My pleasure! I just love helping people!

(Stan goes outside, opens the bottle of Hormone Pills, and almost take the whole bottle.)

(Cut to Cartman's Clubhouse. Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are still wearing their headpieces and doing club stuff.)

Cartman: Now for our first club activity! (takes out a little bowl of little paper ballots.) We're s'posed to reach into this little dish and pull out a word! We look at the word and think about what that word means to us! (Kyle picks a word from the dish.)

Kyle: Okay! (reads the word) Today's word is "Spirituality"! What that means to me is... (a noise is heard.)

Stan: (outside) Hey, assholes! (they all look outside and see Stan. pan outside.)

Cartman: Oh, look! It's that little boy who hasn't got his period yet!

Stan: Don't you worry about that! I've started taking Hormones!

Kyle: Hormones?!

Stan: (he has started growing whiskers) Yeah! They make you have your pubrity quicker, and I'm just here to tell you that my pubrity is gonna be bigger than any of you guys's!

Kyle: Dude, I don't think eight-year-olds are s'posed to take Hormones!

Cartman: Yeah! You shouldn't force your period, Stan! You should let it come like the morning dew!

Stan: (voice changing) So what're we gonna do for New Year's?!

Cartman: Well, we're going with our families to Las Vegas! I guess there'll be some younger kids there too if you wanna go!

Stan: Aaaaaaaah! I'm gonna go take some more Hormones! (leaves. pan back inside.)

Cartman: Now, the word is "Spirituality"! I believe that the goddess in me is more spirituality because...

Kenny: {Uuungh!}

Cartman: Quiet, Kenny! The goddess lives in all of us and has...

Kenny: {Oh, uuungh!}

Cartman: Goddammit, Kenny! Shut the hell up!

Kenny: {AAAAAAAAARG!} (falls down and explodes in a bloody mess.)

Kyle: Whoa, dude!

(Cut to Hospital. Kenny's folks are sitting in the waiting room and the doctor enters.)

Doctor: Mr. and Mrs. McKormic!

Stuart and Mrs. McKormic: Yes!

Doctor: I'm sorry! We couldn't save your son!

Mrs. McKormic: Oh, my God! My little Kenny's gone! I can't believe it!

Doctor: We just didn't get to him in time! There's nothing we could do!

Stuart McKormic: What happened?! What killed him, doctor?!

Doctor: Well, we found a tampon stuck up your child's ass! Apparently, he'd had it up there for several days! It plugged him up until he finally burst from the inside out like a ruptured septic tank!

Mrs. McKormic: Oh, my God!

Doctor: My worry is that he could've been following some kind of crazy new fad! Perhaps the children are all shoving tampons up their ass because they've seen the Backstreet Boys doing it on TV or something!

Mrs. McKormic: Eeeeek!

Doctor: We must get to the bottom of this, if you'll pardon the pun! But, actually right now, I've gotta catch a plane to Las Vegas to see the Rod Stewart millenium show!

Stuart McKormic: Rod Stewart's gonna be in Vegas?!

(Cut to Las Vegas. The crowd is there. Pan to News Broadcasting of Las Vegas.)

Craig Nezzo: Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas where tommorrow night, THE New Year's Eve event is going to happen! Jesus Christ, our lord and saviour, is presenting Rod Stewart, the undisputed king of pop, right here at this hotel behind me! It looks as thought Jesus really has come through! (Pan to Jesus' Room. Jesus is sitting on the bed watching the News Broadcasting.) Everyone is very excited because rumour has it that GOD himself is gonna show up to the event!

Jesus: What?!

Craig Nezzo: (Talks to a woman in the crowd) How 'bout you, ma'am?! Do you think God is gonna show up tommorrow night?!

Woman #2: Of course, he is! This is Jesus we're talking about! He wouldn't let us down!

Jesus: (turns off the TV) Oh, no! Are you there, God?! Father! Will you please reconsider and show up tomorrow?! (pause) Hello?!

(Cut to Stan's Room.)

Sharron: (outside of Stan's room.) Stanley, wake up, honey! It's time to leave for Las Vegas!

Stan: (get up. he has more whiskers. looks at himself to discover no period. Gets out of bed and looks in the mirror. Discovers that he has now developed breasts.) Whoa, dude! I've got boobs!

(Cut to Las Vegas. New Year's Eve 1999. There is a stage and a crowd. The crowd is cheering. Cartman and Kyle enter in the crowd.)

Cartman: Hey, Las Vegas is a pretty cool place for us mature people!

(Jesus takes the stage.)

Jesus: Alright, people! Are we ready to rock the millenium?! (The crowd cheers louder. Jesus goes backstage.) Father in heaven, please let tonight's show go well! Please make them like it! (Pan to the crowd where the kids are: Butters, Cartman, and Kyle.)

Kyle: Hey! Here comes Stan. (Stan enters.)

Stan: (Voice changed.) Have I missed anything?!

Cartman: Wow, Stan! You've really got some nice titties there!

Kyle: Did you get your period yet, Stan?!

Stan: No, I didn't, but...

Cartman: But don't worry! You'll get it someday! C'mon, Kyle! Let's go see what kind of tampons they have here in Las Vegas! (He and Kyle leave. Jesus takes the stage again.)

Jesus: Well, I tell you one thing! I, sure as heck, am excited! We've got about four hours to the new year and so I think it's time to START IT UP! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HERE HE IS! AS PROMISED, MR. ROD "DO YA THINK I'M SEXY" STEWART!

(Rod and the band take the stage. Rod is wheeled in by his Nurse. The band starts to play.)

Rod: Roe! Roe! Roeh! (Jesus is boppin' to the beat.) Eyehr! (Stan sits on the sidewalk by himself.) Ohbebe ohyeh!

Jimbo: (disappointed) Whoa! Man!

Rod: Oh! Uh, pooped 'em! (The Nurse attends to him.)

Mr. Garrison: This sucks balls!

Woman #3: Yeah!

Man #8: Alright! Enough of this! Bring out God!

Man #9: Yeah!

Jesus: Oh, no!

Everyone: WE WANT GOD! WE WANT GOD! WE WANT GOD! WE WANT GOD!

Jesus: Please, father! Do something!

Everyone: WE WANT GOD!

Jesus: Uh, folks! I'm afraid God can't make it tonight!

Randy: We came all the way to Las Vegas for this?!

Woman #4: This is the worst New Year's ever! Thanks a lot, Jesus!

Skeeter: Let's get'im! (Everyone starts to crowd and attack Jesus.)

(Cut to News Broadcast of Las Vegas.)

Craig Nezzo: Well, Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas and what is quickly becoming known as the gayest party ever! Everyone is so outraged that they are building a large cross in which to once again crucify our lord and saviour, Jesus Christ!

(Stan hops on stage and approaches Jesus.)

Stan: Jesus, why does God hate me?!

Jesus: Huh?! He doesn't hate YOU! He hates ME! He's gonna let me be crucified again!

Stan: He hates me more! He doesn't answer my prayers! I pray to him everyday and he never answered me!

Jesus: Well, yeah, but just because God doesn't answer your prayers doesn't mean he doesn't care about you!

Stan: Well then, why didn't he give me what I wanted?!

Jesus: Well, God can't just answer every prayer and suddenly give you everything you want! That takes all the living out of life!

Stan: Wha'd'you mean?!

Jesus: If God answered all our prayers, there'd be nothing left for us to do ourselves! Life is about problems and overcoming those problems, a-and growing and learning from obsticals! If God just fixed everything for us, then there'd be no point in our existance! That's why he wouldn't show up to my New Year's party!

Stan: I just want my period!

Jesus: I get it now, father! I had to learn all this on my own! I was overcome with my new popularity and, and I let pride get in the way of good judgement! (All of a sudden, a huge light decends from the heavens to the stage.)

Man #10: Whoa! What is that?!

Jesus: It's dad!

Father Maxi: God?! God is going to show himself?!

Woman #5: Look! I can see him!

Jesus: Father! You came!

God: (fully revealed.) Now, look upon me, my children, as you know me! Be not afraid! Blessed art thou, my children! (looks like a cross between a brown raccoon and a hippopotamus.)

Randy: That's God?!

Jesus: Yea! 'Tis my father the creator! He is the alpha, the omega, the beginning, and the end!

Mr. Garrison: Well, yeah, but THAT?!

God: What did you expect me to look like, my son?!

Mr. Garrison: Well, not like that!

God: Since it is the end of the first two-thousand years, I will allow you, my children, to ask me one question! (pause)

Gerald: One question?!

Mr. Mackey: Only one?!

Sharron: What should we ask him?!

Chef: We have to think carefully! We can ask him anything we want like "What's the meaning of life?" or "Why are we here?"!

Stan: I have it! I have the question! (To God) Now, you have to answer me once and for all! HOW COME I HAVEN'T GOTTEN MY PERIOD YET!

God: My child, you are a boy! Boys do not get periods! That's only for girls! Your friends were bleeding a little bit out of their asses because of an acute colon infection, and your friend Kyle simply lied about it!

Kyle: How'd he know that?!

God: You will get pubrity when the time is right, but you will never have a period because you are a man ... with titties! Thus speaketh the Lord! And now, I return to heaven! (turns back into the light and ascends back into heaven.)

Mr. Garrison: Hey, wait! That doesn't count as our question! Does it?!

God: (as the light) I will answer another on New Year's Eve in the year 4000! (leaves. All the people are dissappointed in not having a more practical question answered.)

Stan: (everyone is angry at him.) Did you hear that, everbody?! I'm not ever S'POSED to have my period! That's why God wasn't answering me before! (everyone gets angrier at him.) Boy! I'm sure glad everything worked out okay! I guess now we can all celebrate the New Year, huh! (Sings while people still look at him angrily.) Should all acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind! (Closing Credits) Should all acquaintance be forgot and auld lang sine! For auld lang sine, my dear! For auld lang sine!

Skeeter: Let's get'im! (The crowd all cheers and starts attacking Stan and beating him up, althoug we don't see it.)

Stan: We'll take a, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (there is cheers, crashes, and bangs as he is getting beat up by the crowd. End of Credits.)