Cherokee Hair Tampons
Episode #407

South Park Episode 407 - Cherokee Hair Tampons
Transcribed by Lee Estall ([email protected])

(Open to South Park Elementary. Classroom. The kids have a substitute teacher today.)

Mr. Wyland: Good morning, children! Mr. Garrison is away today! I am your substitute teacher,
Mr. Wyland! (Writes it on the board.)

Cartman: (whispers.) Ah! Sweet! There's a substitute teacher!

Mr. Wyland: Now, I understand that some students in this class like to mess with substitute
teachers! (Cartman points to Craig.) But if we all behave and respect each other, I'm sure we
can make this a fun and productive day! Let's start with role call! Let's see! Mmmmmmmm! Eric
Cartman!

Stan: Here! (He and Kenny giggle. Cartman giggles too.)

Mr. Wyland: Alright, and how about Stan Marsh!

Kenny: {Here!} (The three kids giggle again.)

Wendy: It's not that funny, you guys! Jesus!

Mr. Wyland: Okay, and where iiiiiis Kenny McKormic?!

Cartman: Here! (the three kids giggle again. Cartman spews milk from his nose.) Eh, ah! Oh!
Ha, ha! Ow!

Stan: Dude! What the hell was that?!

Cartman: Oh, heh, heh! Oh, gez! You know when you're laughin' so hard that the milk comes out
your nose?! Oh, ho, ho, man!

Stan: Dude, you weren't drinking any milk!

Cartman: Huh?!

Stan: You have to be DRINKING milk for that to happen!

Cartman: Not with me, man!

Mr. Wyland: Alright! Look! Why don't we skip role call! Here's what we're gonna do today!
I've been told that one of your classmates has been ill for several days! Kyle Broflovski!?

Stan: HE'S FAKIN'!

Mr. Wyland: Well, I've been told that in Mr. Garrison's abscence, our activity for the day is
to make a get-well card for Kyle! So I've got this large piece of poster-board and we're all
gonna come up and use glitter and glue to decorate it!

South Park Kids: Aaaaawh! (they all get up to make the card except for Cartman.)

Cartman: HE'S FAKIN'!

(The kids are given the poster-board, the glitter, and the glue.)

Mr. Wyland: (to Cartman) Kenny, you come and decorate the get-well card too!

Cartman: But I don't want Kyle to get well! I hate Kyle!

Mr. Wyland: I don't care! Get down here and do it!

Butters: Hey! Watch it! Hey, what're you doin'?! (the kids scatter away. Butters is all
covered with glitter and glue as he is wearing the poster-board across his torso which reads
"Get Well Kyle".)

Stan: (points to Butters) Now that's a get well card! (everyone laughs, including Cartman who
spews milk again.)

(Cut to the Denver School Administration. The South Park School Board. Mr. Garrison is being
looked over by the board.)

Chairman: Mr. Garrison, after very carefull review, the school board believes that you should
take a hiatus from teaching! Indefinitely!

Mr. Garrison: What?!

Board Member: Frankly, your conduct has been somewhat disconserting!

Chairman: Did you know that not one of your students knew who Sam Adams was?!

Mr. Garrison: Well who cares about a guy that makes beer?! Jesus Christ! I'm tryin' to teach
history!

Chairman: Frankly, Mr. Garrison, it isn't even your educational record that we're most
concerned about! It's your somewhat substantial police record!

Mr. Garrison: P'oh, whatever!

Principal Victoria: Mr. Garrison, last weeks charges of attempting to solicit sex from a
minor...!

Mr. Garrison: THAT WAS NOT ME! THAT WAS MR. HAT!

Board Member: All we're saying is perhaps you should take a little hiatus from teaching until
this little child molestation thing dies down a bit!

Mr. Garrison: Gentlemen, teaching is all I know! It is the air that I breath!

Chairman: We're sorry, Mr. Garrison! We have no choice!

Mr. Garrison: Very well! I guess...I'm not a teacher anymore! I suppose you'll be wanting my
badge and gun! (lays a gun on the Chairman's desk.)

Chairman: Mr. Garrison, most teachers do not CARRY a gun!

Mr. Garrison: Oh! So I can keep it then?! (takes back his gun.)

(Cut to Kyle's House. Kyle's Room. Kyle is lying in bed.)

Kyle: Blabla! Elbleblablabla!

(Shiela, Sharron, and Stan enter.)

Shiela: Kyle, Stan and his mother came over to visit you!

Sharron: (to Kyle) Hello, sweetie!

Stan: (to Kyle) Dude, you can stop faking now! We got a substitute teacher!

Kyle: Ah! Eblableblabla!

Stan: Kyle?!

Shiela: They say it's his kidneys! Kyle always has been a diabetic and lately his kidneys
have just been shutting down!

Sharron: Well, the kids at school made you a card, Kyle! Look!

(Butters enters still dressed up as a get-well card.)

Stan: Go on, Butters!

Butters: Uh, I don't wanna!

Stan: BUTTERS, GO ON!

Butters: Well, uh, alright then! (sings) We're so sorry you're not feelin' well! We hope
you're better soon! So we're bringin' you some sunshine by, um, um, singin' you this tune!
(takes out a cane and continues to sing.) Everybody misses you and though we hate to cause a
fuss, we'd like to say "Get well soon!" and "Please don't die on us!"! (balloons blow up all
over his body.)

Kyle: Habla! Gelablablelabla!

Stan: Dude! You really ARE sick, huh!

Kyle: I don't know! I...!

Shiela: I don't know what to do, Sharron! They wanna hav'im go into surgery, but that's so
dangerous!

Sharron: Shiela, have you tried holistic natural medecines?! They work wonders! I read all
about it in People!

Shiela: Really?! In People?!

Sharron: There's a brand new shop in town that sells holistic medicines and all-natural
foods! It's run by this fascinating woman named Miss Information!

Shiela: Oh, well! With a name Miss Information, she must know something!

Sharron: Why don't we at least take Kyle down there and see what she has to say?!

Shiela: Okay! I'll get our coats! (leaves.)

Kyle: Blay! Blayblayblay!

Butters: (still in glitter, poster-board, and balloons.) Can I go now?!

(Cut to Mr. Mackey's Office. Mr. Garrison is laying down on the couch seeking help from Mr.
Mackey.)

Mr. Garrison: I don't know what I'm gonna do, Mackey! Teaching is all I know!

Mr. Mackey: M'kay! Well, maybe you need to view this as a chance to do something you've
always wanted to do!

Mr. Garrison: I've always wanted to write a novel!

Mr. Mackey: Well, there ya go! M'kay?!

Mr. Garrison: But, I never know what to right about!

Mr. Mackey: Well, that's easy! Write about what you know! Write about what you love!
Wha'd'you love most?!

Mr. Garrison: Besides teaching?!

Mr. Mackey: Yes!

Mr. Garrison: Poontang!

Mr. Mackey: M'm'kay!

Mr. Garrison: I can't help it! I'm a womanizer sometimes, I know! But, I just think that
taking a woman home and getting some hot poon is about the greatest thing in the world!

Mr. Mackey: Well, that settles it, Mr. Garrison! What you need to do is go write a great
romance novel!

Mr. Garrison: Yes! That's it! I am going to write the Great American Romance Novel!

(Cut to Miss Information's New Age Shop. Sharron, Shiela, Stan and Kyle are listening at the
shop listening to Miss Information.)

Miss Information: You see, the reasons our bodies fail is because of TOXINS!

Sheila: Toxins?!

Miss Information: All the horrible food we eat, the sodas and meats are filled with toxins,
and the only way for us to get better is to flush those toxins out of our system! Western
medicine is so quick to cut and carb up, but all you son needs is a...!

Kyle: Eh!

Miss Information: ...toxin flushing diet of lemon juice and cyan pepper!

Sharron: Wow! That's amazing, Miss Information!

Sheila: Do you hear that, Kyle?! You don't need surgery after all!

Kyle: Eh, cough!

Stan: Excuse me, but what do these toxins look like?!

Miss Information: What?!

Stan: Have you ever actually SEEN a toxin?!

Sharron: Don't be a smartass, Stanley!

Miss Information: Mrs. Broflovski would like to give your son herbs a focus on the kidney! I
have these excellent herbs from local Native Americans!

Sharron: Oooh! Native Americans! Now, THEY know how to heal the body spiritually!

Kyle: Eh, blyblebleble! Eh, cough!

(Cut to Mr. Garrison's House. Mr. Garrison is at his desk keying in his novel.)

Mr. Garrison: (dictates) "Out on the balcony, when Reginald kissed Diana lips, her knees went
weak. Slowly, he pulled her top down exposing her soft, unyielding breasts." Oh, yeah! Now
this is getting good! (takes a sip of booze and continues to dictate as he writes.) "Just the
sight of those breasts made Reginald's penis very hard. His penis was of considerable size,
and now beads of sweat ran slowly down his penis, making it glisten like a strong swimmer
fresh from out of the pool. It was a fantastic penis that seemed as strong as a horse's leg,
yet as delecate as a flower wrapped in silk. What a grand, grand penis! Diana's nipples..."
(stops there.) Uh, let's see! "Diana's nipples..." OH, WRITER'S BLOCK! WRITER'S BLOCK! Hm!
CRAP! I'm stuck! (to Mr. Hat, his handpuppet.) Oh, well! Maybe that's enough writing for
tonight, Mr. Hat!

(Cut to Kyle's House. Kyle's Room. Kyle is still in bed. Dee-Ann Cartman, Shiela, Sharron,
other women, and Stan are attending to him.)

Woman #1: Oh, my! He looks terrible!

Woman #2: Yes, poor little dear!

(Miss Information enters.)

Miss Information: Good morining, everyone!

Sheila: Oh, thanks for comming, Miss Information! Kyle seems to be getting worse!

Miss Information: (goes over to Kyle and passes her hands over him.) Ehhhhhhhhhh! Oh, I don't
agree! He seems much better!

Sheila: Really?!

Stan: What?!

Miss Information: Yes! His chia's flowing much nicer than yesterday, and his aura is lighter!

Sharron: Oh, that's great news!

Kyle: (Kyle barfs.) BLEAAACH!

Sheila: Oh, no!

Miss Information: No, no! That's good! Those are the toxins flushing out of his system!

Sharron: Oooooooo!

Stan: Those aren't toxins! That's the bean-with-bacon soup he ate half an hour ago!

Sharron: Stanley, wha'did I say about being a smartass?!

Stan: "Don't be a smartass!"?!

Miss Information: Now, don't be fooled as Kyle's body sheads itself more and more of all the
toxins! He will appear to be getting worse, but actually, he is getting better!

Sheila: Wow! Well, I am so on natural medicines! If only I had known sooner!

Women: I agree! Yes! That's right!

(Stan gives a stare as much as to say "Why isn't anybody listening to me?!".)

(Cut to Hospital. The doctor is sitting at his desk.)

Receptionist: (on PA) Mr. Marsh is here to see you!

Doctor: (to Receptionist) Alright! Send 'im in! (Stan enters.) Oh, Stanley!

Stan: Hi, Doctor!

Doctor: What can I do for you?!

Stan: Well, It's my friend Kyle! I think he's really, really sick!

Doctor: He IS really, really sick, Stanley! I was seeing him last week when he first got ill,
but unfortunately, his mother decided to put all her trust into holistic medicine!

Stan: But, I don't think it's working!

Doctor: Alright, Stanley! I'm going to be very honest with you! Your little friend Kyle needs
a kidney transplant, or it is very possible that...he will die!

Stan: Die?! But, Kyle's my best friend in the whole world!

Doctor: I know this is a lot to lay on someone your age, but the rest of the town is so
gung-ho on new-age medicine, that I have nowhere else to turn!

Stan: I'll give Kyle my kidney, even if it hurts a whole lot! I don't care!

Doctor: That's very brave, Stan, but I've already checked my records, and you and Kyle aren't
a match for kidneys! In fact, there's only one person in South Park with the same blood type
as Kyle!

Stan: Who?! (The Doctor shows Stan a picture of Cartman which reads "Type AB Negative:
Cartman".) Oh, shit!

(Cut to Cartman's House. Kenny and Cartman are playing with toys on the rug.)

Kenny: (playing with a yellow spaceship.) {EEEEEEEERRROWWWWW! EEEEEEEEEERRRROWW! DOONG DOONG!
PSHHHHHHHHHH!}

Cartman: (playing with a red ship.) Comin' in for attack, Captain! PIPIW! PIPIPIW! (puts his
hand on the yellow ship that Kenny has.) Gimmie the Space Cruiser, Kenny! (Kenny doesn't) No,
Kenny! You have to give me the Sun Space Cruiser so that I can destroy the Ginjon on Cluster
Five! (Kenny still hangs on to the yellow ship.)

Kenny: {No! It's mine!}

(The doorbell rings.)

Cartman: EH! Mine! Mine! (the yellow ship breaks in half.) HA, HA, HA! I broke your space
cruiser, Kenny! HA, HA! HA, HA, HA! (Spews milk from his nose.) WHEW! OH, HO! OW!

(Dee-Ann Cartman enters.)

Dee-Ann: Oh, sweetums! Did you laugh too hard again?!

Cartman: Yeah!

Dee-Ann: Well, s'more of your little friends are here to play with you!

(Stan and Kyle enter. Stan holding Kyle in his arms.)

Cartman: Okay, mom!

Dee-Ann: And don't get too close to Kyle! He looks like he might have the AIDS! (leaves.)

Cartman: What's goin' on, guys?!

Stan: Cartman, we have to ask you a question! A very serious question!

Cartman: Okay!

Stan: Kyle's in trouble, Cartman! I can see 'im getting worse right before my eyes! There
might be a way that YOU can save his life!

Cartman: Uh, huh!

Stan: What Kyle really needs is a new kidney!

Cartman: Oh! I think I see where this is going!

Kyle: Uhhhhh!

Stan: His mom is trying all this eastern medicine new-age bullcrap on 'im, but it's obviously
not working!

Cartman: Stan, why don't you just ask the question?!

Stan: Alright! Will you donate one of your kidneys to Kyle?!

Cartman: (Sings to the tune of "Comedy Tonight".) NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

Stan: BUT WE ONLY NEED ONE, FAT BOY!!

Cartman: (Still sings.) NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! NONONO! NO, NO!

Stan: Dude, one of your friends is gonna die! Don't you see how serious this is?!

Kenny: {Not that fuckin' serious!}

Kyle: Cough! Cough!

Cartman: Well, perhaps I can see my way to giving up a kidney...for a price!

Stan: OH, MY GOD!

Kyle: How much?!

Cartman: I don't know! How much is your life worth to you, Kyle?!

Stan: CARTMAN, YOU ARE SO GOING TO HELL WHEN YOU DIE!!

Cartman: Yes, well until then, I need about ten-million dollars!

Kenny: {TEN-MILLION DOLLARS?!!}

Stan: WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU DO WITH TEN-MILLION DOLLARS, FATASS?!

Cartman: What I intend to do with the money is not an issue, is it! I suggest you start
looking for that money quickly! Kyle doesn't seem to have much time! Tick-tock! Tick-tock!

Stan: C'mon, Kyle! Let's get outta here! (he and Kyle leave.)

Cartman: Okay! Where where we, Kenny?! Oh, yeah! (he and Kenny grab their ships.) Quick,
Captain! We must destroy the Ginjon on Cluster Five! (grabs Kenny's ship again.) Gimmie the
space cruiser! (Kenny doesn't) Give it, Kenny! Mine!

(Cut to Miss Information's New Age Shop. Many people are shopping.)

Man #1: Oooo! Free-Range Asprin!

Man #2: All-Natural Cell-Phones!

(Enter Chief Running-Pinto and Carlos Remirez, played by Tommy Chong and Cheech Marin,
respectively.)

Miss Information: Oh! Look, everyone! These are our two resident Native Americans! Chief
Running-Pinto and Carlos Remirez!

(Everyone crowds the two supposed Native Americans and verbally express their excitement to
see them.)

Man #1: Do you have any new holistic items for sale?!

Carlos Remirez: Oh, oh yeah! Uh, here! (takes out a clothes hanger with some duct-tape around
it.) Uh, this is a, uh, dr--m catcher!

Woman #3: Oh! A dream catcher! I'll buy one!

Everyone: And me too!

Chief Running-Pinto: Yeah! (takes out some items made from dark hair.) And these here are
Cherokee-Hair Tampons! They're, like, tampons made with All-Natural hair from the Cherokee
people!

Sharron: Ooooo! A tampon made from Cherokee hair! Now, that sounds natural!

Miss Information: Native Americans are more in tune with the earth than we are!

Chief Running-Pinto: Oh, yeah! We love the earth, man!

Carlos Remirez: Oh, yeah! The earth is great!

Miss Information: Mrs. Broflovski's son is a little sick! Perhaps she could bring 'im in
tomorrow and you can give 'im some spiritual healing!

Chief Running-Pinto: Oh, sure! We can do that, man! We'll give'im, like, a...a brain enima,
or somethin'!

Carlos Remirez: Mhm! M'ho, ho, hm!

Sheila: Wonderful!

Miss Information: Why don't you follow me over to the cash register and I will take a
deposit!

Man #3: (to the two supposed Native Americans.) D'you have anymore stuff to sell?! We wanna
buy more stuff!

Man #4: Yes! Much, much more stuff!

Chief Running-Pinto: Sure! Uh, we just gotta go back to our truck! I...I mean our horses and
grab some more junk! (Carlos Remirez giggles) C'mon!

Miss Information: Goodbye, Native Americans! The spirit of Maya is with you!

Carlos Remirez: Oh, yeah! You too and junk! (he and Chief Running-Pinto giggle. whispers as
they are leaving.) That's funny! (he and Chief Running-Pinto leave.)

(Stan enters.)

Sharron: Oh, hi, Stanley! Look! I bought you s'more All-Natural Toothpaste!

Stan: Y'mean the stuff that taste like ass and doesn't fight cavities?!

Sharron: That's right!

Stan: Look! Um, I know that you all think the earth and its natural healing powers can cure
Kyle, but...but Doctor at the hospital told me it can't!

Miss Information: Well, of course the doctor told you THAT, because HE wants to make MONEY!
Holistic medicine is about nature! (to Sheila) Two-hundred and thirty-three dollars! (Sheila
pays her.)

Sheila: Everything's going to be fine, Stan! We're bringing Kyle in tomorrow to see the
Native Americans personally!

Stan: Isn't it possible that these Indians don't know what they're talking about?!

Sharron: You watch your mouth, Stanley! The Native Americans were raped of their land and
resources by white people like us!

Stan: And that has something to do with their medicine because...?!

Sharron: ENOUGH, STANLEY!

(Stan goes outside. Pan Outside. Stan meets Kenny.)

Stan: Nobody wants to listen, Kenny!

Kenny: {I know!}

Stan: I don't know what else to do! I mean, he could die, Kenny! And that means we'd never
see'im again!

Kenny: {Uh, huh!}

Stan: I guess maybe I've always taken friends for granted, like they'd always be there! If a
friend died, I don't know what I'd do! WELL, I'M NOT JUST GONNA STAND HERE AND WATCH MY
FRIEND DIE! KENNY, GO ROUND UP ALL THE KIDS IN TOWN WHO WANNA HELP KYLE! ROUND
THEM UP AND MEET ME AT THE BUS STOP AT SEVEN-THIRTY! KYLE'S GONNA LIVE! (leaves.)

Kenny: {Eh!}

(Cut to Mr. Garrison's House. Mr. Garrison is still writing.)

Mr. Garrison: (Dictating.) "Chapter Eighteen. Diana had never slept with another woman
before, but it was an erotic thought she often fantasized about." Oh, yeah, Mr. Hat! Hot
lesbo scene commin' up! "And as Rebecca's naked body lay before her, Diana couldn't help but
feel aroused. 'Go on', Rebecca said softly, 'Touch me'. Diana leaned down slowly and brushed
Rebecca's bare stomach with her fingertips. It felt good, like a penis. A soft, but sturdy
penis that felt warm to the touch. In Rebecca's mind, she suddenly felt like she was
surrounded by penises. They were all around her, flopping all around and slapping her face.
It was as if she were in a redwood forest of penises. They presented themselves tall and
mighty all around her with..." (Mr. Hat starts leaning down towards Mr. Garrison's crotch
underneath the desk where we can't see.) Mr. Hat! What the hell are you doing?! (starts
feeling pleasure.) Oh, Mr. Hat!

(Cut to Bus Stop. Stan is waiting.)

Stan: C'mon! Where are they?! (Kenny enters with Butters and Timmy.) This is it?!

Kenny: {Uh, huh!}

Timmy: TIMMEH!

Stan: This is everyone that wanted to help Kyle?!

Butters: Well, Clyde was gonna come too, but he...he said his mom was makin' tacos for
dinner, and Clyde likes tacos a whole lot!

Stan: Jesus Christ! Alright, Butters! (gives Butters a book.) You take this medical book and
everyone follow me!

Butters: W'where're we goin'?!

Stan: We're gonna go TAKE Cartman's kidney! (leaves. Everyone else stays around and looks
dumbfounded.)

(Cut to what seems to be an ordinary tampon comercial taking place in a flowery backyard.
Live Action. A Mother and Daughter are sitting on the big swing-couch.

Daughter: Mom, d'you ever have those heavy flow days?!

Mother: Oh, absolutely, sweetheart! Everybody does!

Daughter: M'mom, remember the move "The Shining" where the elevator doors are opening up and
all the...

Mother: Oh, honey, what you need is a more absorbant tampon!

Daughter: L'like what?!

Mother: Well, what's the most absorbant thing in the world?!

Daughter: (thinks) Well, Cherokee hair, I guess! But, wha'does that have to do with me?!

Mother: (pulls out a package and shows it to the Daughter and to us.) Because now, there's
new All-Natural Cherokee-Hair Tampons! (Pan to a comparison table. a hand pours blue watter
over a cotton tampon. Voice over.) A cotton tampon can only hold so much liquid! (Next, the
hand pours the blue liquid over another tampon.) Other tampons also come up short! But
Cherokee hair has been known for ages to be strong and powerfull! (Next, the hand pours
liquid over the hair of a Cherokee girl laying down on the table. Next, we see the actual
product, the tampon made from Cherokee hair.) Each tampon is hand-woven for from over
two-hundred stands of Cherokee hair and then bound together by these decorative native beads!

(Pan back to the Backyard where the Mother is planting more flowers.)

Daughter: You were right, Mom! All-Natural Cherokee Hair Tampons really did the trick!

Mother: And when you're done using 'em, they make a great toy for Jesse! (To their dog.) Go
get it, boy! (throws the Cherokee hair tampon to the dog. The dog gets it and plays with it.
Another shot of the Mother and Daughter with a subtitle, "Cherokee Hair Tampons".)

Cheif Running-Pinto: (Voice over) Let the wonders and the mysteries of our people, like,
change the way you think about tampons!

(Cut to Cartman's House. Cartman is sleeping.)

Cartman: (in his sleep.) No! No! H'hippies all around me! Help! Mommy! H'h'hippies!

(Pan outsie. Stan, Kenny, Butters, and Timmy are comming toward the door. Stan is holding a
hand-saw.)

Stan: (looks through the window.) Okay! It's clear!

(The four boys enter through the door. They are in the hallway going towards Dee-Ann
Cartman's door.)

Stan: Okay! Me and Butters are gonna go up and take Cartman's kidney out of'im! Kenny, you
stay here and guard his mom's door with Timmy!

Timmy: TIMMEH!

Stan: Shhhhhhh!

Timmy: Timmeh!

Stan: If she hears him screaming, or comes out or anything, just stall her! Alright?!

Kenny: {Okay!}

Timmy: Timmah!

Stan: Alright, Butters! Let's go!

(Stan and butters sneak up the stairs and see Cartman's pig Fluffy.)

Stan: Uh, oh! Cartman's pig! (the pig is sleeping. Stan and butters try to sneak by the pig.)
Shhh! Good pig! Good pig! Good pig! Shhh! It's okay! (Butters steps on Fluffy's tail.)

Fluffy: SQUEEEEEEALLLL! SQUEEEEEEALLLL! (Pan to Cartman's room where he is waking up to the
sounds of his pig's squealing. Cartman gets up. Pan back to the hallway.) SQUEEEEEEALLLL!
SQUEEEEEEALLLL!

Stan: C'MON! WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE! (Cartman sleep-walks out into the hallway in front of
Stan.) Oh, no!

Butters: Oh, well! We're busted!

(Cartman sleep-walks toward Fluffy and punches the pig really hard.)

Cartman: SHUT UP, FLUFFY! (Sleep-walks back to his room.)

Stan: Oh! Whew!

(Cut to Cartman's house. Cartman's Room. Later that night.)

Cartman: (in his sleep.) Hippies! Hiiiippiiiies! Everywhere! They wanna save the earth, but
all they do is smoke pot and smell bad! Help!

(Stan appears from behind the bed.)

Stan: Okay! Here we go! (Butters appears from behind the bed. Stan looks through the book and
finds a heart, a liver and stops at the page showing testicles.) Ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
(Turns the page to reveal the kidney.) Okay! Let's see! Looks like if we cut here, and
here...!

Butters: I hope it's not too bloody! I worry and pee my pants!

Stan: ...over the right buttock! Well, here goes nothing! (takes out the hand-saw) Help me
pull his pajamas up! (they pull the top of Cartman's pajamas up to reveal a chastity belt
with a label reading "KIDNEY BLOCKER 2000".) NO WAY! KIDNEY BLOCKER 2000?!

Cartman: (Wakes up.) What, what, what, what?! Oh, Stan and Butters! Trying to take my kidney,
are you?!

Stan: YOU SUCK, CARTMAN!

Cartman: Maybe so, but at least I was smart enough to wear a Kidney Blocker 2000!

Stan: Goddammit! Don't you care that Kyle is gonna die?!

Cartman: (sarcastically) I do! I do care! Look how much! (pause) Look! Look how much I care!
(pause)

(Cut to the Harequin Romance Book Publishing Co. Mr. Garrison is meeting with the Harequin
President.)

Harequin President: First and foremost, Mr. Garrison, I would like to thank you for choosing
Harequin Romance!

Mr. Garrison: Yeah, yeah, yeah! So, did you read the book?!

Harequin President: Uh, eh, yes, Mr. Garrison, we did read your book!

Mr. Garrison: Well, wha'did you think?!

Harequin President: Well, uh, frankly, Mr. Garrison, we don't know if the Harequin Romance
label's appropriate for you!

Mr. Garrison: Oh! Why not?!

Harequin President: Mr. Garrison, uh, are you aware that the word "penis" occurs six-thousand
and eighty-three times in your novel?!

Mr. Garrison: Well, I'm sure there's lots of naughty words! It IS a romance novel!

Harequin President: No, I don't think that this book really qualifies as a ROMANCE novel!

Mr. Garrison: No?!

Harequin President: Mhmm! No! No, this is what we in the book publishing business like to
call GAY! Really, really, gay!

Mr. Garrison: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

Harequin President: It's just that the focus really seems to be on the MALE organs!

Mr. Garrison: WELL, I THOUGHT IT WAS MOSTLY WOMEN THAT READ THESE THINGS!

Harequin President: It is!

Mr. Garrison: WELL, WOMEN WANT TO READ ABOUT DING-DONGS! YOU THINK WOMEN CARE ABOUT THE
DETAILS OF FEMALE ANATOMY?! HELL, NO! WOMEN WANNA READ ABOUT BIG, POWERFULL SHLONGS! LOOK!
I'VE SEEN WOMEN READ THESE THINGS! THEY SKIM ALONG, SKIM ALONG UNTIL THEY GET TO THE PART
ABOUT THE PENIS! THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT, SO THAT'S WHAT I'M GIVING THEM!

Harequin President: Hmmmm!

(Cut to South Park Pianos. Outside. Stan and Kenny are sitting together on the sidewalk. Stan
is sulking.)

Stan: There's nothing more I can do, Kenny! I've tried everything to save Kyle! Holistic
medicine is gonna kill my friend!

Kenny: {You know that I can be your NEW friend!}

Stan: My friend is gonna die! Sob! He's gonna die and there's nothing I can do about it! Sob,
sob! Oh, God! Sob, sob! I'll miss 'im! (cries.)

Kenny: {YOU'RE SUCH A PUSSY! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF OF THIS BULLSHIT! SCREW YOU! I'M GOIN'
HOME!}

(Kenny is about to leave, but before he can, a piano man from a window above accidentally
drops a piano.)

Piano Man: Look out! (the piano lands on Kenny, killing him.) Whoops!

Stan: (still crying.) Ah! Sniff! I'll never see Kyle again! Boo, hoo! Boo, hoo, hoo, hoo,
hoo!

(Cut to Miss Information's New Age Shop. People are still shopping. This time, Carlos Remirez
and Chief Running-Pinto are helping Miss Information run the store.)

Woman #4: Four dozen Cherokee Hair Tampons, please!

Chief Running-Pinto: (gives the woman the tampons.) No problem, man! Pay Miss Information up
front! (the woman goes.)

Man #5: Hi! Uh, I have a little bit of pain in my balls whenever I watch VH1!

Carlos Remirez: Oh! Here! Try this, man! (gets out a small bottle.) Uh, this is, uh,
All-Natural Ball Juice! (gives the man the bottle. The man drinks a little from the bottle as
Carlos and the Chief are laughing a bit.)

Man #5: Wow! I feel better already!

(Carlos and the Chief laugh a little more.)

Miss Information: And next, we have Mrs. Broflovski's son!

(Sheila enters draging Kyle on the ground.)

Sheila: Okay! Here he is!

(The two supposed Native Americans look at Kyle)

Chief Running Pinto: Uh, hey man! That kid looks really sick!

Miss Information: Yes! He really needs his toxins flushed again!

Chief Running Pinto: No! I mean he looks REALLY sick, man! You should take 'im to, like, a
doctor!

Everyone: Hm?!

Sheila: But YOU'RE more in touch with the earth!

Chief Running Pinto: Look! Being in touch with the earth has nothing to do with dyin', man!

Sharron: It's okay! We trust that you know what you're doing!

(Carlos and the Chief look at each other.)

Kyle: Ehhhhhh!

Carlos Remirez: No, man! That kid needs a doctor! Besides, we're not actually Native
Americans! I mean, I'm...I'm more like a...a Mexican!

Everyone: WHAT?!

Carlos Remirez: Yeah! A Mexican!

Everyone: AWWWW!

(Man #5 spits out his so-called Ball Juice.)

Gerald: Oh, my God!

(Woman #4 holds her abdomen and lets out a blood-curdling scream knowing that she is wearing
one of those Cherokee Hair Tampons.)

Sharron: How dare you deceive us like that!

Chief Running-Pinto: Hey! We never said we were Native Americans, man! Miss Information said
that!

Carlos Remirez: Yeah! She said nobody would buy anything from Mexicans!

(Everyone gives Miss Information an angry look.)

Miss Information: Uh, toxins are your enemy!

Woman #5: KILL HER!

(All the women gather around Miss Information and beat the shit out of her. The two supposed
Native Americans laugh as this is happening.)

Carlos Remirez: That's funny!

Stan: (to Sheila) So now can we take Kyle to the hospital?!

Sheila: Yes! Of course, but we don't have a kidney donor!

Stan: That's alright! If you'll all help, I think I have a plan!

(Cut to Cartman's house. Cartman's alarm rings and he wakes up.)

Cartman: Ohhhhhhh! Morning! Oh! Mm! AAAAAAAAH! (looks to see that his KIDNEY BLOCKER 2000 has
been unlocked and removed, and he sees what appears to be blood everywhere.) THAT SON OF A
BITCH!

(Cut to Stan's House. Cartman goes to the door and bangs on it. Stan answers.)

Cartman: OKAY, ASSHOLE! GIMMIE BACK MY KIDNEY!

Stan: Dude, please! Kyle needs it!

Cartman: IT'S MINE! NOT YOURS! MINE! GIVE IT BACK RIGHT NOW OR THERE'S GONNA BE HELL TO
PAY!

Stan: Alright, alright! Here! (takes out what appears to be a kidney and gives it to
Cartman.)

Cartman: Thank you! And you better hope to God it still works, JUST LIKE YOU DID BEFORE!
(leaves.)

(Cut to Hospital. The doctor is in his office.)

Receptionist: (on PA) Doctor, Eric Cartman is here!

(Cartman enters.)

Doctor: Why, hello there, Eric! (Cartman plops the supposed kidney on his desk.)

Cartman: YOU SEE THAT?! THAT'S MINE! MY ASSHOLE FRIEND STAN TOOK MY KIDNEY AND I NEED IT PUT
BACK IN! Please!

Doctor: Oh, I see! (picks up the kidney) Are you sure that now that it's already out, you
don't wanna just let your friend Kyle have it?!

Cartman: No! Because it doesn't belong to Kyle! It belongs to ME! IT'S MINE!

Doctor: Well, alright then! We'll get you prepped for surgery, if you'll just sign this
release! (takes out a contract.)

Cartman: (signs the paper.) Thank you!

(Cut to Hospital room. Kyle and Cartman are in the same room. Kyle has some balloons and
get-well stuff around his bed. Randy, Gerald, Sheila, Stan, Sharron, and Dee-Ann are
attending.)

Shiela: How're you feeling, boobie?!

Kyle: Better! Thanks!

Stan: You look a lot better!

Sharron: Yeah! Looks like Western Medicine really did the trick!

Kyle: Hey! Thanks for goin' through all that to save my life, Stan!

Stan: Dude, you're my best friend! I don't want you to die until I do!

Chief Running-Pinto: (also attending along with Carlos Remirez.) Yeah! Hey, man! We're glad
you're getting better too!

Cartman: (wakes up) Eh! Hey, wha'what's goin' on?!

Stan: Kyle's all better, Cartman, thanks to you!

Cartman: Huh?!

Stan: It was all a trick! Your mom undid the kidney blocker and then we put ketchup in your
bed so you'd think WE took your kidney!

Doctor: Yes, but it was all just a trick to get you to come in and sign this release. (shows
the contract.)

Dee-Ann: Isn't that funny, sweetie?!

Cartman: AAW! I AM SO PISSED OFF!

(Mr. Garrison enters with his new book.)

Mr. Garrison: Oh, here's everybody!

Stan: Hey, Mr. Garrison! Where've you been?!

Mr. Garrison: Boys, I have an announcement to make! I'm not gonna be your teacher anymore!
I've become a bestselling author, and Kyle, I want you to have a signed copy as a get-well
present! (gives a copy of his book to Kyle. The book is entitled "In the Valley of Penises"
by George W. Garrison.)

Kyle: Oh! Thanks?!

Cartman: AW! SERIOUSLY! I'M GONNA KILL YOU GUYS!

Stan: Careful, Cartman! You might pop your stitches!

(Stan and Kyle laugh for a while and Kyle spews milk from his nose.)

Kyle: What the...?!

Cartman: Oh, good! You got the crappy kidney!

(Closing Credits. The End.)