Transcribed by Lee Estall ([email protected])
(Open to School Playground. Kids are playing. Butters is at the bottom of a hill holding a flag. There are three sleds on top of the hill about to race, four to each sled. Kenny, Stan, Kyle and Cartman occupy one of the sleds.)
Butters: (up-hill-wards) Okay! You guys ready up there?!
Guys: Ready!
Butters: On your marks! Get set! Eh'go! (waves the flag. the three sleds slide down the short hill. The sled holding our four heros wins.)
Stan: We win again!
Tokken: (A black kid) That's not fair! Cartman's ass is so fat, he makes your sled go faster!
Cartman: Hey! Don't call me fat, Tokken!
(All the girls of South Park Elementary, wanting to sled, approach the sledding boys. A hooded girl, whom we will call Karen, speaks for the rest of the girls.)
Karen: We want to use the sleds now, butt-pirates!
Stan: Sleds are for guys!
Cartman: Yeah! Why don't you chicks go wash some dishes or get pregnant or somethin'?!
Karen: These are the school's sleds, ass-farmers! Not yours!
Stan: Look! Girls don't even know how to sled! Do something else!
Guys: Yeah!
Karen: I bet we can sled ten times better than you, donut-punchers!
Kyle: Oh, yeah?!
Girls: Yeah!
Cartman: We'd kick your girly asses sledding!
Karen: How 'bout a race down a REAL hill then!
Girls: Yeah!
Stan: You got it!
Guys: Yeah!
Karen: Your best four sledders against our best four sledders!
Stan: No problem!
Karen: Then we'll see you this Saturday on Phil Collins Hill!
Kyle: Phil Collins Hill on Saturday! You got it!
Karen: See you there and may the best woman win, turd-burglars! (the girls leave.)
Stan: Oh, boy! We'll show them!
Butters: Yeah! W'why, us men will show those skanky 'ho's who's who!
Clyde: Yeah! Those girls don't realize what good sledders Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are!
Tokken: Yeah, and with Cartman's enormously fat ass, the boys are sure to win!
Cartman: Tokken, I swear to God! (picks up a rock and faces away from Tokken.) You call me fat one more time, I'm gonna smack you in the head with this rock!
Kyle: (Unseen by Cartman) Fatass!
Cartman: THERE! (turns around and throws the rock at Tokken.)
Tokken: OW! (He falls to the ground and is hurt bad. There is a small pause.)
Cartman: Heh! (small pause) Huh! (small pause) Uh, oh!
(Cut to Mr. Mackey's Office. Cartman and a badly injured Tokken are sitting in small chairs while Mr. Mackey is lecturing them. Mrs. Cartman is also present.)
Mr. Mackey: ...And what you need to understand is that this in not appropriate behaviour, young man! M'kay?!
Mrs. Cartman: Eric! Don't you realize you could've seriously injured your little friend?!
Cartman: (sarcastically) I'm sorry, Mom!
Mrs. Cartman: Don't appologize to us! Appologize to him!
Cartman: (sarcastically) I'm sorry, Tokken!
Mr. Mackey: Well, I hope you learned that throwing rocks at people is bad, Eric!
Cartman: (dramatically) I sure did, Mr. Mackey! I mean, I feel really bad! What was I thinking?! The only thing I can do now is try to go on and live day by day! See you later! (starts to leave.)
Mr. Mackey: Not this time, Eric! You've got to learn to respect your little friends! You're gonna have detention for two weeks!
Cartman: No way!
Mr. Mackey: Yes way! M'kay?! And that settles it! Now let's all go...!
(Two FBI Agents enter, Agent Sharp and Agent Keane.)
Agent Sharp: Counselor Mackey!
Mr. Mackey: Yes!
Agent Sharp: I'm Agent Sharp and this is Agent Keane! We're with the FBI!
Agent Keane: We're here to investigate the rock-throwing incident!
Mr. Mackey: (pauses and speaks) M'uh'm'kay! I, I've already taken care of it! Eric Cartman here is gonna be punished with two weeks of detention!
Agent Sharp: I'm afraid it's a bit more complicated than that, mister school counselor! You see, since the victem in this case is african-american, this is considered A HATE CRIME!
Cartman: What the hell is a hate crime?!
Mr. Mackey: Uh, oh, but I don't think this is a...!
Agent Keane: New laws have been passed that make any crime based on race, ethnicity, or sexual orientation a federal offence!
Cartman: What?! A federal offence?!
Mr. Mackey: Oh, no!
Cartman: Oh, no?!
Agent Keane: We're sorry, Miss Cartman, but we must follow protocol! (picks up Cartman) Your son will be taken into custody and then tried in the federal court of law! (the two FBI Agents leave with Cartman in their custody.)
Mrs. Cartman: Oh, my goodness!
(Cut to TV Programming on TRIAL TV.)
TV Announcer: The hate crime trial of the century is under way, and CourtTV takes you there! Live! Here's your host, leslie smith!
Leslie Smith: What turns a normal fat, little, eight-year-old boy into a vicious hate crime committing racist?! We take you live to the court room as the defendant takes the stand!
(Cut to Court. Cartman has taken the stand. The people's Lawyer questions him.)
Prosecution Lawyer: Mr. Cartman, do you know a boy by the name of Tokken?!
Cartman: Uh, yes!
Prosecution Lawyer: Who is Tokken?!
Cartman: He's a black kid that goes to my school!
Prosecution Lawyer: BLACK! DID YOU SAY BLACK?! YOU CALLED HIM BLACK?!
Cartman: He IS black!
Prosecution Lawyer: OH! HE SAID IT AGAIN!
Everyone: Huh!
Prosecution Lawyer: HE IS AFRICAN-AMERICAN, AND SO, YOU DECIDED TO PICK HIM OUT!
Cartman: I did?!
Prosecution Lawyer: THE RAGE BUILT AND BUILT INSIDE YOUR HEAD UNTIL IT BECAME TOO MUCH, BECAUSE YOU HATE AFRICAN-AMERICANS!
Cartman: NO! I HATE HIPPIES!
Prosecution Lawyer: What?!
Cartman: I HATE HIPPIES, WHEN THEY'RE ALWAYS TALKIN' 'BOUT PROTECTING US AND THEY'RE DRIVIN' 'ROUND ON THESE CARS THAT GET POOR GAS MILAGE AND WEAR THOSE STUPID BRACES! I HATE 'EM! I WANNA KICK 'EM IN THE NUTS!
Mrs. Cartman: Ooh! Poopie-kins!
Prosecution Lawyer: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this is why we have hate crime laws! This "monster" committed a crime, not against an individual, but against a race! Do the democratic thing and send his fat little butt to prison!
Cartman: HEY! DON'T CALL ME FAT, ASSHOLE!
Prosecution Lawyer: The prosecution rests!
(Stan and Kyle are in the audience. Karen and some other girls approach them.)
Karen: Don't forget! We still have a sledding race this Saturday, pillow-biters! (the girls leave.)
Stan and Kyle: We know!
Stan: Dude, this is horrible! We gotta get Cartman out of court so we can go practice!
(Cut to Court. Later. the Judge makes his verdict.)
Judge: Eric Cartman, you have been found guilty of committing a hate crime! For this, I hereby sentence you to the Alamosa Juvenile Hall until you turn twenty-one!
Cartman: NO!
Judge: I am making an example of you, to send a message out to people everywhere! That if you want to hurt another human being, you better make damned sure they're the same colour as you are! (Pause) Court is adjourned! (hits his gravol.)
Girls: Yoo hoo! Hooray!
Judge: (two Bailifs enter, a Black Bailif and a White Bailif.) Bailifs, escort this little bastard to juvenile hall!
Black Bailif: Yes, sir!
White Bailif: (towards the chair where Cartman's supposed to sit.) Alright, you! (However, Cartman is not there.) Uh, where'd he go?! (The defendant's chair is empty.)
(Cut to Kenny's house. Cartman walks up to the door and knocks. Kenny answers.)
Cartman: Kenny! Kenny, you have to get me out of town!
Kenny: {What the fuck for?!}
Cartman: They're gonna put me in jail for a hate crime! You have to take me to Mexico!
Kenny: {MEXICO!? I AIN'T FUCKIN' TAKIN' YOU TO MEXICO!} (Cartman slaps him) {OW!}
Cartman: CALM DOWN, KENNY!
Kenny: {Hey!}
Cartman: You still have that battery-powered go-cart you got last christmas?!
Kenny: {Yeah!}
Cartman: Well, come on! I don't have much time!
(The two of them go into the garage. the garage door opens and out strolls the go-cart at approximately one or two miles per hour.)
(Cut to News Flash. The side-graphic reads "HIGH SPEED CHASE".)
News Announcer: A car chase is evolving on the 285 corridor east of South Park! Hate Crime suspect Eric Cartman is trying to outrun federal prosecutors in his friend's Go-Go Action Bronco! Our eye-in-the-sky, Greg Nimmins, is there live! Greg!
(The TV shows the street on where Cartman and Kenny are driving, very slowly, and a number of police cars are chasing them, just as slowly.)
Greg Nimmins: Tom, it looks like the Go-Go Action Bronco is heading east on 285! Police officers are right behind him, and as with any chase, they're keeping a safe distance to avoid any accidents here out on the highway! (Cartman and Kenny's Go-cart turns off on an exit.) Tom, it looks like the fugitive is going to make a bold move off an exit off 285! He's going into a residential neighbourhood! Now, this is where it could get dangerous as there are pedestrians about!
(Cut to the Residential Neighbourhood through which Cartman and Kenny are driving.)
Cartman: Dammit, Kenny! Can't this thing go any faster?!
Kenny: {I'm going fast as I can!}
(Cut to TV broadcasting. It shows a police road-block at the end of the same Residential neighbourhood.)
Greg Nimmins: Tom, the police have set a road-block right where the Go-Go Action Bronco is heading! This could be the final stand-off!
Police Officer #1: (in a megaphone. to Cartman and Kenny, approaching.) Alright! That's far enough! Stop Go-Go Action Bronco and come out with your hands up! (the Go-cart keeps going) Just bring it to stop and come on out! (the Go-cart keeps going. Lowers his megaphone.) JESUS! HE'S GONNA RAM IT! (all the Police Officers panic, duck, and hide as the Go-cart comes, very slowly, toward the blockade of police cars. The Go-cart slowly wedges it way through the police car blockade with success)
Police Officer #2: Crazy son of a bitch!
(Cut to Stan's House. Stan and Kyle are watching the chase on the news. The TV shows the one to two mile per hour chase.)
Greg Nimmins: (on TV) Well, it's been over thriteen hours now, and still the car chase has not ended!
Kyle: What the hell are they doing?!
Greg Nimmins: (on TV) The chase is now moved through most of Arizona and nears the Mexican border!
Stan: Dude, if Kenny takes Cartman to Mexico, how're we ever gonna win the sledding race on Saturday?!
Kyle: Don't worry, dude! That little truck just runs on D batteries! It's gonna run out of juice soon!
(Cut to Arizona, near the Mexico Border. The chase is still going on.)
Cartman: We're gonna make it, Kenny! We're gonna make it to Mexico! (the Go-cart, having run out of battery-power, stops.) AW! GOD DAMMIT! (Suddenly, all the police cars stop causing an accident similar to the one seen in the movie THE BLUES BROTHERS. The cars all pile up on top and beside each other.)
(Cut to Stan's House. Stan and Kyle are still watchin. The phone rings. Stan picks it up.)
Stan: Hello!
Karen: (on phone) Just a friendly reminder! Cartman's going to jail and you've got four days until the race, rump-rangers! (hangs up)
Stan: (puts down the phone.) Son of a bitch!
(Cut to Juvenile Hall. Outside. Cartman is being taken to prison in a police van.)
Police Officer #3: (in van. to Cartman.) Here we are! The end of the road! Alamosa Maximum Security Juvenile Hall!
(The doors open. The are guards, a guard dog, and prisoners. Cartman looks in and sees the other prisoners, body builders, basketball players, Tic-Tac-Throw players, tetherball players, and a sign that says "Gruffy Bear sez, Try to escape and well shoot you where you stand.". Cartman sees bullies, a homosexual, and little baby prisoners playing with alphabet blocks.)
(Cut to Juvenile Hall. Later. Inside. Cartman is wearing his prisoner's suit and the guard escorts him into the Hall.)
Guard #1: Prisoner 24601 ariving! Forward, prisoner! You will wake up each morning at 0500! Locked down as until 0900! At ten, we begin random searches and checks for contrabag! At 11:30, we have nap time, followed by finger-painting! Your cell mate is Romper Stomper!
(All other prisoners are stunned. The breath deeply whispering "Romper Stomper?!" a couple times.)
Cartman: Who, who's Romper Stomper?!
Romper Stomper: (approaches) I am! (he is a prisoner with cups on his feet with strings he holds in his hands, kind of like stilts, probably called Romper Stompers, looks like a fun toy.) And I don't want no new cell mate!
Guard #1: You don't have a choice, Stomper! Now, show this new prisoner the ropes!
Romper Stomper: Oh, I will! You bet your ass I will!
(Cut to Phil Collins Hill. Elevation 9436 Feet. It's a hill with the face of Phil Collins. The boys are at the top planning and practicing for the big race on Saturday.)
Stan: Alright, guys! It looks like Cartman's not gonna be able to sled with us for about another (check his watch) thirteen years! So, in the meantime, we need someone to race with us against the girls on Saturday!
Kyle: Yeah! Cartman's weight was what gave us speed! So, we need to find the next fattest kid besides Cartman!
(Pause as boys look amongst each other.)
Stan: C'mon! Who's the second fattest kid in South Park?!
Butters: Uh, I think Clyde is the next fattest kid!
Clyde: Huh?!
Kyle: Yeah! Okay, get over here, Clyde!
Clyde: I'm not fat!
Stan: Deal with it, dude! Cartman's gone, so now you're the fat kid!
Kyle: Yeah, fattass! Get your fat butt on the sled!
Clyde: (gets on the sled with Kenny, Kyle, and Stan.) Hey, I'm not fat, you guys! I'm just kind of big boned!
Stan: D'yah! That's what they all say! Okay! Ready?! Go! (the four kids sled down the hill. The rest of the guys are cheering. Pan to the sled going downhill.)
Kyle: Ah! Yay, dude! (soon they stop in the middle of the hill.) We don't even have enough weight to move!
(Another sled approaches, the girls' sled, with Karen.)
Karen: See you Saturday, poo-stabbers! (the girls sled right by.)
Stan: (to Clyde) Nice going, fat boy!
(Cut to Juvenile Hall. The gang of prisoners crowd around Cartman. Romper Stomper speaks for the rest of the prisoners.)
Romper Stomper: Well, well, well! New fish! How 'bout you come up with a reason why we DON'T break your arms?!
Prisoners: Yeah!
Cartman: Uh, 'cause I'm just like you guys! Uh, I'm one of you!
Romper Stomper: Oh, yeah?! The way I see it, there is two kinds of kids in the world! Kids who like Animaniacs and kids who don't like Animaniacs! You're either with us or you're against us! So, which are you?!
Cartman: Oh, uh! Well, personally, I, uh! I (pause) don't like Animaniacs?! (pause)
Romper Stomper: Neither do we!
Cartman: Oh, thank you Jesus! So we're friends now?!
Romper Stomper: No! There's no friends in the big house! You come in with nobody and you leave with nobody! We don't believe in friends!
Prisoners: Yeah!
Cartman: Yeah! Neither do I! Friends suck!
Romper Stomper: Now, go find me some cigarettes and I'll tell you how to bust out of here!
(Cut to Phil Collins Hill. The boys are making another plan. They've tied a pile of bricks onto the sled and dressed it in boy's clothes as Cartman's second replacement.)
Stan: Okay! We've figured it out! To add more weight to the sled, we're gonna use these bricks! But we're gonna cover 'em with kid's clothes so that the girls think it's another kid!
Pip: Oh! That's a wonderful idea!
Clyde: So I don't get to be on the team now?!
Guys: SHUT UP, FATTASS!
Kyle: Yeah! Why don't you go eat some more pork rinds or something, you fat fuck?!
Stan: C'mon! Let's give it a try!
(Kenny, Kyle, and Stan board the sled with the pile of bricks, and they're off.)
Stan, Kyle, and Kenny: Whoopie!
Stan: Yea...oh! (suddenly, the sled goes out of control as it is spinning around on its way down the hill. The four boys are panicing.) Dude, bail! Bail! (Stan and Kyle jump off of the sled leaving Kenny still on.)
Kenny: {Huh?! Uh!} (Suddenly, the sled hits a rock and sends Kenny and the pile of bricks flying.) {AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! OOF!} (hits a tree. The pile of brick lands in the same place crushing Kenny to his death.)
Stan: Oh, my God! We killed Kenny!
Kyle: We killed Kenny?!
Stan: We killed Kenny! We're bastards!
(Stan and Kyle walk towards Kenny's body.)
Kyle: Well, that didn't work! What else can we try?!
Stan: Nothing else is gonna work! (all the rest of the guys join Stan and Kyle.) We have to face the fact that without Cartman, we're gonna lose to a bunch of girls!
Butters: Whoa, I sure do hate to...to see my gender, uh, lose to a bunch of women!
Pip: This is a sad day for men everywhere!
Stan: You know something, guys?! I think we all took Cartman's ass for granted!
Guys: Yep!
Kyle: If only we had realized how special our time with his gigantic ass was!
Butters: Uh, all that time, we didn't understand what a unique and magical ass it was!
(The girls enter on their sled after their run.)
Karen: Woo hoo! Great time, girls! (Sees Kenny's body) Oh, gee! Looks like you lost another sledder! Good luck on Saturday, dumb-bell-punchers! (the girls leave.)
Stan: That does it! We've got no other choice! We've got to bust Cartman outta jail!
Guys: Huh?!
Kyle: How?!
Stan: I saw a movie once where they baked a cake and put a nail file inside of it!
Kyle: Sweet! Let's go!
(All the guys leave, cheering.)
(Cut to Juvenile Hall. Visiting Hall. Sign says "Visiting Hours 10:00 to 2:00. In Window #1, Prisoner #1 is talking with his mom.)
Prisoner #1's Mom: And have you been brushing your teeth?!
Prisoner #1: Yes, Mommy!
Prisoner #1's Mom: And not dropping your soap?!
Prisoner #1: Yes, Mommy!
(In Window #2, Prisoner #2 is talking with his mom.)
Prisoner #2: Hi, Mom!
Prisoner #2's Mom: Young man, that is the fourth time you've been late for our visiting time! You are grounded!
Prisoner #2: Grounded?! Oh, no! (Mumbles a bit)
(Cartman is in Window #3. A Guard leads Kyle and Stan to the window.)
Guard #2: Here y'go, boys! Keep it short!
Cartman: Hey, guys!
Kyle: Hey, fattass! How's prison?!
Cartman: Well, it suck balls! Wha'd'you think?!
Stan: Cartman, why the hell did you have to commit a hate crime?! We're gonna lose to girls because of you!
Kyle: Yeah, so you gotta bust outta here! So we made you this cake! (shows the cake to Cartman which reads "Get Out Soon Cartman".) There's an ailnay ilefay inside of it!
Cartman: A what?!
Kyle: An ailnay ilefay!
Cartman: What's that?!
Kyle: Listen, aggot-fay! An ailnay ilefay so you can eakbray out of ison-pray!
Stan: Yeah, you stupid umbass-day!
Cartman: I'd love to eat a cake, y'guys, but they don't let us take anything back to the cells from here!
Kyle: They on't-day?! Why the ellhay otnay?! It ooktay ourfay ours-hay to ake-bay this oddam-gay ake-kay, and owthray awaynay the ums-cray!
Stan: Yeah!
Cartman: Look! That's not important right now! Did you guys bring the cigarettes?!
Kyle: Well, we got some cigarettes, but we don't think you should be smoking! Each year, over a million people die of...
Cartman: JUST HAND OVER THE GODDAM CIGARETTES!
Stan: Shh!
Cartman: Look! If you guys want me back to win the sledding race, then I need those cigarettes!
Stan: How're we s'posed to give them to you?!
Cartman: Just pass'em through these little drill holes here! (indicates the speaking holes on the window.) That's what everybody does!
Stan: But they're gonna search you on the way back to your cell!
Cartman: I know! That's why I have to hide them up my ass! (Stan an Kyle laugh out loud.) SHUT UP, Y'GUYS! IT'S NOT FUNNY!
Stan: Alright! Here! (gets out the cigarettes and passes them to Cartman through the little holes. Cartman makes quiet grunting noises as he shoves the cigarettes up his ass.) Wow! I really wish I hadn't sat here and watched that!
Kyle: Me too!
Cartman: Okay, guys! If you'll excuse me, I must be going now!
Kyle: Don't fart on your way out! You might make little smoke signals! (he and Stan laugh hard.)
Cartman: (sarcastically) Ha, ha! Very funny, y'guys! Ha, ha! (leaves)
(Pan outside. Stan and Kyle leave the building, with the cake.)
Stan: That sucks, we couldn't give him the nail file! (removes the nail file from the cake.)
Kyle: So now wha'do we do?!
Stan: There's only one thing we can do! We have to go see Tokken and see if he'll forgive Cartman for hate criming him! C'mon! We're running out of time! (he and Kyle leave.)
(Pan into Cartman and Romper Stomper's Cell. Romper Stomper is reading a book as Cartman enters.)
Romper Stomper: Well, did you get the cigarettes?!
Cartman: Yes! They are safely concealed in the depths of my ass!
Romper Stomper: Alright! Go sit on the toilet and poop'em out! I'll keep an eye out for the guards!
Cartman: (Goes over to the toilet and sits down. We don't see him.) Eh! Get out, you stupid cigarettes! Eh! EH! YEH! AAH! Yaagh! (plop) That's one! AAAH! HEYAAH! Eh! HEYAAH! Eh! (plop) Two! UNG! ENG-HAAH! C'mon! Eh! C'mon, now! C'mon, now! EEEE-YUH! (plop) Oh! Whew! (toilet flushes.) AW! GODDAMMIT! (he comes back.)
Romper Stomper: You flushed them?!
Cartman: Well, you spend eight years takin' a crap and then flushin' the toilet! It sorta becomes a reflex! Please, just help me bust outta here!
Romper Stomper: No way, douch! I told you! I ain't your friend! If you want me to help you, you're gonna have to sneak something else in for me!
Cartman: Son of a BITCH!
(Cut to Tokken's House. Stan and Kyle enter.)
Kyle: Dude, I didn't know Tokken lived so far away!
Stan: Yeah! You know! They bus in people from different races to our school to promote cultural diversity!
Kyle: Yeah, but isn't Tokken the only one?!
Stan: Yeah! (He and Kyle approach the door. Kyle rings the doorbell. Tokken's Mom answers.)
Tokken's Mom: Hello!
Stan: Hi! Can Tokken come out and play?!
Tokken's Mom: Well, his head's still a little sore, but you can come in if you like!
Kyle: Killer! (Stan and Kyle go inside. Pan inside.)
Stan: Tokken, you don't wanna see us guys lose to girls tomorrow! Do you?!
Tokken: No!
Kyle: Well then, you've gotta call the jail right now and tell them that you forgive Cartman for being a dumbass!
Stan: Yeah!
Tokken's Dad: I'm afraid it's not that simple, boys!
Stan: It's not?!
Tokken's Dad: No! You see, the only person that can let Eric out of Juvenile Hall is the Governor!
Kyle: DAMMIT! SONOFABITCH DAMMIT! Oh! Sorry!
Tokken's Dad: No! I actually agree with you!
Kyle: Huh?!
Tokken's Dad: Yeah! I have a real problem with hate crime legislation! In fact, I'd love to see you kids go down and give the Governor a piece of my mind!
Stan: Well, why don't you tell the Governor yourself?!
Tokken's Dad: Oh, he wouldn't listen to me!
Kyle: Why not?!
Tokken's Dad: Because I'm black!
Stan and Kyle: Oh!
Tokken's Dad: Sit down, boys! I'm gonna give you a little lesson about hate crime laws. (Stan, Kyle, Tokken, and his Dad go into another room.)
(Cut to Juvenile Hall. Cartman's Cell. Romper Stomper is still reading his book and Cartman is on the toilet, unseen.)
Cartmen: HEH-UHHH! Eh! HEEEEY! Eh! YyyyyyEEEEH! Eh! AAAAEH! Eh! YAAAAAAAAAH! (Plop) Oh! Thank God! Oh! Thank you Jesus! Eh! Oh! (Walks into view toward Romper Stomper with a Tic-Tac-Throw game which Cartman had just pooped out.) Here y'go, Goddammit!
Romper Stomper: Cool! My very own Tic-Tac-Throw game! (picks it up) Ew! It smells, man!
Cartman: Well, what the hell do you expect, huh?! Now I got your stupid game! Tell me how to break outta here!
Romper Stomper: You're not gonna break outta here! You're here till you're twenty-one, douch!
Cartman: But you said...!
Romper Stomper: I just wanted you to sneak stuff in for me! What?! You actually think I give a crap about you?!
Cartman: I thought that...!
Romper Stomper: Man! You better wise-up to the way things work in the big house! (goes to the bar-door.) HEY, GUYS! I GOTS ME A NEW TIC-TAC-THROW! (Cartman starts crying) YEAH! IT'S A LITTLE RIPE, BUT IT'S BRAND NEW, MAN! WE CAN PLAY IT AT RECESS! (turns toward Cartman who is still crying.) Hey! W'what're you doing?! (Cartman is crying harder.) You...you can't cry in prison, man! We'll bust yer head open! What's the matter with you?!
Cartman: Sniff, sniff, sniff! I want my mom! (continues crying)
Romper Stomper: Dude!
Cartman: Sob, sob, sob, sob! Mommy! I want my mommy! (continues crying)
Romper Stomper: Look! If it's that important to you, I'll bust you outta here!
Cartman: Sniff, sniff! You will?!
Romper Stomper: Yeah! Yeah, I will! B'but not because you're my friend! Only because...because I wanna bust out too, a'and see Disneyland!
(Cut to Colarado Government Building. The Governor is sitting in his office. His secretary peeks through his door.)
Secretary: Governor, the "Free Eric Cartman Now" committee is here to see you!
Governor: N'Oh! Not another committee! Send them in! (Secretary exits. Tokken, Stan, and Kyle enter with a flipboard and a tape player.) This is the "Free Eric Cartman Now" committee?!
Tokken: Yeah!
Governor: Well, boys, what can I do for you?!
Stan: (to Kyle) Okay! Go ahead and start!
Kyle: I don't start! You start!
Stan: Oh, yeah! (to Governor) Hm'm'm! Hello, Mister Governor and thank you for taking the time to hear our presentation on hate crime laws entitled (flips the first page which reads the following.) "Hate Crime Laws. A Savage Hypocracy."! (Kyle starts the tape.) Yes, over the past few years, our great country has been developing new hate crime laws!
Tokken: (the next page shows somebody killing another person.) If somebody kills somebody, it's a crime! But if somebody kills somebody of a different colour, it's a hate crime!
Kyle: And we think that that is (turns back to the title page.) a savage hypocracy, because all crimes are hate crimes! If a man beats another man because that man was sleeping with his wife, is that not a hate crime?!
Stan: (turns to a page revealing a person putting graphitie on a government building.) If a person vandalizes a government building, is it not because of his hate for the government?!
Tokken: (turns to a page revealing someone driving a car over someone else.) The motivation for a crime shouldn't affect the sentancing!
Stan: (turns to a page will people in groups of five colours and a question mark in the middle.) Mayor, it is time to stop splitting people into groups! All hate crime laws do is support the ideas that blacks are different from whites, that homosexuals need to be treated differently from not-homos, that we aren't the same!
Kyle: (turns to a page with people of different colours all in a line holding hands.) But instead, we should all be treated the same, with the same laws, and the same punishments for the same crime! (Stan turns the page to a complete Hate Crime Proposal.) For in that way, Cartman can be freed from prison and we (turns to a page revealing four boys winning a sled race) will have a chance to win the sledding race on Thursday!
Stan: That is our presentation, an idea that we call...!
Tokken: (turns back to the title page) Hate Crime Laws! A Savage Hypocracy!
Governor: Hm! That made the most sence of any presentation I've heard in the last three years!
(Cut to the Outskirts of Juvenile Hall. Cartman and Romper Stomper have gotten out of prison and are fleeing. Alarms are sounding and search-lights are sounding)
Romper Stomper: Hurry up! They're sending the dogs after us! (trips on a rock and falls.) Ow!
Cartman: What's the matter?!
Romper Stomper: It's my leg! I think it's broken! (hears the dogs) You go on ahead without me!
Cartman: Okay! (starts to leave)
Romper Stomper: Hey! (Cartman stops) You're s'posed to say "I'm not going without you!" or something!
Cartman: Oh! Really?!
Romper Stomper: Look, kid! You go on! You've got something to live for out there! You've got friends!
Cartman: Yeah! I never really realized that until just now!
Romper Stomper: I sure would've liked to have seen Disneyland! Here! (give Cartman his Romper Stompers.) I want you to have these!
Cartman: Okay! (takes the Romper Stompers.)
Romper Stomper: No! You're s'posed to say "I can't take these!" or somethin', dumbass!
Cartman: Oh! I can't take these!
Romper Stomper: Take them! They'll bring you luck! Now go on! Get outta here!
Cartman: (starts to leave and comes back) Romper!
Romper Stomper: Yeah!
Cartman: You...well...I know you don't think you've ever been anybody's friend, but, well, you're a friend to me!
(The guards and dogs arive.)
Guard #3: Alright! Freeze!
Cartman: You'll never take us alive! We're going down together, pigs!
Guard #3: But you've been pardonned by the Governor! (gives Cartman his release-papers)
Cartman: (takes the papers) Who-o-oh! Sweet! Later, dudes! (leaves)
(Cut to Phil Collins Hill. The big sled race. Racers are at the top of the hill while everyone else is at the bottom cheering on the racers, girls separated from the boys. Racing for the girls are Karen, Bebe, and two other girls. Racing for the boys are Stan, Kyle, Tokken, and Cartman who is not there yet.)
Karen: Well, c'mon! Are we racing or not?!
Stan: Just wait! We got Cartman pardonned! He'll be here any second!
Kyle: He's gotta show up! He's just got to!
Karen: Come on! My feet are getting cold, fudge-peckers!
Bebe: Yeah! If you're too scared to race, just say so!
Kyle: Dude, I guess we just gotta try without 'im!
Stan: Alright! Where's Clyde?!
Clyde: (Approaches) Right here!
Stan: Get on the sled, you fat piece of shit!
Clyde: For the last time, I'm not fat, so stop calling me fat GODDAMMIT! (feels shocked since he's starting to sound like Cartman more and more. Covers his mouth with both hands.)
Kyle: On the sled, fattass!
Karen: Okay, girls! Time to show the boys what we can do!
Girl Sledders: Yeah!
(Butters comes in with two flags.)
Butters: Uh, Okay! R'ready! Set!
Cartman: (from off) YOU GUYS! (Runs toward them.) Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh! (arrives)
Stan: It's Cartman!
Guy Sledders: Hooray!
Cartman: That's right! I'm back!
Clyde: (goes over to Cartman and hugs him.) Oh, thank you! Thank you for coming back! Sob, sob! Thank you so much! Thank you!
Cartman: What the hell's wrong with Clyde?!
Karen: This is your last chance! Are we racing or not?!
Stan: Alright! Let's do this!
Butters: Okay! Everybody ready?! On your marks!
Cartman: I hope I can adapt to life outside of the big house!
Butters: Uh, get set! GO! (Waves his flags. The girls take off, but the boys are still stable as Cartman hasn't gotten on the boys' sled.)
Cartman: I've been on the inside for so long! I don't remember how to live on the outside!
Kyle: Go, fattass!
Cartman: When a man is stripped of his freedom, degraded in the ways that I was, it's...!
Guy Sledders: GO, FATTASS! (Cartman finally pushes off, gets on the sled, and the boys are off, while the girls still have their head start.)
Stan: Come on! We gotta catch up to them!
Karen: We got'em, girls!
Kyle: Oh, no! The girls are gonna win!
(The crowds at the bottom are cheering and rooting for their team according to their gender.)
Stan: We're not gonna make it!
Cartman: (gets an idea.) Aha! (takes out Romper Stomper's Romper Stompers and throws them at the girls' sled, thus forcing the girls's sled off course and over a high cliff.)
Karen: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Girl Sledders: WAAAAAAAAAAAA! (as they all fall over the cliff. Crash. The four girls land in snowbanks while their sled is broken in two. A big Bear comes along.)
Bear: Rar! (carries Karen away.)
(Pan back to the boys' sled as it crosses the finish line to claim victory.)
Guy Sledders: HOORAY!
(The sled comes to a stop.)
Stan: We did it!
Girls: Aaaaaaaw! (They all leave except for one which held the sign reading "GIRLS RULE".)
Kyle: WE WON! WE WON!
Butters: Yeah! Why we sure gave those skanky bitches what for!
Guys: YAAAY!
Kyle: It's good to have you back, Cartman!
Stan: Yeah! We're never gonna take your ass for granted ever again!
Cartman: Yeah, and I'm never gonna take my friends for granted ever again!
Pip: Let's all hear it for Cartman's big fat ass! (Cartman picks up a rock and throws it square at Pip.) Oh! (he falls down.)
Cartman: Do British people count as an ethnicity for hate crimes?!
Guys: Naw!
Cartman: Sweet!
(Cut to Juvenile Hall. Romper Stomper's cell. Romper Stomper is reading his book as he is greeted.)
Guard #4: Hey! Romper Stomper! Get up! You got a visitor! (lets Cartman in.)
Romper Stomper: Eric!
Cartman: Hey, Romper Stomper!
Romper Stomper: Wow! I've never had a visitor before!
Cartman: Well, that's not all! I snuck something in for you too!
Romper Stomper: You did?!
Cartman: (Checks outside to ensure that everything's clear.) You know how you told me you always wanted to see Disneyland?!
Romper Stomper: Yeah!
Cartman: (goes over to the unseen toilet and sits.) EH! Yeh! YEAH! (splash.) There's the Pirates of the Caribean!
Romper Stomper: Whoa!
Cartman: (closing credits.) Eh, WHOA! Here comes the Space Mountain now! EAAH! OAAAH! (splash)
Romper Stomper: Oh, yeah!
Cartman: Eh! AAAAAY! (splash) Ay! Small World! Eh! (splash) Splash Mountain now comes now! Eh! Eh! Heeh! HEEH! YEEEAAAH! (splash)
Romper Stomper: Oh! The Monorail!
(The End.)