Transcribed by Lee Estall ([email protected])

(Open to Classroom. All the students are getting ready for class.)

Stan: Dude, did you do all your homework last night?!

Kyle: Yeah, but there was so much of it! I was up until two in the morning!

Stan: I know!

Mr. Garrison: Okay, children! I hope y'all did your homework last night, because we're gonna talk about pages 42 through 612! First of all, who can tell me what year the founding fathers got together?! Let's see! How about...

Cartman: (whispering) Please, don't call on me! Please, Jesus! Don't let'im call on me!

Mr. Garrison: Wendy!

Cartman: Whew!

Wendy: 1776!

Mr. Garrison: Good job, Wendy! And what was that document called?!

Cartman: (whispering) Oh, please, God! Don't let'im call on me! Father in heaven, I beg of you!

Mr. Garrison: Kyle!

Cartman: OH, THANK YOU, LORD! PRAISE JESUS!

Kyle: The Declaration of Independence?!

Mr. Garrison: Very good, Kyle! Now, who can tell me what famous person wrote the Declaration of Independence?! (Cartman ducks) Let's see! Oh, I know! How 'bout the new student! Timmy! (Cartman sits back up. Pan to Timmy, a mentally handicapped boy in an electric wheelchair.)

Timmy: TIMMAH!

Mr. Garrison: No! It wasn't you, Timmy! Try again!

Timmy: HEYAAAAAAAH!

Mr. Garrison: Timmy, did you not do your homework?!

Timmy: Eh, TIMMAH!

Stan: Uh, Mr. Garrison! Haven't you figured it out?! Timmy's retarded!

Mr. Garrison: DON'T CALL PEOPLE NAMES, STANLEY!

Stan: But he IS!

Mr. Garrison: Now, Timmy! You need to work on your study skills!

Timmy: D'uuuuuuuuh!

Mr. Garrison: ARE YOU MOCKING ME?! BECAUSE IF YOU ARE, I HAVE NO PROBLEM SENDING YOUR BUTT TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE!

Timmy: (pretending to play a guitar) Gow-libelow-libelow! Timmah!

Mr. Garrison: THAT DOES IT!

(Cut to Principal's Office. Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey are speaking with Timmy.)

Principal Victoria: Well, Timmy, I just don't know what to do with you! You're getting very poor marks in school and the teachers are complaining that you aren't paying attention!

Timmy: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Mackey: Uh, young man! If you don't wanna be held back a grade, I suggest you start co-operating! M'kay!?

Timmy: TIMMAH!

Principal Victoria: Well, that does it! I'm suspending you, Timmy, until you can learn to respect your elders! (about to fill out a document of suspention.)

Timmy: Deeeaaah!

Mr. Mackey: Uh, hold on just a second there, Principal Victoria! I think I may know what the problem is! (examines Timmy)

Timmy: (whispers) Timmy!

Mr. Mackey: Yes! Of course!

Principal Victoria: What?!

Mr. Mackey: I think maybe Timmy is suffering from something called Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD! It's very common in kids his age!

Principal Victoria: Oh!

Timmy: TIMMAH! (starts running around on his wheelchair.)

Principal Victoria: Well, that certainly would explain it!

Mr. Mackey: It should be easy enough to find out! They have tests for that kind of thing now! M'kay!?

Timmy: (still driving around on his wheelchair, pretending to play a guitar) R'row-Libelow! Timmah!

(Cut to a Clinic. A Clinic Doctor is examining Timmy while Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria are present.)

Clinic Doctor: Alright! This is a very simple test which should determine without a doubt whether or not Timmy has Attention Deficit Disorder!

Principal Victoria: Good!

Mr. Mackey: M'kay!

Timmy: Timmah!

Clinic Doctor: (holds a book in his hand.) Now, Timmy, I'm gonna read you a book called The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald! At the end of the novel, I'll ask you a few questions! Are you ready?!

Timmy: TimMAH!

Clinic Doctor: Okay! Here we go! M'm! (Opens the book.) "In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since." "Since!" "SINCE!"! (the clock starts at 2:02, moves to 3:25, 5:55, and then 9:10 as the hours pass.) "So we beat on, boats against the current born back ceaselessly into the past."! (Closes the book. Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria are asleep.)

Timmy: Ha'a'a'a!

Clinic Doctor: Okay now, Timmy! Can you tell me, in chapter seven, what kind of car did Gatsby drive?!

Timmy: TIMMY!

Clinic Doctor: WELL, THAT SETTLES IT!

Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria: Huh?!

Clinic Doctor: THIS YOUNG MAN DEFINITELY HAS ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER!

Mr. Mackey: Oh! (removes his glasses and rubs his eyes.) Oh, I, I knew it! (puts his glasses back on.)

Principal Victoria: What can we do for him, Doctor?!

Clinic Doctor: Well, ADD is fairly common in kids today! I'm gonna perscribe some Ritalin, and we'll see how that goes for little Timmy!

Timmy: (whispers) Timmy!

(Cut to Classroom. The next morning.)

Mr. Garrison: Hurry up, children! Let's take our seats. (Timmy enters with a note attached to his forehead.) You better've done your homework last night, Timmy! What's this?! (takes the note.)

Timmy: Tim-mah!

Mr. Garrison: A note from the principal?! "Please excuse Timmy from all questions and all homework as he has been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder."! Oh, brother!

Stan: He doesn't have to do homework?!

Mr. Garrison: That's just swell, Timmy! Looks like you've outsmarted the principal and the counselor!

Timmy: Timmeh!

Mr. Garrison: Very well! I guess you're excused from homework!

Kyle: Hey, wait! I think maybe I have Attention Defunction Disorder!

Cartman: Yeah! Me too!

Stan: I've got ADD!

Kenny: {Me too!}

Everyone: Yeah! I got it too!

Craig: It's gay!

(Cut to Clinic.)

Clinic Doctor: (Reading "A Farewell to Arms".) "After a while, I went out and left the hospital and walked back to the hotel in the rain."! (breaths a sigh and closes the book.) There! (All the kids from South Park Elementary, whom he is diagnosing, are half asleep while Kenny is banging his head against the wall.) Alright now! In chapter twelve, what kind of bottles did Miss Van Kempen talk about?! (Pause) Anybody?! (Pause) Anybody?! (Short Pause) My God! These children all have ADD!

Everyone: (faintly) Hooray!

Cartman: (faintly) Hoo-ray!

Clinic Doctor: It's Ritalin for all of you!

(Cut to Skyler's House. Skyler's rock band is practicing in the garage. They call themselves "Lords of the UnderWorld".)

Jonsey: (on drums) Dude! We suck!

Skyler: (on guitar) Hey! That's not the right attitude, Jonsey! The battle of the bands is tomorrow night!

Jonsey: Dude! We never win the battle of the bands! It's no big deal!

Skyler: Not a big deal!? This year's winner gets to open for Phil Collins at Lalapalubaza, and that's no big deal!?

Maltsey: (on bass. always sounds timid.) Hey you guys! You better stop fighting!

Skyler: We just gotta practice more!

Jonsey: Dude, we've been practicing for eight years, Skyler!

Skyler: Hey! Am I the leader of this band or not?! Now let's do it from the top! (the band practices some more, and during some musical pauses, they hear the voice of Timmy.)

Timmy: (from outside) TIMMAH! (more music) TIMMAHTIMMAH! (music continues and stops)

Jonsey: What was that?!

Skyler: I don't know, man! (presses the garage door remote to open the garage door. The door opens to reveal Timmy surrounded by bright sunlight. The band players cover their eyes.) Whoooaaaaah!

Maltsey: Who is that?!

Timmy: Timmeh!

Skyler: R'you a singer, man?!

Timmy: R'rearala Timmah!

(Cut to Skyler's Garage. Later. Timmy is practicing with the band as a singer. Timmy has just joined the band. The band is currently rehearsing.)

Timmy: TIMMAH! (more music and a pause) Timmeh!

Jonsey: Dude! That's hot!

Skyler: Yeah!

(Cut to Pharmacy. All the families of South Park are lined up to get some Ritalin.)

Pharmacist: (gives some Ritalin to Mrs. McKormic.) There's your perscription, Miss McKormic! A hundred dollars worth of Ritalin!

Mrs. McKormic: Then he won't have Attention Deficit Disorder anymore?!

Pharmacist: We can only hope so! Next! (Pan to the middle of the line where Shiela Broflovski and Sharron Marsh are standing with their kids.)

Sharron: Oh, hi, Shiela!

Shiela: Sharron! Your son has Attention Deficit Disorder too?!

Sharron: Yes! I should've known! It all makes sence now! I could never get Stanley to pay attention when his grandfather told him stories about the thirties!

Shiela: I know what you mean! Kyle gets so hyper! Sometimes he runs around and screams like a little eight-year-old!

Kyle: I am eight! (pan to the counter.)

Pharmacist: Next please! (Mrs. Cartman approaches.) Wha'do we have here?! Ah! Ritalin!

Mrs. Cartman: Yes!

Cartman: That's right! I got a bad case of ADD! No homework for me!

Mrs. Cartman: Mr. Pharmacist, this Ritalin doesn't have any side effects, does it?!

Pharmacist: Oh, no, no, no! Your son may experience a small lack of energy, but that's all!

Mrs. Cartman: Alright!

Pharmacist: Oh! And he might start seeing little pink Christina Aguilera monsters, but that's to be expected!

Mrs. Cartman: Oh, my!

(Cut to the South Park Battle of the Bands. That night. The first band is up.)

Singer: (singing) Would you like me laughin' at fields of light! Laughing at fields of light! (the band finishes.)

Everyone: Boooooooooo!

Teen Boy #1: You suck!

Everyone: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Announcer: (takes the mic.) Alright! That was "Sisters Of Mercy Hold No Pain Against The Dark Lord", with their song, "Silk Blood on the Footsteps of My Mind - Revisited"!

Singer: We got the best response! We'll be opening for Phil Collins for sure! (he and his band leave.)

Announcer: And now, it's time for our final band!

Teen Boy #2: Thank God!

Everyone: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Announcer: Give it up for "Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld"! (leaves. Skyler, Jonsey, and Maltsey take the stage with their instruments. Timmy slowly rolls on stage.)

Skyler: ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR! (The band starts playing.)

Timmy: Timmeeh! (more music) Timmeh! Yiya! (Audience Cheers) Timmah-TIMMAH!

Teen Boy #3: Du'u'ude! That handicapped dude r'rules!

Teen Boy #4: Y'y'y'yeah!

Teen Boy #5: You guys are terrible! How can you laugh at that poor kid?!

Timmy: TIMMAH! TIMMAAAAH! TIMMAH! TIMMAH! TIMMAH!

Skyler, Jonsey, and Maltsey: (sing) AND THE LORDS OF THE UNDERWORLD!

Timmy: TIMMAH! TIMMAH!

Skyler, Jonsey, and Maltsey: (sing) DOOR PISS FILLS MY HEART WITH PAIN!

Timmy: TIMMAH! TIMMAHTIMMAHTIMMAH!

(Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are also watching the concert as Timmy sings with the band.)

Stan: Dude! It's Timmy!

Kyle: No way!

Timmy: TIMMAHTIMMAHTIMMAHTIMMAHTIMMAH!

Man: They're ridiculing that singer! C'mon! Let's get outta here! (leaves with his group)

Timmy: TIMMAHTIMMAH! TIMMAHTIMMAH! TIMMAH! TIMMAH! TIMMAH! TIMMAH!

Skyler, Jonsey, and Maltsey: (sing) AND THE LORDS OF THE UNDERWORLD!

Timmy: TIMMAH! TIMMAHTIMMAHTIMMAH! TIMMAH!

Skyler, Jonsey, and Maltsey: (sing) DOOR PISS FILLS MY HEART WITH PAIN!

Timmy: TIMMAAAAH! TIMMAHTIMMAHTIMMAHTIMMAHTIMMAH! TIMMAHTIMMAHTIMMAHTIMMAHTIMMAH! (the band finishes as the crowds cheer.) TIMMAH!

Cartman: That was aweso'he'me!

Stan: Yeah! Timmy rh'rules!

Woman: BOYS! YOU SHOULDN'T LAUGH AT HIM! HE'S HANDICAPPED!

Stan: But, he's funny!

Woman: How would you like to be handicapped?! Do you think that would be funny?! You're making him feel bad!

Kyle: He looks pretty happy to me!

Timmy: (smiling.) Ehhhhhhhhhh! (as the four kids look at him on stage.)

Woman: Oh! You people make me sick! (leaves.)

Announcer: (takes the mic) Dude, this is a no-brainer! This year Battle of the Bands winner and the band that gets to open Phil Collins at Lalapalaulau is...Timmy!

(Everyone Cheers.)

Jonsey: We did it, dude!

Skyler: Listen to that! They really love me! (to the audience) WHEEEEEEEW!

Everyone: WHEEEEEEEEEEW!

Skyler: YES! I'M A ROCKER!

(Cut to TV Program. PSB Presents...Charlie Rose.)

Charlie Rose: Tonight, we analyze the new rock sensation, Timmah! The controversial new band that has taken the country by storm! Already playing at several large venues this month, the band prepares for its biggest gig, Lalapaluziza, where they will open for Phil Collins! But, Phil Collins is not happy! (the show cuts to Phil Collins in the middle of the street. Phil is holding his Oscar that he won this year for Best Song.)

Phil Collins: Well, I think it's a horrible tragedy! Isn't it?! I mean, people aren't gonna see Timmy for his musical skills! They're laughin' at 'im, and I think you shouldn't laugh people with disabiwities!

Man #2: (enters and laughs at Phil Collins' pronounciation of the word "disabilities".) Ha, ha, ha! (leaves)

Phil Collins: Society has to learn to be more compassionate! This is gonna stop if I have to stop it myself!

(Cut to Bus Stop. Stan and Kyle are waiting.)

Kyle: Dude! Did you see that stuff Phil Collins was saying about Timmy?!

Stan: Yeah! What a dick! Timmy's five times more talented than he is!

(Cartman and Kenny enter.)

Cartman: (sounding a little low) Hey, guys! Have you been takin' your Ritalin?!

Stan: Huh?! No! We're not actually gonna take that stuff!

Cartman: No, dude! You gotta try it! It makes you feel gooood! (Gives Kyle his bottle of Ritalin.)

Kenny: {Gooood!}

(Kyle takes some Ritalin and passes the bottle to Stan.)

(Cut to School Cafeteria. The four boys approach Chef's counter.)

Chef: Hello there, children!

Cartman, Kyle, and Stan: (sounding low and passive) Hello, Chef!

Kenny: {Hello, Chef!}

Chef: How's it goin'?!

Cartman, Kyle, and Stan: Very well, thank you!

Kenny: {Very well! Thank you!}

Chef: Everything's fine?! Why?!

Stan: Because we're on Ritalin!

Chef: What?!

Kyle: We all have Attention Deficit Disorder! So we all started taking Ritalin!

Cartman: It really takes the edge off, man! You should try it! (takes two more Ritalin.)

Chef: So that's why all you children're actin' so damn borin'!

Kyle: That's correct, Chef!

Chef: Dammit, children! You don't need drugs to make you pay attention in school! In my day, if we didn't pay attention, we got a belt to the bottom! Now they're tryin' to cure everything with drugs!

Kyle: Yes, but now we don't have any homework, so we can go see Timmy play downtown at Mile High Stadium!

Stan: (low and passive) Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Kenny: {Oh, boy}

Chef: Oh, it makes me sick! Those damn psycologists perscribe all kinda medicines to you children without even carin' 'bout the side effects!

Stan: But there are no side effects, Chef!

Kyle: No! None at all!

(Cartman sees a little pink monster that looks like Christina Aguilera.)

Christina Aguilera Monster: Rar! (Cartman rubs his eyes and the monster is gone.)

Cartman: Did y'guys see that?!

Stan: See what?!

(Cut to MTV News Broadcasting.)

Announcer: You're watching MTV! The cool brain-washing twelve year old and younger station that hides behind a slick image! We're so cool that we decided what's cool! And now, MTV News! The news that has single-handedly dumbing down our country, which is cool! Here's your host, Kurt Loader!

Kurt Loader: Why am I still doing this?! I've got to be the oldest person on this network by at least forty years!

Announcer: Kurt Loader didn't just say that! No wait! He did just say it, but just to be cool! That's what makes him cool! You think Kurt Loader is cool! And now, the news that's cool!

Kurt Loader: Well, it's only two weeks until Lalapalulubublu and the headlining band has changed! Now, headlining the event is Timmy! The new hit sensation out of Colarado! This news came as a shock to the performer that was going to headline Lalapalabla, Phil Collins!

Phil Collins: (still holding his Oscar.) Well, I think the sad question is, "Where are the parents in all this?!"! I mean that kid's parents are lettin'im be exploited, and they don't even seem to care!

Kurt Loader: And so, Phil Collins decided to travel to South Park and personally pay Timmy's parents a visit! (the show cuts to Timmy's house where Phil Collins is speaking to Timmy's Mom and Dad.)

Phil Collins: Well, I mean, why're you lettin' them do this to your son?! Don't you see that everyone's just laughin' at 'im?!

Timmy's Dad: RICHAAAARD!

Timmy's Mom: HELEN!

Timmy's Dad: RAAAAH!

Kurt Loader: Phil Collins warns that a novelty band that makes fun of the handicapped should not be allowed to play Lalapalubleleh and vows to do everything in his power to stop it! Phil Collins, by the way, divorced his wife by fax and then married a twenty-seven year old! I'm Kurt Loader and that's the news!

(Cut to Classroom. Class is ready.)

Mr. Garrison: Okay, children! Let's settle down! (A quiet pause) H'uh, I mean it! I want quiet! (Another quiet pause) My God, Mr. Hat! These children are so boring on Ritalin! (Anohter pause. Clyde rubs his nose.) Uh, ah! Alright, children! Today, we're gonna learn about Human Reproduction! Wha'd'ya think about that?! (pause) Vaginas and penises! Buuuut Seeeex! (Yet another pause) Well, dammit, Eric! Don't you have some smart-ass thing to say?!

Cartman: (low and passive) What kind of smart-ass thing would I say, Mr. Garrison?!

Mr. Garrison: THIS IS DRIVIN' ME CRAZY! I CAN'T HANDLE YOU LITTLE BASTARDS BEING SO MELLOW!

Kyle: Gee! You seem a little stressed, Mr. Garrison! Why don't you try some Ritalin?! (offers Mr. Garrison some Ritalin.)

Mr. Garrison: (takes the bottle and swallows the Ritalin down) Aaaaah! Aaaghhhh! Aaaah!

Cartman: There you go! (Sees the Christina Aguilera Monster.)

Christina Aguilera Monster: Rar!

Cartman: Ah!

(Cut to A Stadium in Baltimore. Tonight Only. TIMMY!!! Sold Out!)

Skyler: (To audience) THANK YOU, BALTIMORE! GOODNIGHT!

(Cut to backstage of a Stadium in Miami. Jonsey, Maltsey, Timmy, and Skyler come out of their dressing room to enter the stage.)

Jonsey: ALRIGHT! LET'S ROCK THIS HOUSE! HELLO, MIAMI!

Timmy: TIMMAH!

(Skyler runs into Phil Collins who is also backstage.)

Phil Collins: Excuse me, Skyler Moles!

Skyler: Yeah!

Phil Collins: Nice to meet you! I'm Phil Collins!

Skyler: Oh, yeah! You're opening for us at Lalapalazenfa!

Phil Collins: I just wanted to tell you that, well, I think you're a great guitar player and song writer!

Skyler: Oh! Thanks a lot! I appreciate that! Gotta run!

Phil Collins: It's too bad those other guys are holdin' ya back!

Skyler: Huh?!

Phil Collins: Well, I mean its obvious all the tallent and artistic vision in the band comes from you! Strange, however, when focus is on Timmy! Isn't it?! I mean, even the name of the band is Timmy!

Skyler: Th'the name of the band is Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld!

Phil Collins: Look! I used to be in a band too! Genesis! But, all those bastards did was hold me back and hold me back! But then finally, I went solo, and that's when I started writing really GREAT songs! But look! If you haven't been on the sidelines, y'know, been more of a cheerleader than a player, well then, I guess you should stay on as Timmy's shadow!

Skyler: (hangs his head) Uh, thanks, man! See ya! (leaves with his band.)

Phil Collins: That should just about put an end to all this Timmy nonsense! (kisses his Oscar.)

(Cut to Stadium. End of Concert.)

Timmy: TIMMAH!

(Pan to Green Room. Jonsey, Maltsey, and Skyler enter.)

Jonsey: Another great show, man! There must've been a hunderd thousand people out there!

Skyler: (jealously) Yeah! All of them chanting "Timmy! Timmy!"!

Timmy: (enters) Timmah!

Jonsey: What's the matter, Skyler?!

Skyler: The name of the band is Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld! Not just Timmy!

Timmy: TIMMEHHHH!

Skyler: AND THE LORDS OF THE UNDERWORLD!

Timmy: TIMMAAAAH!

Skyler: It's always about you! Isn't it!? I'm sick of it! Timmy gets all the applause! Timmy gets all the chicks! Well y'know what?! Forget you, man!

Maltsey: (sounding timid) Skyler, Timmy's what made our band famous!

Skyler: SHUT UP, MALTSEY! YOU CAN STAY AND DEAL WITH MR. EGOMANIAC HERE, BUT I'M MOVIN' ON! I DON'T NEED TIMMY! I'M GOIN' SOLO!

Timmy: TIMMAAAAH!

Skyler: NO! DON'T TRY AND STOP ME, MAN! I'll see you on fame's backside! (leaves.)

Timmy: OOOOOOOO-LIbelow! (pretending to play a guitar.)

(Cut to Cartman's House. Kenny, Cartman, Kyle, and Stan are sitting on the couch watching TV and taking Ritalin. Cartman is eating bacon out of a frying pan.)

Phillip: (on TV. bent over) Hey, Terrence! What brand of pants am I wearing?!

Terrence: (on TV) Let me see! (look at the ass of Phillip's pants. Phillip farts on his head.)

Terrence and Phillip: (on TV) HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!

Phillip: (on TV) How d'you like that, Terrence?!

Stan: Let's watch something else!

Kyle: Yes! Let's!

(Cartman turns the channel.)

TV Announcer: (on TV) You're watching VH1!

Kenny, Cartman, Kyle, and Stan: (mellowly) Aaaaaaah!

TV Announcer: (on TV) Here's Lalapalalaza's news! The hit group, Timmy, has broken up!

Stan: Oh, dear! Timmy's band broke up?!

TV Announcer: (on TV) And so, Phil Collins is back on as the headliner! The opening band now will be Timmy's guitarist Skyler's new solo project, "Reach for the Skyler"!

Kyle: You know something?! I think that's good! It was wrong to make Timmy a singer!

Stan: Yeah! Phil Collins was right! People laughed at Timmy and Timmy should be at home where he's protected from laughter!

Cartman: I agree! You know what, y'guys?! We should go to the concert anyways and see Phil Collins!

Kyle: Yeah! I think Phil Collins rocks the house!

Stan: Sounds good!

Cartman: (still mellow) So it's decided! Phil Collins Concert for all of us! Hoo-ray! (Sees the Christina Aguilera Monster crawling on Kenny's head.) Uh, oh! Hold still, Kenny! (Hits Kenny in the head with the frying pan and kills him.)

Stan: (mellowly) Oh, my goodness! You killed Kenny!

Kyle: (mellowly) Bastard!

(Cut to Stan's House. All the adults are sitting in front of the TV and VCR with Chef leading the group. Chef is holding a video.)

Chef: Parents, I called you all together, because I think you might be makin' a mistake puttin' your children on Ritalin!

Randy: Uh, but our kids have Attention Deficit Disorder, Chef! They can't pay attention in school without it!

Chef: I know you wanna help yer kids! But I brought over a video tape to show you that there are alternatives to Ritalin! There's this doc in Northern California who is doing really amazing things with kids who have ADD! I want you to watch this tape! (puts the video into the VCR and turns everything on.)

Dr. Richard Shea: (on video) Hello! I'm Dr. Richard Shea here to tell you about my exciting new drug-free treatment for children with Attention Deficit Disorder. (on the video, there are three ADD Kids sitting at desks each with a book on it.)

ADD Kids: (on video) AYAYAYAYAYAY! (shouting random statements, being spoiled and such.)

Dr. Richard Shea: (on video) This treatment is fast and effective and doesn't use harmful drugs. Watch closely as I apply treatment to the first child.

ADD Kid #1: (on video) IWANTAHORSEIWANTABIGBROWNHORSEWITHAFLUFFYBLACKTAILWITHADIAMONDTIARA...! (Dr. Richard Shea hits her.)

Dr. Richard Shea: (on video) SIT DOWN AND STUDY!! (ADD Kid #1 picks up her book and reads. Dr. Shea approaches ADD Kid #2.)

ADD Kid #2: (on video) WOOHOOLET'SGOSLEDDINGLET'SGORACEARACELET'SGO...! (Dr. Shea hits him.)

Dr. Richard Shea: (on video) SIT DOWN AND STUDY!! (ADD Kid #2 starts crying, so Dr. Shea hits him again.) STOP CRYING AND DO YOUR SCHOOLWORK!! (ADD Kid #2 picks up his book and reads as immediately does ADD Kid #3 right when Dr. Shea approaches him. Dr. Shea holds up a brochure.) If you would like more information on my bold new treatments, please send away for this free brochure entitled "You Can Either Calm Down or I Can Pop You in the Mouth Again.". Thank you.

(Chef turns off the video.)

Chef: Well, what do you think?! I can have Dr. Shea come to South Park for a small fee!

Sharron: That video had pretty colours!

Gerald: It sure did!

Chef: What the...DAMMIT! HAVE YOU ALL BEEN TAKIN' YOUR CHILDREN'S RITALIN TOO?!

Everyone: Yes!

Chef: Aw, fudge it! (throws the video on the ground. Kyle, Stan, and Cartman enter.)

Stan: Chef, are you going to the Phil Collins concert tomorrow?!

Chef: The what?!

Kyle: Phil Collins is playing Lalapalalas, and because we're all doing so well in school now, our parents said they would take us!

Everyone: Yes!

Chef: Hold on a second! You children WANT to go see Phil Collins?!

Kyle: Yes! His flowing melodies are really enjoyable to us!

Chef: OH, MY GOD!

Kyle: Come! See him with us!

Cartman: Yeees! Come with uuus! Commme wiiith uuuus! AH! IT'S CHRISTINA AGUILERA, Y'GUYS! SHE'S ON MY BACK! YAAAAH! (leaves)

Chef: THAT DOES IT! THE RITALIN HAS AFFECTED YOUR LITTLE CRACKER BRAINS TOO DEEPLY! I'M GOING TO GO SEE THAT DAMN PHARMACIST!

(Cut to Pharmacy. The Pharmacist is reading the paper while the Clinic Doctoris counting all the money his store made on Ritalin sales.)

Pharmacist: Look at that! Ritalin stocks are up ten points!

Clinic Doctor: That's easily another twenty grand a piece!

Pharmacist: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

(Chef raps on the glass door.)

Chef: Hey! Open this damn door!

(The Pharmacist and Clinic Doctor cover the money up with a blanket. the Pharmacist opens the door.)

Pharmacist: Can I help you?!

Chef: Yes, you can! What the hell are you two doin' prescribing all the children Ritalin?!

Clinic Doctor: Well, they've all been diagnosed with ADD! That's Attention Deficit...!

Chef: I KNOW WHAT IT IS! But, now you've got a town full of zombie children from the planet Zandor!

Clinic Doctor: Huh?!

Chef: All around the country, you bastard doctors are givin' children Ritalin, and for every one child that actually NEEDS it, you give it to fifty-thousand that DON'T!

Clinic Doctor: Hey, now! Don't tell us our business, Mr. Chef! Why, we...!

Chef: You're damn right, I'll tell you your business, because you two have got your heads up your asses! Thanks to you, we have children in our town that like Phil Collins!

Pharmacist: Er, uh, what?!

Chef: That's right! You've made them so dull and boring that they are actually going to go to a Phil Collins concert!

Clinic Doctor: M'my God! What have we done?!

Pharmacist: Sigh! But if I'd known, I mean, Phil Collins! My, my God! (Start sobbing.)

Chef: Well! How do we reverse the Ritalin?!

Clinic Doctor: We, eh, have to convince them not to take it! But, i'i'i'it'll be hard to get it away from them!

Chef: Then we need an antidote!

Pharmacist: Yes! Of, of course!

Clinic Doctor: Well, what's the antidote for Ritalin!

Pharmacist: I have some right here! (takes a bottle.) It's a compound called Rital-Out!

Chef: Alright! Come on! We got to get the antidote to all the children! Quick!

(Cut to Lalapalalapaza. That night. Phil Collins is on stage. Everyone is clapping, dancing, and stuff.)

Phil Collins: (Singing) That's not a word! Oh! Bu-bu-budio! That's not a word! Bu-budio!

(Pan to the lemonade stand. Chef, the Pharmacist, and the Clinic Doctor enter.)

Chef: Here! We can put the Ritalin antidote into these drinks and hand them out to the children!

(The Pharmacist puts the Rital-Out into the cups of lemonade.)

Phil Collins: (Singing) That's not a word! Oh! Bu-bu-budio! (The song ends and everyone is clapping.)

Randy: Wasn't that great, son?!

Stan: Sure was, Dad!

Gerald: It's so wonderful to be on the same wavelength as our kids!

(Chef joins them holding a tray of lemonade, containing the Rital-Out.)

Chef: Here you go, Stan and Kyle! Free drinks on me!

Stan: Oh! Thank you, Chef! How nice!

(Stan and Kyle each take a lemonade and drink it.)

Phil Collins: And now, I'd like to sing the complex and amazing song that won me the Oscar! (holds up his Oscar.) A song entitled "You'll be in...ME!"! (sits at a piano, sets his Oscar on the piano, and starts playing and singing.) Thanks! You're inside of me! Deep inside of me! (Chef continues to hand out Rital-Out drinks. Phill continues to sing.) So deep inside, I can feel you pushing against my heart!

Chef: (still handing out drinks) C'mon! Drink it down!

Cartman: (sings along) You'll be inside of me! (Sees the Christina Aguilera Monster.)

Christina Aguilera Monster: Rar!

Cartman: Ah! Oh, no! (the monster nibbles on him) Aah! Get off me! GET OFF ME! SOMEBODY HELP! PLEASE! SOMEBODY GET HER OFF OF ME! HELP ME! HELP!

Stan: (the Rital-Out takes its effect on him and Kyle) I feel different!

Kyle: Yeah!

Cartman: GET OFF ME, CHRISTINA AGUILERA! AAH! PLEASE!

Chef: (comes to Cartman's rescue with a cup of lemonade containing Rital-Out) Drink this, Eric! (pours the lemonade down Cartman's throat.)

Cartman: Y'GUYS, HELP ME! (The Rital-Out takes its effect and the Christina Aguilera Monster disappears.) EH! EH! She's gone! Thank God!

Phil Collins: (sings) WELL, THANKS!

(Stan and Kyle take their Ritalin-Free glances at Phil Collins and his music.)

Stan: Wait a minute! Phil Collins sucks ass!

Kyle: Yeah! What the hell were we thinking?! BOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Pan to Lemonade Stand. Chef rejoins the Pharmacist and Clinic Doctor.)

Chef: I think it's working!

Everyone: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Phil Collins: Shut your filthy holes, you little bastards!

Stan: GET OFF THE STAGE, PHIL COLLINS! WE WANT TIMMY!

Kyle: YEAH!

Phil Collins: You just wanna laugh at 'im!

Stan: No! You see, we learned something today! Yeah, sure! We laughed at Timmy! But what's wrong with laughter?! Just because we laugh at somebody doesn't mean we don't care about it! Timmy made us smile, and playing made Timmy smile! So where is the harm in that?! The people that are wrong are the ones that think people like Timmy should be protected and kept out of the public's eye! The cool thing about Timmy being in a band was that he was IN YOUR FACE, AND YOU HAD TO DEAL WITH HIM WHETHER YOU LAUGHED OR CRIED OR FELT NOTHING! THAT'S WHY TIMMY RULES!

Kyle: YEAH! TIMMY! TIMMY!

Everyone: TIMMY! TIMMY! TIMMY! TIMMY!

(Cut to Outdoor Backstage. Jonsey, Maltsey, and Timmy are sitting by the van.)

Jonsey: Man, it sucks not being part of Lalapalapala!

Maltsey: (timidly) Yeah!

(The crowd's chant of "TIMMY!" is heard in the background. Skyler enters.)

Skyler: Hey, dudes!

Jonsey: Skyler, what're you doing here?! Isn't "Reach for the Skyler" s'posed to play soon?!

Skyler: They booed Phil Collins off the stage! Everyone's chanting for Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld!

Maltsey: (timidly) Oh! So now that they want us, you think you can just waltz, um, back into our lives and be in the band again?!

Skyler: I don't expect anything! Timmy, I...well, I just wanted to say, we had some pretty rockin' times, dude, and...maybe I let fame and Phil Collins go to my head!

Timmy: TIMMEH!

(The chant gets louder.)

Jonsey: Wow! They really are chanting for us!

Maltsey: (timidly) They want us back!

Skyler: Wha'd'ya say, Timmy?!

Timmy: Eh, eh! Timmeh!

Skyler and Jonsey: ALRIGHT!

(Cut to Lalapalalapaza! The announcer is on stage.)

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen! Without further adieu, it is my pleasure to introduce the reunion tour of TIMMAH! (everyone cheers. The curtain opens to reveal Skyler, Jonsey, and Maltsey. Timmy slowly rolls on stage.)

Timmy: TIMMAH! AND THE LORDS OF THE UNDERWORLD! (Skyler smiles. The music starts.)

Timmy: TIMMEH! TIMMAH! TIMMEHTIMMAH! (everybody starts moving to the beat) TIMMEHTIMMAH! TIMMEH! TIMMAH! TIMMEH TIMMEH!

Skyler, Jonsey, and Maltsey: (sing) AND THE LORDS OF THE UNDERWORLD!

Phil Collins: (being carried by the audience) Put me down, you filthy bastards! AAAAAAAAAAAH!

Timmy: TIMMAH! TIMMEHTIMMAH! (closing credits.) TIMMAH! DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-TIMMAH! TIMMEH! TIMMAH! TIMMAAAAH! TIMMAH! TIMMAHTIMMAH! TIMMAH! TIMMAH!

Skyler, Jonsey, and Maltsey: (sing) AND THE LORDS OF THE UNDERWORLD!

Timmy: TIMMAH!

Skyler, Jonsey, and Maltsey: (sing) DOOR PISS FILLS MY HEART WITH PAIN!

Timmy: TIMMAH! TIMMAH! TIMMAHTIMMAHTIMMAH! TIMMAHTIMMAHTIMMAH! TIMMAH!