Transcribed by Lee Estall ([email protected])

(Open to POX Network Ad)

Announcer: (Title: "POX PRESENTS") This Saturday, POX presents (Title: "THE MUSICAL EVENT OF THE MILLENNIUM") the musical event of the new millennium! You all remember playing the recorder in elementary school! Well this Saturday, in Oklahoma City, over four million third-grade students from all over the country will gather in one place and, at the same time, play "My Country 'Tis Of Thee" (Title: "MY COUNTRY 'TIS OF THEE") on their recorders! It's the largest third-grade recorder concert ever! Special guest conductor, Yoko Ono, and woodwind virtuoso, Kenny G, will lead this fantastic event! (Title: "THIS SATURDAY ON POX 11:00/10:00 C") This Saturday at eleven eastern, ten central! THE WORLD WILL BE WATCHING!

(Cut to School. Mr. Garrison's Class is practicing the song.)

Mr. Garrison: Okay, children! We still got some time to practice the song before we load up the bus and head out for Oklahoma!

Kids: Aaaw!

Mr. Garrison: Now, come on! There's gonna be over four million third-graders from all over the country there, and I wanna make sure that South Park is the best! Okay?! Recorders up! (All the kids put their recorders in their mouths.) And a one, and a two, and a... (the kids start playing. It sounds crappy.) "of Liberty,"! You're late! (they continue to play) "my fathers..."! What the hell was that?! (the kids stop playing.) Goddammit! I don't think you children have been working on your fingering!

Cartman: That's not true, Mr. Garrison! Kyle was working on his fingering with his mom all night long!

Kyle: Shut up, fatass! (Kenny is giggling hard behind him.)

Cartman: He, he! No, seriously! Kyle's mom says Kyle getting really good at fingering! He, he!

Kenny: {HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!} (falls off his desk and drops his recorder with laughter)

Mr. Garrison: Shut up, Eric! There's gonna be four million children playing this song at the same time on their recorders, and so help me God, South Park Elementary is not gonna be the only ones that don't know the song! Try again! Recorders up! (All the kids put their recorders back in their mouths.) And a one, and a two, and a... (the kids start playing. It sounds a little better but it still sounds crappy.)

(Mr. Mackey enters as Mr. Garrison is banging his head against his desk.)

Mr. Mackey: M'kay! That sounded great, kids!

Mr. Garrison: Sure, if you like the sound of a peacock getting its neck broken!

Mr. Mackey: M'kay! Kids, uh, we have some news! Uh, there's been terrible flood in Oklahoma, m'kay, so the four million recorder children's event is being moved to Arkansas!

Mr. Garrison: (gets a little freaked) Arkansas?!

Stan: What's a Arkansas?! Is that a state?!

Mr. Mackey: Uh, the trip shouldn't take any longer, but I'll hand out these updated contact sheets so that your parents will know where you are, m'kay! (hands out pieces of paper.)

Mr. Garrison: Mr. Mackey, can I talk to you for a second?!

Mr. Mackey: M'kay! (he and Mr. Garrison go towards a window with a chair.)

Mr. Garrison: Mr. Mackey, uh, I can't go to Arkansas! Somebody's gonna have to fill in for me!

Mr. Mackey: What?! We can't find anybody to fill in for you! Why can't you go to Arkansas?!

Mr. Garrison: Arkansas is where I grew up! My parents live there! My father still lives there!

Mr. Mackey: Well, don't you wanna see him?!

Mr. Garrison: I haven't seen my father for twenty-three years!

Mr. Mackey: Uh, perhaps you should sit down, Mr. Garrison, m'kay! (Mr. Garrison sits on the chair.) Mr. Garrison, I know this is very difficult, m'kay, but I must ask! Is there a history of sexual abuse in your family?!

Mr. Garrison: Some! Yes! There was my Uncle Richard! He ... he molested me!

Mr. Mackey: When was that?!

Mr. Garrison: Saturday! Last ... last Saturday! He's a parapolegic, but it didn't...

Mr. Mackey: M'kay, uh, and your father, he molested you when you were a boy?!

Mr. Garrison: (starts crying) Uh, aa, aa, aa, aa, aa, aa!

Mr. Mackey: Mr. Garrison, I think when we get to Arkansas, you need to see your father! You need to face this demon in your closet, m'kay!

Mr. Garrison: Don't look at me! I'll go on your bastard trip and just don't look at me! Uh, aa, aa, aa, aa! Uh, aa, aa, aa, aa! (runs out of the room. all the kids see him as he and Mr. Mackey were still in the classroom.)

Cartman: That is pretty cool!

Mr. Mackey: M'kay!

(Cut to the bus traveling to Arkansas. A sign says "YOU ARE NOW LEAVING COLORADO". Another sign says "YOU ARE NOW ENTERING KANSAS". Inside the bus.)

Cartman: Okay! How 'bout this one, Kenny?! (plays a note on his recorder.)

Kenny: {Uh, uh!}

Cartman: No?! How 'bout this?! (plays another note)

Kenny: {Nope!}

Cartman: Hmmm! Interesting! Let's see! How 'bout this! (plays another note)

Kyle: Cartman, what the hell are you doing?!

Cartman: We're trying to find the Brown Noise! It's this one pitch, this certain frequency, that makes people loose bowel control!

Stan: What's "loose bowel control"?

Cartman: That's the scientific term for crapping your pants!

Kyle: H'oh, brother! Here we go again! Cartman, there is not a sound frequency that makes people crap their pants!

Cartman: Yes there is! The French experimented with it in World War II!

Kyle: N'uh, uh!

Cartman: How 'bout this one, Kenny?! (plays another note.)

Kenny: {N'uh, uh!}

Kyle: There is no Brown Noise, fat boy!

Cartman: That's nice! When I find it, I'll just make you crap yourself so you look like Karen Carpenter!

Stan: Who's Karen Carpenter?!

Mr. Garrison: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (freaks as he sees a sign that says "ARKANSAS 410 MILES REST STOP 5 MILES") Oh! Ohhh! (breaths a few sighs of relief after the sign passes by. Mr. Mackey sits by him.)

Mr. Mackey: Mr. Garrison, are you alright?!

Mr. Garrison: (as Mr. Hat) Mr. Garrison isn't here right now!

Mr. Mackey: M'kay, Mr. Garrison, you're just having a hard time dealing with the memories of your father's sexual abuse, so you switch personalities to Mr. Hat! M'kay!?

Mr. Garrison: (as Mr. Hat) Oo! Good one, Sherlock! You figure that all by yourself?

Mr. Mackey: M'kay, I think the best thing for Mr. Garrison to do is to go see his father!

Mr. Garrison: (as Mr. Hat) NO! NO, YOU MORON! MR. GARRISON CAN'T LET THE MEMORIES IN! JUST LEAVE US ALONE!

Mr. Mackey: M'KAY, MR. HAT, YOU NEED TO LET ME TALK TO MR. GARRISON! M'kay!?

Mr. Garrison: (as Mr. Hat) WHY WOULD HE WANNA TALK TO A SECOND RATE, DOPEY ASSED, ELEMENTARY SCHOOL PSYCOLOGIST?!

Mr. Mackey: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Mr. Garrison: (as Mr. Hat) YOU HEARD ME, JACKASS! THERE'S MONKEYS THAT MAKE BETTER COUNCILORS THAN YOU!

Mr. Mackey: WHY, YOU SON OF A BITCH! (removes Mr. Hat from Mr. Garrison's hand and fights with him. Mr. Hat and Mr. Mackey knock each other around the back of the bus.)

Stan: Whoa! Mr. Mackey and Mr. Hat are fighting!

Mr. Mackey: (to Mr. Hat) I'M GONNA KICK YOU ASS! M'KAY!? (Continues fighting)

Kids: Yeaaaaah! (Start cheering as the fight goes on.)

Ms. Crabtree: BE QUIET BACK THERE!!!

Mr. Mackey: (strugles with grunts and anger to get back up an sit back down. gives Mr. Hat back to Mr. Garrison.) You may have won this time Mr. Hat!

(The bus continues to travel. A Sign says "Welcome to MISSOURI". Another sign finally says "Welcome to ARKANSAS! Yes! We are a state!".)

(Cut to Arkansas. All the kids from around the country are gathered. There are many school buses and many many students. Pan to South Park Bus. Mr. Mackey gets off first. The kids follow.)

Mr. Mackey: M'kay! I want everyone to stay together! M'kay?! Nobody move!

(A co-ordinator sneaks up on Mr. Mackey.)

Co-ordinator: School?!

Mr. Mackey: Excuse me?!

Co-ordinator: What school are you from?!

Mr. Mackey: Oh, uh, we're from South Park, Colorado!

Co-ordinator: Alright! South Park school, you go over there next to the kids from New York! (starts to leave) No, no! Don't put the Florida kids in the building! (leaves)

(Pan to where the New York kids are located. The South Park kids join them.)

New York Kid #1: Hey! Lookit the freakin' eskimos in their little hensingalovs!

New York Kid #2: Yeah! Ha, ha, ha!

New York Kids #1 & #2: Ha, ha, ha!

New York Kid #1: (looks at Kenny) Whoa! Lookit this kid's coat! Hey, kid, what'sa matter?! You a freakin' burn victim or something?! What?!

(All the New York Kids laugh.)

Kyle: Who the hell are these guys?!

New York Kid #1: I didn't know they was invitin' rednecks to this event!

Stan: We're not rednecks!

Kyle: Yeah! That's Texans, butthole!

New York Kid #1: Oh yeah?! Well, you look like a bunch of queefs to me! Huh! Yeah!

New York Kids: Yeah! (all laugh some more.)

Cartman: (whispers) Y'guys, what's a queef?!

Kyle: Kenny?!

Kenny: {I don't know!}

New York Kid #1: Oh, brother! You guys don't even know what a queef is?! Huh?!

Cartman: Of course we know what a queef is, you queef!

Black New York Kid: Oh yeah?! Well, what is it then?!

Cartman: Uuuh!

Stan: Why?! Don't you know?!

New York Kid #1: Are all rednecks queefs from Colorado as stupid as yous?!

Kyle: ALRIGHT, DICKHOLE!

Co-ordinator: (on PA. on stage) I need everyone's attention please! We will now all be moving in orderly fasion to our fine hotels! Please follow your group leaders to check in!

(South Park kids leave.)

New York Kid #1: We'll se ya later, queefs!

(Cut to Roman Holiday Inn. Scamps' Room. The kids have tons of books lying around throgh which they are looking.)

Kyle: Sigh! I can't find the word "queef" anywhere!

Stan: Well, keep looking! We gotta find out what it means before we see those New Yorker kids again!

Kyle: Well, let's try the dictionary! (get the dictionary and opens it.) Queasy! Quebec! Queen! Quelch! No queef!

Stan: Dammit!

Cartman: Hey! I found it, y'guys! I found it!

Stan: You did?!

Kyle: What's it mean?! What's it mean?!

Cartman: I told y'guys! Here it is, right here! The Brown Noise! (Points to it in a book.)

Kyle: Aaaaaaaw!

Stan: Dammit, Cartman!

Cartman: An ausilation of sound that causes the bowels to loosen! See?! That means crap your pants! The Brown Noise is believed to be ninety-two cents below the lowest octave of E flat! Wha'does that mean?

Stan: Who cares?! C'mon! We have to find out what "queef" means! Keep reading!

(Cut to the Garrisons' House. Mr. Garrison is out in the rain holding an umbrella. He is about to approach the door.)

Mr. Garrison: Sigh! I can do this! I have to do this! (rings the doorbell. Mr. Garrison's Dad answers.) Hello, dad!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: Oh hello, son!

Mr. Garrison: Can I come in?!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: Uh, sure! Of couse! (they both go inside.) Your mom's out at bridge night! You want a beer or something?!

Mr. Garrison: No! I don't think that will solve any of our problems, though you seemed to think it did!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: W'what?!

Mr. Garrison: I have a lot of demons that I need to face, father! I need to know some things!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: Well, okay! Like what?!

Mr. Garrison: Alright, alright! Let's just cut right to it! Sigh! I've come to ask you about the sexual abuse, dad!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: What?!

Mr. Garrison: I have to know why! Right here and now! We're gonna talk about this!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: What the hell are you talking about?! I never sexually abused you!

Mr. Garrison: I know! I wanna know why not!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: What?!

Mr. Garrison: Was it that I was ugly?!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: Oh, my God!

Mr. Garrison: I wasn't good enough for you! Was that it, dad?!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: Well, ... NO!

Mr. Garrison: Sure! You could go off and screw any whore on Ryland Street, but when it came to your own son, you were just too busy! (starts crying.) Aw, haw, haw, haw, haw! Aw, haw, haw, haw, haw! (His dad looks puzzled.)

(Cut to Arkansas. All the kids from around the country are seated on the grass looking at the stage. On stage.)

Co-ordinator: Alright, everyone! Quiet please! There are over four million of you, so we must have quiet! (the kids become quiet.) At this time, I would like to introduce the woman who is making this all possible, Yoko Ono!

(Yoko Ono enters on stage.)

Yoko Ono: Prease, puryaragesa euie baiaehto! Golbu moment ayenbayu isaiem taienko "My Country 'Tis of Thee"!

Co-ordinator: You heard her! We'll start the rehearsal in a few minutes!

(Pan to the part of the audience where the Scamps are.)

Stan: Those New Yorker kids are gonna be here any second! We still don't know what "queef" means!

Kyle: Well, we can still pretend like we know what it means!

Stan: No! They'll catch on! Hey! Wait a minute! I've got a great idea! Let's make up our own word! We can make up a word and then use it, and then, they'll act like they know it, and we'll bust'em!

Kyle: Yeah! That'll make 'em look stupid!

Stan: What word could we make up?!

Kyle: How 'bout "Finkleroy"?!

Stan: No, no! Not "Finkleroy"!

Cartman: How 'bout "Gebo" or, or "Mung"?!

Stan: Yeah! "Mung"!

Kyle: "Mung"'s good!

Stan: Sh! Here they come!

(The New York Kids enter.)

New York Kid #1: Well hello there, queefs! All bundled up nice and warm, are we?!

Stan: You know what you guys are?! You guys are nothing but mung!

New York Kid #1: Wha'di'ju call us?!

New York Kid #2: We're not mung! You're mung!

Kyle: Oh! So you know what "mung" means! Huh?!

New York Kid #1: Of course we know what "mung" means!

New York Kid #3: Yeah! 'Ju think we wouldn't know what "mung" means?!

Stan: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

(Stan, Kyle, and Cartman start laughing.)

Stan: We've busted you!

Kyle: Yeah! Yeah! "Mung" isn't even a word! We made it up!

(Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny laugh some more.)

New York Kid #1: You guys are even stupider than I thougt! "Mung" is SO a word!

(The four kids continue laughing and then stop.)

Stan: It is?!

New York Kids: Yeah, it is, huh!

New York Kid #1: Yeah! "Mung" is the stuff that comes out when ya push down on a pregnant woman's stomach!

Kyle: Eeeeeew!

Stan: Oh!

New York Kid #2: You guys didn't know that?!

(All the New York kids laugh tons.)

New York Kid #1: C'mon, guys! Let's get away from these rednecks before we get redneckacitis, or somethin'! (The New York kids leave.)

Stan: (to Cartman) You dumbass, Cartman!

Kyle: Yeah! Next time you make up a word, don't make up one that already exists!

(Cut to Garrisons' House. Mr. Garrison is talking with his Mom.)

Mr. Garrison's Mom: It's so nice to see you, son! I'm so proud that you're part of the four million child recorder blow!

Mr. Garrison: Yes! I hope it's okay if I stay here a few nights, mother! I-I have some things I really need to talk to you about!

Mr. Garrison's Mom: About what?!

Mr. Garrison: Sigh! Mother, did you know that dad never sexually molested me!

Mr. Garrison's Mom: That, that can't be!

Mr. Garrison: He never did, mom! Not once!

Mr. Garrison's Mom: That's not true! Your father loved you! Often!

Mr. Garrison: He never did, mom, and I think you knew he never did!

Mr. Garrison's Mom: No! No! If I knew, I would've made him do it!

Mr. Garrison: You stood by and let it happen! You saw him come home drunk and then just go right to sleep!

Mr. Garrison's Mom: I'm not listening!

Mr. Garrison: Face it, mother! He never abused me!

Mr. Garrison's Mom: Waaaaaaaa, hoo, hoo, hoooooo!

(Mr. Garrison's Dad enters.)

Mr. Garrison's Dad: Uh, what's goin' on?!

Mr. Garrison: Mother won't hear the truth!

Mr. Garrison's Mom: He says you didn't molest him as a child!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: I-I didn't! You knew I didn't!

Mr. Garrison's Mom: No! I didn't know! I'm not listening!

Mr. Garrison: You can't close your eyes forever, mother!

Mr. Garrison's Mom: Waaaaaaa, hoo, hooo! (runs out)

Mr. Garrison: (Chases after his Mom) Mother, wait! (runs out with her. Mr. Garrison's Dad still looks puzzled.)

(Cut to Arkansas. The four million kids are looking toward the stage. Kenny G, Yoko Ono, and the Co-ordinator are on stage.)

Yoko Ono: Alright! Penasameri plenahabikabapi! We must have participate inapi tonga for the performance tomorrow, please!

Co-ordinator: Okay, children! We need to pay closer attention to the sheet music! Remember, if you get lost, just follow along with Mr. Kenny G here!

Cartman: (in the audience) Hey! That's it, Kenny! Maybe Kenny G can show us where ninety-two cents below the lowest E flat is, then we'll know the Brown Noise!

Kenny: (in the audience) {Yeah!}

Yoko Ono: And a one, ga, seven, thousand! (All the four million kids start playing. This time, it sounds super crappy.) Oooooooooo! (covering her ears.) STOP! STOP IT! YAMEKIN YODEBA PIECE YOU GOT THERE! THAT WAS A TERRIBLE! THAT WAS HORRIBEE! WA'WE GONNA DO?!

(Pan to audience)

Kyle: What the hell is that lady talking about?!

Stan: I have no idea!

(Cut to Mr. Garrison's Dad's Gas Station. Mr. Garrison's Dad is hard at work. Mr. Mackey walks up.)

Mr. Mackey: Uh, Mr. Garrison Senior!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: Uh, that's me!

Mr. Mackey: Uh, my name is Mr. Mackey! I'm your school councilor! M'kay?!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: What can I do for you?!

Mr. Mackey: Uh, I wanna talk to you about your son! I'm his, uh, therapist! M'kay?!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: Oh, brother! Look! I didn't sexually abuse my son when he was younger!

Mr. Mackey: Uh, you didn't?!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: No! He's upset because I didn't molest him!

Mr. Mackey: Oh! Hm! Uh, I guess that's a little different!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: A LITTLE?! Yeah! He thinks if I don't molest him, it means I don't love him!

Mr. Mackey: Well now, uh, what's he s'posed to think, Mr. Garrison?! I mean, uh, look at all media, all the magazines ads, and television ads talking about sexual molestation! M'kay?! He sees all that and asumes that you didn't molest him because of some flaw in his looks or personality!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: I didn't do it because it's wrong!

Mr. Mackey: I know! I know, but I'm afraid this problem has run very deep through Mr. Garrison's mental state! I worried that if you don't do something, well, it could kill 'im!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: Hold on a second! Are you actually suggesting that I have sex with my fourty-one-year-old son?!

Mr. Mackey: There comes a time in every father's life when he must ask himself, "How far will I go to save my son's life?"! M'kay?!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: Well, I won't have sex with 'im!

Mr. Mackey: Well, I've said all I can say! I know it's difficult, but family is about compromises! M'kay?! Don't lose your son over this, Mr. Garrison! Dont-lose-your-son! M-kay?! (he leaves)

Mr. Garrison's Dad: Am I the only sane person left on earth?!

(Cut to Garrisons' House. Mr. Garrison's Dad is watching TV.)

Announcer: (on TV) Tomorrow, the world will be tuning in as over four million children play "My Country Tis of Thee" on their recorders! (Mr. Garrison heads upstairs, but stops midway.) It is by far the largest gathering of little plastic recorders in human history! Yoko Ono has...

Mr. Garrison: Well, mom said I could sleep in the guest room tonight! G'night, dad!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: Good night!

Announcer: (on TV. after listening to something that Yoko Ono has said.) Words to live by!

Mr. Garrison: Guess I'll just go on up to bed now!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: Uh, huh!

Mr. Garrison: Don't, uh, really have any pajamas! Guess I'll just sleep in my boxers or something!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: Should be fine!

Mr. Garrison: Uh, I'll leave the door open a little in case you need to see me 'bout anything!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: Won't be necessary!

Mr. Garrison: I'll just be goin' up to bed now! (pause) Guess, guess maybe I won't even wear those boxers!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: I'm not going to molest you!

Mr. Garrison: YOU DON'T LOVE ME! Wa, aa, aa, aa, aa! I WANNA DIE! (runs upstairs to his room.)

Mr. Garrison's Dad: Goddammit! (gets up from his chair.)

(Cut to the Scamps' Hotel Room. Kyle and Stan are sittin on their bed.)

Stan: I wish we could find a way to get back at those New Yorker Kids!

Kyle: Yeah! They think they're so cool!

(Cartman and Kenny burst in! Cartman is carrying some headphones. Three sets: One for himself, and the other two for Kyle and Stan. Cartman is already wearing his set.)

Cartman: Y'guys! Y'guys! We found it! We found it, y'guys!

Kyle: Calm down, Cartman!

Stan: You found what?!

Cartman: The Brown Noise! Kenny and me found the Brown Noise! Here! Look! Look! Look!(give Stan and Kyle their sets of headphones which they put on.) Okay! Let's see! Okay?! Okay! Okay! Ready, Kenny?!

Kenny: {Ready!} (Cartman takes out his recorder and plays the Brown Noise. Kenny craps his pants!) {Ow! Ow! Oh, no! I just crapped my pants!}

Stan: No way! (removes his set)

Kyle: I don't believe it! (removes his set)

Cartman: (removes his set) I'm seriously, y'guys! C'mon! Watch!

(they all leave. Cut to the outside of the Inn where a Mail Deliverer is loading his Mail Truck. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle enter and stay out of sight. All three kids are wearing their headphone sets.)

Cartman: Okay! (takes out his recorder and plays the Brown Noise.)

Mail Deliverer: (Craps his pants) Whoa! Oh, my God! Aw! I crapped my pants! (runs off)

Kyle: That's amazing!

Cartman: I told y'guys!

Stan: Dude! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?!

Cartman: That they should bring back Chicago Hope for another season?! Totally!

Stan: No! That we could use the Brown Noise to get back at those asshole New Yorker Kids!

Cartman: Ooh!

Kyle: Yeah, dude!

Cartman: They should bring back another season of Chicago Hope though, seriously!

(Cut to Bar. Mr. Garrison's Dad is sitting at the bar having a beer. Some fellow drunks approach him.)

Drunk #1: Hey, what's the matter there, Garrison?! You look kinda sad!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: I'm having some troubles at home!

Drunk #1: Well, c'mon! Tell us about it! We always help each other out! Don't we, fellas?!

Drunk #2: Yeah!

Drunk #3: Yeah! That's right!

Drunk #1: Yeah!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: Alright! It's just that, I mean, we're all family men here! Right?!

Drunk #2: Sure!

Drunk #3: Sure are!

Drunk #4: I am! I know that!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: Well, can I ask you guys a difficult question?!

Drunk #1: D'absoulutly!

Drunk #2: Of course!

Drunks: Tell us out, Garrison!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: Alright! Would you have sex with your son to save his life?!

(Pause)

Drunk #2: Oh! This is one of them Scruples questions! Ain't it!?

Drunk #1: No, no! I got a better one! Would you have sex with your mother to save your father's life?!

Drunks #2 & #3: Oooh!

Druns: Yeah!

Drunk #2: Oh! Like if someone had a gun to your father's head and said "Have sex with your mother or else I'll shoot 'im!"?!

Drunk #1: Yeah!

Drunk #2: Oo! That's a tough one!

Drunk #3: Hmmm!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: No, no, wait! Uh, you don't understand!

Drunk #4: How 'bout if someone made you have sex with your mother and father to save your own life?!

Drunks: No! No! No way!

Drunk #5: But if it was to save my mother's life, I think I would have to have sex with my father!

Drunk #6: Yep!

Drunk #7: Me too!

Drunk #8: Well, I think that goes without saying!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: Well actually, I'm just talking about a son!

Drunk #7: Well personally, I would have sex with my son to save my mother's life! It depends on how big a gun are we talking here?!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: Uh, he doesn't have a gun!

Drunk #4: The father doesn't have a gun?!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: NO! NOBODY'S GOT A GUN!

Drunk #3: I think if someone said "Have sex with your mother or else I'm gonna kill your son!" but he didn't have a gun, I wouldn't do it!

Drunk #2: He could have a knife though!

Drunk #1: Yeah!

Drunk #2: Right!

Drunk #1: Sure! Right!

Bartender: If a killer put a knife to my throat and said "Have sex with your father or else I'm gonna kill your while havin' sex with you!", I would have sex with myself!

Drunks #1 & #2 & #3: Yeah! I would! That makes sense! What're you talking about?!

(Mr. Garrison's Dad leaves.)

(Cut to the Scamps' Hotel room. The kids have a copy of the sheet music.)

Stan: How do we write the note, Cartman?!

Cartman: Left E flat! Let's see! I think it looks like this!

Stan: Alright! Now, all we do is wipe out the last note on their sheet music and change it to the tone Cartman played! (erases the last note on the sheet music and replaces it with a note that represents the Brown Noise.) C'mon! (they walk out of the room and post it on the room marked "New York".)

Kyle: There! (Posts a little yellow post-it note on the sheet music saying "REVISED MUSIC FOR TOMORROW")

Stan: That should do it!

Cartman: Sweet! I can't wait to see 'em crap their pants in front of everybody, y'guys!

Stan: Okay! Let's get back to the room!

(the three kids go back to their room. The Co-ordinator sees the sheet music on the New York Kids' room.)

Co-ordinator: What's this?! (she takes the sheet music) Revised music for tomorrow?! Chip! Did you get revised music for tomorrow?!

Chip: (Unseen) What?!

Co-ordinator: Ms. Ono has made revisions again! We've got to get these copied four million times and make the revisions to the projected music! C'mon! Hurry!

(Cut to Garrisons' House. Mr. Garrison is sleeping in the guest room which looks something like a little boy's bedroom.)

Mr. Garrison: (hears a noise and wakes up. hears footsteps.) Dad?! (the door opens. There is a silouette which seems to be shaped like his dad.) Oh! I'm just fast asleep not hearing anything! (the silouette approaches him. pan outside as we can still hear him.) Ah! Woah! Woah, dad! Oh, goodness gracious! Don't stop, dad! Stop! Wow! Oh, how could you?!

(Cut to Garrisons' House. The next morning. Mr. Garrison has packed his bags and is about to leave.)

Mr. Garrison: Well, mom, dad, I guess I better be going! The concert's going to start soon!

Mr. Garrison's Mom: Are you sure you can't stay one more night, son?!

Mr. Garrison: No! I think all my work here is done! Dad, I don't know what to say! I feel closer to you than I ever have!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: Well, I just hope that now we can put the past behind us and, and try to be a normal family again!

Mr. Garrison: We sure can! Well, I've got a worldwide telecast recorder concert to get to!

Mr. Garrison's Mom: We'll be watching on TV! Make us proud, son!

Mr. Garrison: I will! Goodbye, mom! (hugs his mom) Goodbye, dad! (hugs his dad. sings) Grey skys are gonna clear up! Put on a happy face! (leaves)

Mr. Garrison's Mom: You did the right thing, papa!

Mr. Garrison's Dad: I didn't do squat! (Opens a door and lets Kenny G out. Offers him money.) Here you go! A hundred bucks!

Kenny G: (excited from the night of passion he had last night with Mr. Garrison) Oh! That's okay! Keep your money! Thanks! (leaves)

(Cut to TV Broadcasting of the Recorder Concert. Title: "POX PRESENTS". Title: "THE MUSICAL EVENT OF THE MILLENNIUM".)

Announcer: Live from Oklahoma City, four million third-grade students from all over the country playing "My Country 'Tis of Thee" on their recorders! (Title: "MY COUNTRY 'TIS OF THEE".)

(Cut to Arkansas. The four million kids are ready to play the song. Yoko Ono and Kenny G are on stage.)

Stan: Dude, I can't wait 'til those New Yorker kids play the Brown Noise and crap their pants!

Kyle: We have to watch them! We can't miss it!

Kenny G: Are we all ready to play?! Thanks! Okay, let's see the music! (The sheet music is displayed in front of the whole bunch of four million kids.)

Kyle: This is gonna be sweet!

Stan: (looks at the displayed sheet music) Oh, no, dude! Look! It's the music WE changed! (the kids look at the sheet music to notice that it contains, at the end, the note they replaced to represent the Brown Noise.)

Cartman: Uh, oh!

Kyle: Dude! I four million people play the Brown Noise at the same time,...

Yoko Ono: One, two, sie, pizza!

(The four million kids start playing the song on their recorders, to the lead of Kenny G. It sounds better.)

Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny: NO! (They burst through people and try to head for the stage to stop the song before it's too late.)

Stan: Stop! Stop! (still running.)

Mr. Mackey: (notices the running kids) Uh, aren't those our boys?!

Mr. Garrison: Oh, no! What are they doing?!

Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny: NOOOOO! (still running toward the stage. But, it's too late! Over four million kids play the Brown Noise! Everyone starts crapping their pants: Yoko Ono, Kenny G, everyone in Little Rock, including the four million kids and our four heros, also including the New York Kids, all of Arkansas, all over the States, in China, France, and all over the world, people crap their pants! Then we see TV fuzz.)

(After the fuzz, Cut to New York City. The town is ruined because of this recent disaster. A news reporter is giving a story.)

News Reporter #1: Tom, I'm standing in New York City, but it could just as well be any town on earth right now. The desolation, the dammage is exactly the same in every city the whole world over! It's been just under twenty hours since everyone on earth pooped their pants, and people still roam their damaged homes with disbelief and loss! Rick?!

(Cut to Arkansas. Everything is messy with shit. Another news reporter gives his story.)

News Reporter #2: Alan, I'm standing at ground zero! Here, the damage is greater than anywhere! Like the rest of the world, everyone here has crapped their pants! (we see Kenny as he lies dead from crapping his pants too much. the rats eat at him.) Some crapped themselves to death, and still, others ruined perfectly good pairs of pants! A nation mourns and tries to rebuild, but the big question that remains is, "How did this happen?"! (Stan, Kyle, and Cartman walk by, whistling.)

Kenny G: Well, I'd say other than making everyone in the world crap their pants, our event went over really well!

Yoko Ono: (disappointed) Really well?! Really well?! You gonna be wickedy I tell you again! Look at some of the averaging over the gaidis o'er the really well!

(Pan to the South Park bus.)

Mr. Mackey: Alright! C'mon everybody! We've got a long bus ride back to Colorado! M'kay?!

(the kids get on the bus. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman approach the bus.)

Kyle: Well, that whole experience sure did suck!

Stan: Yeah, but you know, I learned something today! We were so worried about how cool we looked to those New Yorker kids that we forgot, we're already totally cool, even if we don't know what "queef" means!

Mr. Mackey: A "queef" is a vaginal explosion of gas! M'kay!

Kyle: Huh?!

(The New York kids approach.)

New York Kid #1: Here they are!

New York Kid #2: Yeah!

Stan: Oh, brother! Let's just get out of here!

New York Kid #1: Hey! Not so fast! We know it was you guys that changed the music and made everyone on earth crap their pants!

Stan: Uuuh!

New York Kid #2: Yeah! We knows all about it!

Kyle: Oh, no!

New York Kid #1: Yeah! Me and the guys, well, we was talkin'! And well, well we just want you to know that we think you're pretty cool!

Kyle: Huh?!

Stan: You do?!

New York Kid #1: Sure! I mean, everybody on earth shit themselves 'cause of you, and that's pretty cool! I mean, that's pretty amazing!

New York Kid #2: Yeah! We was wrong about you guys! We're sorry!

Cartman: Well, that's fine! That's fine! Next time, just remember that we're all pretty cool on the west side too, if ya know what I'm saying!

New York Kid #1: Yeah! See you guys later! (New York kids leave.)

Mr. Garrison: C'mon, boys! You're holdin' up the bus! (Kenny G approaches.) Oh, wow! Look! It's Kenny G himself! Thank you for a wonderful concert Mr. G!

Kenny G: (laughs) G'goodbye! (Kisses Mr. Garrison and leaves.)

Mr. Garrison: Oh, well thank you! You know it's funny! You kiss just like my dad! (boards the bus will all the kids and Mr. Mackey.) Well, Ms. Crabtree, this certainly has been a great trip! Let's head home!

Ms. Crabtree: Which way should we go?!

Mr. Garrison: Second star to the right and straight on 'til morning!

(The bus leaves and a star twinkles behind them.)

(Closing Credits.)