Chef Goes Nanners
Episode #408

Transcribed by Lee Estall ([email protected])

(Open to Mayor's Office. Chef and Jimbo are about to have a debate.)

Mayor: Gentlemen, I understand you're here to present both sides of an issue! I wanna hear
you both out and do this in a civil and constructive manner so that I can give you both the
time and attention you deserve! Jimbo, why don't you begin?!

Jimbo: Mayor, It's about the South Park Flag!

Mayor: Oh, Jesus Christ! Not this again!

Jimbo: We cannot change the South Park Flag, Mayor!

Chef: Mayor, as I've said before, I find that flag to be racist and insensitive!

Jimbo: Chef, I respect you very much, but you have to understand that this has been the South
Park Flag since some of our ancestors, like my great-grandfather, founded this land!

Chef: That flag represents the time when blacks were persecuted by whites! How can a black
man not be bothered by it?!

Mayor: Alright, Chef! I'll have my assistants hold up the flag, and you tell me what exactly
you find racist about it!

(The two assistants reveal the South Park Flag which depicts a black-coloured stick figure
being hung by a noose with four white-coloured stick figures gathered around with their hands
raised up in cheer, and the words "South Park" at the bottom.)

Chef: You don't see anything wrong with that flag?!

Jimbo: Chef, what about the baseball team, the Clevland Indians, huh?! Should THEY change
their name because it's racist?!

Chef: Yeah!

Jimbo: NO! BECAUSE IT'S THEIR HISTORY!

Chef: Look! I have gone through every quiet protest I could! I've written everyone! I've put
up signs! But now, I'm telling you! THIS FLAG WILL BE CHANGED!

Jimbo: AND I'M TELLING YOU IT WON'T!

Mayor: H'oh, boy!

(Cut to Classroom.)

Mr. Wyland: Okay, children! In Mr. Garrison's absense, I would like to turn the class'
attention to current issues! Some people think the South Park Flag should be changed while
others believe that changing the flag is wrong! I think this is a perfect subject for your
debate club!

South Park Kids: AAAAAW!

Mr. Wyland: I see that you've already had a lot of interesting debates this year! "Pro-Choice
vs. Cartman", "Pro-Gun Control vs. Cartman", and "People Against the Clubbing of Baby Seals
vs. Cartman", and apparently, the winner of all your debates so far has been Cartman!

Cartman: THAT'S RIGHT!

Kyle: Cartman doesn't always win! He just gets pissed-off and goes home so we can't debate
anymore!

South Park Kids: Yeah!

Cartman: N'uh, uh! I'm just a better debator than y'guys!

Stan: You don't even know what your 'bating about half the time!

Cartman: YES, I DO!

Craig: No, you don't!

Cartman: OH, YEAH?! WELL, SCREW Y'GUYS! I'M GOING HOME! (goes out the door and leaves.)

Kyle: Told ya!

Mr. Wyland: Alright, children! Well, unlike Mr. Garrison, I want you all to go out and
research this debate before we pick teams! Tomorrow, you'll need to choose which side of this
pogniant debate you are on!

(South Park Kids all give dumb stares.)

(cut to Jimbo's Front Porch. Jimbo and Ned are talking to Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and two other
kids about his side of the issue.)

Jimbo: This is about history, kids! If you don't have respect for your past, then you can
never expect to...BIRD! (he and Ned shoot a bird that they see.) ...Then you can never expect
to have a future! Nowadays, everyone wants to change mascots and flags because they're not
"politically correct"! Well, where does it end?! I mean, people're gonna start sayin' that
the Denver Broncos are offensive to horses, and then, we'll have to...SQUIRL! (he and Ned
shoot a squirl that they see.) ...And then, we'll have to change everything, and pretty soon,
all our history will be forgotten! But to really understand the South Park Flag's importance,
y'need to know about South Park's history! Ned here's a big history buff, and he can tell ya
the whole story! Ned!

Ned: (on his Voice Box) Mmmmmmm...In 1867, fourteen pioneers from the east coast traveled
across the plain...

Stan: Uh, that...that's okay, dude! I think we got it!

Kyle: Yeah! We got it!

Jimbo: You sure?!

Stan and Kyle: Yep!

Jimbo: You boys go make me prowd now and win that debate...BRENT PETERSON! (he and Ned shoot
Brent Peterson who happened to be walking by.)

Brent Peterson: AAAAAH! (runs away.)

JImbo: D'AW! DAMMIT! WE MISSED 'IM AGAIN!

(Cut to South Park Supermarket. Outside. Chef has a signature sheet for his cause. Wendy,
Bebe, Clyde, and Butters are also hanging around.)

Chef: Sign up to join me as I march into the Mayor's office in protest of the South Park
Flag! (Three people just pass by and enter the supermarket.) You see that, children?! Nobody
wants to get involved! (Randy Marsh comes out of the store.) Randy! Sign up to march with me
against the South Park Flag on Wednesday?!

Randy: Oh! Uh, look, Chef, you know I'm not a racist, but, uh, I just don't really feel
strongly one way or another about the flag!

Chef: Well, alright, Marsh! You're entitled to your own opinion! (Randy leaves.) That's how
it is in this town! I haven't gotten one signature on this damn sheet, and I've been here all
day!

Wendy: We'll march with you, Chef!

Chef: That's nice, but I need the support of some registered voters! (Mr. Mackey exits the
store.) Hey, Mackey! Sign up to march on Wednesday?!

Mr. Mackey: Ooooo! Wednesday?! Wednesday's tough! I guess, maybe I could do somethin', uh,
Thursday afternoon!

Chef: Alright! Fudge it! Thursday! Anyone else wanna go Thursday?! (Principal Victoria
enters.)

Principal Victoria: Thursday's no good! We've got choir counsil!

Mr. Mackey: Oh, yeah!

Principal Victoria: What about next Sunday?!

Chef: Fine! Next Sunday!

(Two men enter.)

Man #1: Y'mean during the ball game?!

Man #2: Oh, yeah! We can't do Sunday!

Chef: Monday?!

Principal Victoria: Oooo! I can't do Monday!

(Another man enters.)

Man #3: I could do Tuesday!

(Two women exit from the store.)

Mr. Mackey: Yeah, Tuesday morning's good!

Man #1: You know what would be better for me, is Saturday afternoon!

Man #2: Saturday is perfect for me!

Principal Victoria: Yeah! How 'bout Saturday at eleven-thirty?!

Man #3: M'hm!

Everyone: Yep, yeah!

Man #3: That sounds good!

Man #2: Yep!

Mr. Mackey: Yeah! I think that's the best day!

Chef: Okay! On Saturday, we march!

Man #2: Ooo! March?! What're we marching for?!

Chef: To bring down the South Park Flag!

Man #2: Ohhhh!

(Everyone starts leaving.)

Man #3: Oh, I gotta go! (leaves.)

Man #1: Uh, marching's really not for me! (leaves.)

Man #2: See ya later! I don't like marching! (leaves.)

(Cut to Classroom. Mr. Wyland has written the tallied class votes. Flag should change -->
Eight. Flag should stay the same --> Eight.)

Mr. Wyland: Well, I've counted up all your secret ballots, children, and it looks like about
half of you think the flag should stay and half think the flag should be changed!

Wendy: How could any of you think that flag should stay the way it is?!

Mr. Wyland: Save it for the debate, Wendy! Now, I'm going to assign the debate leaders! Who
wants to lead the "Flag should stay the way it is!" team?!

Stan and Kyle: (raise their hands.) Me! Me! Me! Me!

Wendy: Stan! How could you be so insensitive?!

Stan: What, dude?! I don't see anything wrong with that flag!

Kyle: Yeah! Me neither!

Mr. Wyland: Alright! Stan and Kyle, you can both be the team leaders for the "Flag should
stay the way it is!" team! Now, who wants to lead the "Flag should be changed!" team?! (Wendy
raises her hand high.)

Cartman: Heh, heh, heh! (Raises his hand.)

Mr. Wyland: Okay! Wendy and Eric can team up!

Wendy: No!

Cartman: Heh, heh, heh, heh!

Mr. Wyland: Alright, children! Do your homework and let's get ready for a great debate!

(Cut to the Cafeteria. Stan and Kyle approach Chef's counter.)

Stan and Kyle: Hello, Chef!

Chef: My name isn't Chef anymore, children! I've converted to Islam!

Stan: Islam?!

Chef: From now on, my name is Abdul Mohammed Jabar-Rauf Kareem Ali! (He has the first three
parts of the name written on his apron and his new Muslim Assistant holding up the rest of
Chef's new name on a white piece of cardboard.) With everyone in town so insensitive about
the flag, I find it no longer fitting to use my slave name!

Stan: Well, we need help with our debate club! We have to explain why we think the flag
should not be changed!

Chef: YOU WHAT?! YOU DON'T THINK THEY SHOULD CHANGE THE FLAG?!

Kyle: Not really!

Stan: Yeah! We don't see what the big deal is!

Chef: Well, that figures you'd know, because your crack-assed parents turned you into
crack-assed cracker racists! I never thought I'd live to see this minute of the people I
considered friends turn against me!

Stan: But Chef, we don't know what you're talking about!

Chef: But nothin'! But my ass! Fix your own damn food! (leaves. His Muslim Assistant runs
after. Stan and Kyle look at each other dumbfoundedly.)

(Cut to the Library. Wendy's group is meeting. Cartman is not there yet.)

Wendy: Okay! Now, in order for us to win the debate to change the South Park Flag, we will
need to do a lot of research! Now, my plan is to divide up in three research teams! We will
present our arguement based on things that...(Cartman enters.)

Cartman: It's okay! I'm here!

(Everyone gives Cartman an angry look.)

Wendy: Nice of you to show up! We were just discussing how we should state our case!

Cartman: Yes! This is a difficult case! In order to win the debate, we will need to attack
Stan and Kyle's credibility!

Wendy: What?!

Cartman: That's how you win these things! Attack your opponent's credibility! Butters, take
some kids and go dig up whatever dirt you can of Kyle's past! I'm talking boobie magazines,
whatever!

Butters: Oooookay! (leaves with his paper and pencil.)

Cartman: The rest of you go get the goods on Stan! His mom grounded him once for setting
something on fire! Let's find out what that something was, and then lie and say it was a
puppy!

Clyde: Right! (Everyone leaves with their paper and pencils except for Cartman and Wendy.)

Cartman: Mmmmmm! (starts snacking on Cheesy Poofs.)

Wendy: Cartman, we can't just attack Stan and Kyle's credibility! We need to present our side
of the debate!

Cartman: You're right! We'll need to look like we've prepared a case too, so that they look
all the weaker! Good plan! So what's the issue again?!

Wendy: THE SOUTH PARK FLAG!

Cartman: Interesting! And what side are we on?!

Wendy: GAAAAAW!

Cartman: Whoa! Calm down, 'ho'! (eats a handful of Cheesy Poofs.)

(Cut to the City Hall. Outside. The protestors are out. Chef is dressed in Golden Muslim
clothing. A News Reporter is giving his oral report for NEWS 4 LIVE!.)

News Reporter: Tom, I'm standing out front of the South Park Mayor's Office where both sides
of this debate have gathered!

Chef: CHANGE THE FLAG!

Jimbo: DON'T CHANGE HISTORY!

Mayor: (from inside looking out.) Oh, brother! What now?!

News Reporter: Earlier today, the South Park townspeople voiced their opinion!

Man #4: (in the NEWS 4 mic.) Well, I think the flag is racist, but then again, it IS part of
our history!

Man #5: (in the NEWS 4 mic.) Well, I guess the flag is part of history, but I can see how it
is racist!

Man #6: (in the NEWS 4 mic.) I think it is history! I think it is racist!

News Reporter: Well, one thing's for sure, tensions are high and pressure is mounting on the
South Park Mayor to do something!

Chef: IN THE 1960s, THERE WAS A MONK WHO SET HIMSELF ON FIRE TO PROTEST! YOU HAVE LEFT ME NO
CHOICE! TO PROTEST YOUR LACK OF HUMANITY, I WILL NOW DO THE SAME THING! (picks up a can of
gasoline and a lighter. pours the gasoline onto a budhist monk sitting beside him. lights the
gasoline setting the monk on fire.)

Budhist Monk: (on fire) WAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(The Ku Klux Klan enter.)

KKK: WHITE POWER! WHITE POWER! WHITE POWER! WHITE POWER!

News Reporter: What's this?! Uh, Tom, it looks as if the KKK has shown up to voice their
opinion!

KKK Member #1: (to Jimbo.) Hello, brother! We're here to support your noble cause!

Jimbo: Huh?! Uh, hey now! Uh, we don't want YOUR support! We're not racists! This is about
history!

Ned: Yeah!

KKK Member #1: Well, whether you want our support or not, we're on your side!

KKK: WHITE POWER! WHITE POWER! WHITE POWER! WHITE POWER! WHITE POWER! WHITE POWER!

Sheila: (spots Mr. Garrison with the KKK.) Mr. Garrison, you're a clan member?!

Mr. Garrison: No, no! But Mr. Hat is! (Mr. Hat is dressed as a KKK Member. As Mr. Hat.) WHITE
POWER! WHITE POWER! (as himself) Aw! You're such a racist bastard, Mr. Hat!

KKK: WHITE POWER!

Chef: CHANGE THE FLAG!

Jimbo: DON'T CHANGE HISTORY!

Mayor: (from inside looking out.) Oh, Jesus! What a mess!

(Cut to inside the Mayor's Office. Chef, still wearing his Golden Muslim clothes, meets with
the Mayor.)

Mayor: Chef, we realize that you find the South Park Flag racist, and we certainly understand
your case! We have been working diligently on this on this problem, put in a lot of hours,
and we have finally altered the flag in a way that we think will make you very happy!
Gentlemen! (the two Assistants reveal the new flag. The new flag looks the same as the old
one, except the black stick-figure on the hanger has a little smile.) There! Is that better?!

Chef: No, dammit!

Mayor: No, but look! He's got a little smile now! (close-up of the depicted black hanging
man. indicates that the black man is smiling.) See?! He's happy! Much better! Don't you
think?! (Chef leaves.) Well, some people just won't work with you at all! This is getting out
of hand! How do I absolve myself of any responsibility with this?!

Assistant #1: Mayor, the South Park Elementary children are discussing the flag issue in
their debate club on Friday!

Assistant #2: We could use the debate as an excuse to hold the vote on the issue!

Mayor: Yes, of course! Let the children be responsible! Everybody loves children! Tell the
press! South Park Elementary will be holding a vote on Friday!

(Cut to Library. Wendy and Cartman are preparing for big debate. Wendy is reading a lot of
books while Cartman is playing with his action figures.)

Wendy: This might come in handy! It says here that recently a case was brought before the
South Carolina Courts about THEIR flag...

Cartman: (As Captain Candy Corn) I warn you, Bog Monster, do not mock Captain Candy Corn! (as
Bog Monster) Oh, yeah?! How would you like I should kick you in the nuts?!

Wendy: If we could show a parallel between the South Carolina...

Cartman: (As Captain Candy Corn) Oh, yeah?! I'll kick YOU in the nuts! (Captain Candy Corn
hits Bog Monster. as Bog Monster) Oof! I'll kick you in the nuts! (As Captain Candy Corn)
I'LL KICK YOU IN THE NUTS!! (Captain Candy Corn's head pops off and into Wendy's face.)

Wendy: CARTMAN, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO HOME?! YOU AREN'T HELPING ANY!

Cartman: You won't let me help!

Wendy: That's because you're stupid, and you're a racist!

Cartman: Touche! But, dude, you might as well let me help you! We're in this together! I
mean, just tell me what to do and I'll do it! (Pause. as Bog Monster) Wendy! Let Cartman
help! Seriously! Wendy! Seriously! The Bog Monster's speaking!

Wendy: (starts smiling and laughing.) Ha, ha, ha!

(Cut to Brovlofski & Jackson Attorneys at Law which is Gerald's office. Stan, Kyle, Kenny,
and the rest of their group are meeting. Kenny is eating a bunch of what appear to be office
mints.)

Kyle: Okay! Since my dad's a lawyer, he says we can use any of his books we want! Who wants
to read them?! (Pause.)

Stan: C'mon, you guys! We all've to work on this!

Kyle: Kenny, how many of my dad's mints're y'gonna eat?! Jesus!

Kenny: {One mint is less than how much we get at home!}

Kyle: I know your family's poor, but you can't just eat an entire bowl of mints for dinner!

Kenny: {Eh, fuck you!} (flips Kyle off.)

Stan: I don't think we stand a chance in this debate, 'cause Wendy's leading the other side!

Kyle: Dude, you're just saying that because she's your girlfriend!

Kenny: (finishes the bowl of what looked like mints.) {Hicup! Hey, can I get a drink of
water?!}

Kyle: Yeah! You can have a drink of water! The dispenser's over there. (points to the water
dispenser.)

Stan: Yeah! You must be thirsty after eating sixty mints!

(Kenny goes to the water dispenser and Gerald enters.)

Gerald: Hey, boys! How's the research comming?!

Kyle: Pretty good, I guess!

Stan: Do you think they should change the flag?!

Gerald: Oh! Uh, I don't know! (notices his supposed mints gone.)

Kyle: Kenny ate all the mints, dad!

Gerald: Oh, those weren't mints! Those were anti-acid tablets!

Kyle: Oh!

Stan and Kyle: (see that Kenny is about to get a drink of water.) KENNY!

Kenny: (drinks the water) {What?!} (starts foaming at the mouth) {OH!
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!} (The foam causes him to expand and expand and
finally explode. Kenny's blood and guts spill all over the room, Gerald, and the kids.)

(Everyone in the room laughs.)

Stan: That was a good one!

(Cut to the City Hall. Outside. The protestors are out again, the KKK, Chef, and Jimbo.)

KKK: WHITE POWER! WHITE POWER!

KKK Member #1: DO NOT CHANGE THE FLAG! IT IS A SYMBOL OF WHITE POWER!

KKK: WHITE POWER!

Mr. Garrison: (to Chef) Oh, I'm sorry, Chef! Mr. Hat is a racist son of a bitch! (as Mr.
Hat.) Don't appologize for me to that spear chucker! (as himself) Huh! (Chef looks
flabbergasted.) Uh, WAAAAAAH! (runs away.)

Chef: (to Officer Barbrady.) How can you all just stand by and let these racist do this?!

Barbrady: Well, Chef, it's freedom of speech! We don't like it, but we can't arrest them for
talking!

News Reporter: (also standing by.) Should the Klan be allowed to rally on the steps of the
capitol?! Here's what some people think!

Man #7: (in the NEWS 4 mic.) Well, I think they are racist, but I do think freedom of speech
is important!

Man #8: (in the NEWS 4 mic.) Well, I, for one, believe in freedom of speech, hmmm, but then
again, I think they are racist!

Man #9: (in the NEWS 4 mic.) Well, I believe that they are racist, but I do believe that...
(Chef butts in.)

Chef: AW, TO HELL WITH ALL OF YOU INDECISIVE BASTARDS!

News Reporter: On Friday, South Park Elementary will present a debate, and after the debate,
there will finally be a vote! Preliminary poles show three in favour of changing the flag,
three against changing the flag, and four-thousand, three-hundred, and eighty-two undecided!
So the presure is on those South Park kids!

KKK Member #1: Well, that's enough rallying for this afternoon, members! Let's take a hot
shower!

KKK: HOT SHOWER! HOT SHOWER! HOT SHOWER! (they leave.)

Jimbo: (to Ned) Ned, nobody's gonna vote for our side if it's the side those KKK members are
on! C'mon! We gotta put a stop to them! (he and Ned leave.)

(Cut to Library. Wendy and Cartman are still preparing for the big debate. Cartman has some
Oreo Double-Stuff cookies set out as a refreshment.)

Wendy: I can't believe it! All the pressure's on US! I mean, this debate is going to actually
affect the outcome of the vote!

Cartman: Uh, huh!

Wendy: Oh, man! We've got to come up with rebutals to the history argument!

Cartman: Why don't we just talk about the swastika?!

Wendy: Huh?!

Cartman: I mean, Germany was united under swastika reicht, but obviously, history wasn't as
important as changing the views after the war and stuff, so they changed it!

Wendy: Hey! That's a pretty good point, Cartman!

Cartman: Yeah!

Wendy: Not bad at all! I'm gonna make that our first argument!

Cartman: Cool!

Wendy: (takes an oreo) Double-Stuff cookies are my favorite! (eats the cookie.)

Cartman: Really?! Mine too! What I really like to do is I like to take the tops off of two
cookies and then put them together and make Quadruple-Stuffs! (does this with two oreos.)

Wendy: Hey! That's what I always do too!

Cartman: No way!

Wendy: Yeah! Jesus! I never thought I'd have anything in common with you, Cartman!

Cartman: Me neither!

(romantic music)

Wendy: Ah, ha, ha!

Cartman: Ah!

Wendy and Cartman: Well anyway, let's get back to work!

Cartman: Whoa!

Wendy: Wierd! Um, okay! Uh, now let's say that first we talk about the history of the flag!
We can show that the... (she and Cartman hold hands as they both reach for cookies. The music
stops and they let go.)

Cartman: Uh, sorry! Go ahead! (pushes the cookies to Wendy.)

Wendy: No! You go ahead! (pushes the cookies to Cartman.)

(Cut to Mr. Garrison's house. Mr. Garrison is talking to Mr. Hat who's still wearing his KKK
tunic.)

Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat, wha'd'ya think you're doing?! (as Mr. Hat) There's another Klan rally
tonight! I have to be there in fifteen minutes! (as himself) Oh no, Mr. Hat! You are not
dragging me to another Klan meeting! (as Mr. Hat) But they're electing a new assistant to the
Grand Dragon! I might get elected! (as himself) Well, good for you, puppet-pants! I'll have
nothing to do with it! (as Mr. Hat) I'm goin' whether you like it or not! (as himself) Oh,
yeah?! (sits down. close-up on Mr. Garrison's head.) I'm not going, Mr. Hat, and that's
final! Let's just see you try and go without me! (Zoom out to reveal that Mr. Hat is missing
from his hand.) Mi'mister Hat!

(Cut to South Park Woods. Open spot. There is a burning cross and the KKK are meeting.)

KKK: WHITE POWER! WHITE POWER! WHITE POWER! WHITE POWER! WHITE POWER!

(Jimbo and Ned pop up from the bushes for a peek at the the KKK's meeting.)

Jimbo: Quiet, Ned! We've got to be careful! These are real evil men we're dealing with!

Ned: (on his voice box) MMMMM...OKAY!

Jimbo: Dammit, Ned! Doesn't that thing have a volume control?!

Ned: NO!

(pan to the meeting.)

KKK: WHITE POWER! WHITE POWER!

KKK Member #1: Good evening, brothers! Our first order of business tonight is to have Brother
Anderson update us on last week's minutes!

Brother Anderson: Last week, we decided we hate Blacks and Jews! A lot!

KKK Member #1: Alright! And now, it's time for us all to come together and do our Cake
Raffle! (holds up a cake.)

KKK: Ah! Oh! Cake Raffle! (hold up their tickets.)

KKK Member #1: This week's winner is...uh, two, nine, seven, four!

KKK Member #2: I won! I won! I won the cake! (goes up to get his cake.)

KKK Member #1: Good job, brother!

(Cut to A Fanasious-Looking Green Pasture. Wendy enters and smells some flowers. Then she
looks to see a Cartman in his black underwear riding a white horse with blonde hair like Lady
Godiva.)

Horse: Whinnnnney!

Wendy: (romantically) Cartman! (Runs towards him.)

(Cartman gets off the horse and runs towards Wendy.)

Cartman: Eh!

(They crawl on top of each other.)

Wendy: Ha, ha!

Cartman: Oh, ho, ho!

(They laugh and roll around in grass and flowers. Finally, Cartman is on top of Wendy.)

Wendy: Say we'll be like this forever!

Cartman: Okay! We will be like this forever!

Wendy: Oh, Cartman!

(Cut to Wendy's Bedroom. The previous scene was all Wendy's dream, or else Cartman's weight
would've crushed her like a grape.)

Wendy: (waking up from this dream.) AAAAH! (Breaths heavily. Dunks her head in the fish
bowl.) Brrrr! What's wrong with me?! (Goes into the washroom. Pan to Wendy's Washroom. There
is a big poster of Russell Crowe next to the door. Wendy enters, turns on the light, and
looks in the mirror. She sticks out her tounge and looks at the pink stuff in her eye.) Sigh!
It's okay! Get a grip, girl! (goes to leave. Just as she is about to turn off the light, she
hears Cartman's voice.)

Cartman: (Off) Wendy! (Wendy looks at the Russell Crowe poster. Russell's head turns into the
Image of Cartman's head which speaks.) Wendy!

Wendy: Aaah!

Cartman: (from on the poster.) Wendy! Look at me!(The image of Cartman's head dissapears
leaving behind Russell's head.)

Wendy: Oh, God! Please don't let this be happening!

(Cut to South Park Woods. KKK Meeting.)

KKK Member #1: Alright, brothers! Listen up! (Jimbo and Ned enter dressed as KKK Members.) As
you know, this fine city is holding a vote on whether or not to change their flag, but
lynching minorities is history! So what're we gonna do about it?!

KKK Member #3: Let's say that if they change the flag, we'll burn down the capitol!

KKK: YEAH!

KKK Member #2: Let's say that if they change the flag, we'll never leave this town!

KKK: YEAH!

Jimbo: Let's say they should change the flag!

KKK: YEAH...huh?!

KKK Member #1: W'what's that, brother?!

Jimbo: I think we should switch sides!

Ned: Mm'me too! M'that's a good idea!

Jimbo: Look! We have to accept the fact that most people in the world hate us! Right?!

KKK: Yeah!

Jimbo: So whatever side WE'RE on is the side that's gonna lose! Right?!

KKK: Right!

Jimbo: So why don't we all say that we want the flag changed! That way, most folks will vote
to keep it the way it is!

(Pause for thought.)

KKK Member #1: THAT'S A GREAT IDEA, BROTHER!

KKK: YEAH!

KKK Member #1: Alright! It is decided! We'll officially tell everyone that we want the flag
changed, so that they will all vote against us!

KKK: HOORAY! YEAH! YEAH!

KKK Member #4: We're smart!

(Jimbo and Ned sneak back into the bushes and remove their white hoods.)

Jimbo: That worked perfectly, Ned!

(Pan back to the meeting)

KKK Member #1: Alright! Well, now that that's out of the way, it is time to play Who's Got
The Silliest Thing On Under Their Robe!

KKK: YEAH! WOO HOO! HOORAY!

(One KKK Member goes to an organ and plays "If You're Happy And You Know It, Clap Your
Hands". Another member steps up and lifts his tunic revealing boxers with little hearts.
Another steps up and reveals German clog shorts underneath his white robe. Another one
reveals a lingerie under his white tunic. Another member lifts up his robe to reveal a Big
Bird costume.)

(Pan to the bushes.)

Jimbo: Jesus, Ned! These guys are completely nuts!

Ned: Mm'yep!

(Pan to the meeting. Another KKK Member lifts up his tunic to reveal that he is actually
doing a hand-stand under all his robe. Finally, another one lifts his robe to reveal that he
has nothing on under it at all.)

(Pan to the woods near a street. Jimbo and Ned are walking home.)

Jimbo: That is the most insane thing I've ever seen! I can't believe those are on OUR side! I
mean, is OUR side that crazy?!

(A car pulls up! It is Chef's car, and Chef is still wearing his Golden muslim get-up.)

Jimbo: Oh! Hello, Chef! Big debate tomorrow, I guess! (Chef looks at him agrily. Jimbo and
Ned see, to their surprise, that they are still wearing their KKK get-ups.) OH, JESUS! THE
ROBES! CHEF! THIS ISN'T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE! Y'GOTTA LISTEN TO US

Chef: I AIN'T GONNA LISTEN TO NOTHIN'! THIS WHOLE CRACKER-ASSED TOWN CAN KISS MY ASS! (Slams
down the gas pedal and leaves. His car sprays some mud all over Jimbo and Ned's white robes.)

Jimbo: Ned, I'm startin' to think that maybe history ain't worth defendin' sometimes!

(Cut to Wendy's House. Wendy and Bebe enter and stand in front of the couch.)

Wendy: Thanks for comming over, Bebe! I have something to tell you!

Bebe: Sure! What!

Wendy: BEBE, I'M ATTRACTED TO CARTMAN!

Bebe: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Wendy: I know!

Bebe: Why would you tell me this?! Why would you tell ANYONE this?!

Wendy: Because I don't know what to do! I can't concentrate, and if I can't concentrate, then
I can't win the debate tomorrow! The whole vote is depending on me doing a good job!

Bebe: Alright, look! When two people work closely for a long time, sometimes they feel what's
called Sexual Tension! Sometimes you just have to act on impulse and get it over with!

Wendy: You mean, I should kiss 'im?!

Bebe: Kiss 'im and get it out of your system!

Wendy: Oh, God!

(Cut to the School Gymnasium. The Big Debate. The original flag hangs up over the podium. On
screen-left sit the "Flag Should Stay The Same" team which includes Stan, Kyle, and two other
guys. On screen-right sit the "Flag Should Change" team which includes Wendy, Cartman,
Tokken, and Butters. There is a large audience which includes Chef in his Golden Muslim
get-up. Mr. Wyland takes the podium.)

Mr. Wyland: Well, I certainly would like to thank all the parents for their support of our
debate club! I realize that many of you are torn by the issues as well, so perhaps, the
children can shead some light on us! We'll start with Wendy Testaburger on the "Flag Should
Be Changed" team! (leaves the podim.)

(Wendy takes the podium.)

Wendy: (Pauses for a long time.) The...! The, uh! Ahem! The...! The, uh! Ahhh! (heavy
breaths.) Sigh! The first arguement we...! (Cartman and Stan look at her.) Uh! Le'me start
over! The, uh! Oh, God! Could you all excuse me for a moment?! (goes over to Cartman and
kisses him.) MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

Everyone: Ooooo! Oh! Huh?! Oh, God!

(Everyone looks stunned, especially Stan.)

Wendy: (still kissing Cartman.) MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! (stops.) Sigh! (goes back
to the podium.) There! Now, the main point we would like to make is that often-times, it is
prudent to change history! As times change, we yield to grow, and as we grow, our rules must
change! It is a natural part of evolution! Thank you! (takes her seat to a few claps from the
audience.)

Mr. Wyland: Okay, and Kyle and Stan's team, you're main point!

(Kyle takes the podim as Stan still sits there stunned and stiff.)

Kyle: Our main point is that the flag shouldn't offend anyone, because killing has been
around since the beginning of time! (Stan looks at Cartman, still stunned. Cartman
fingerbangs Stan and does the Screw-You dance.) All animals kill, and the animals that don't
kill are stupid ones, like cows and turtles and stuff! So people should not be so upset about
killing! Thank you! (takes his seat to a few claps.)

Chef: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You just missed the point entirely!

Kyle: Huh?!

Chef: I'm not mad because the flag shows somebody getting killed! It's because it's racist!

"Flag Should Stay The Same" Team: (except Stan.) RACIST?!

Chef: Children! Don't you even know what this argument is about?! That flag is racist because
a black man is being hung by white people!

"Flag Should Stay The Same" Team: (except Stan.) OHHHHHHHH!

Chef: OHHHHHHHH?!

Kyle: We didn't really see it that way!

Chef: But that's a black man up there!

Kyle: Yeah, but the colour of someone's skin doesn't matter!

Chef: Well, of course it matters when...! Oh, my God! Wait a minute! You children didn't even
see the flag as a black man being hanged by white people, did you?!

"Flag Should Stay The Same" Team: (except Stan.) NO!

Chef: Why, that is...that is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard!

Mayor: What?!

Mr. Wyland: What?!

Chef: Don't you see?! All this time, I though these little crackers had turned racist, when
actually, they were so not-racist that they didn't even make a separtation of black and white
to begin with! All they saw when they looked at that flag was five people!

Everyone: Awe!

KKK: Awe!

Kyle: Yeah!

(Cartman is still doing the Screw-You dance at Stan.)

Chef: I'm sorry, children! I was wrong about you, but I still think the flag needs to be
changed, but now, I realize that I almost let racism turn ME into a racist!

Jimbo: Yeah, you know! I'I suddenly found myself on the side of Klan members! I've never had
anything against blacks, Chef!

Chef: Aw, I know y'don't, Jimbo! I've known you for almost ten years! You're a good man!

Jimbo: We've been way too devisive over this, Chef! Maybe we can come up with a compromise
flag! Something that everybody can be happy with!

Chef: I think that's a much better start than me tryin' to separate myself from all you
wonderful crackers!

Everyone: Oh!

Kyle: Oh! Sweet, dude! I don't think we have to do this stupid debate now! (Cartman is still
doing the Screw-You dance at a stunned Stan.) Stan?! (Kyle runs his hand in front of Stan's
face.)

(Cut to City Hall. Outside. There is a big red curtain hanging over the podium from where the
Mayor is speaking.)

Mayor: This has been an interesting week in South Park! We've all done a lot growing this
week! Everyone was afraid to take a stand on this issue, but now we have learned once again
that black, white, yellow, brown, or whatever, we are all just people! And so, I am very
excited to unveil our New South Park Flag! (The two assistants remove the red curtain to
reveal the new flag. It shows five people of five different colours, white, yellow, two
black, and red, holding hands, although one of the black guys is still hanging. Everyone
cheers delightfully. Pan to where Stan and Kyle are standing.)

Stan: Wait! I don't get it!

Kyle: No! See?! There's people of all colours, and they've added a black guy as one of the
hangers too, so it's not racist!

(Pan to where Jimbo and Chef are standing.)

Chef: HOORAY!

Jimbo: I have to admit it! That is a lot nicer!

(Pan to where Wendy and Cartman are standing.)

Wendy: Whew! I'm sure glad that's over with!

Cartman: Me too!

Wendy: I can't believe how right Bebe was about feeling under pressure with somebody! As soon
as it was over, all my feelings for you just vanished!

Cartman: Oh! Heh! Yeah! Yeah, totally!

Wendy: And totally back to normal! See ya later! (everyone leaves except for Wendy and
Cartman.)

Cartman: Yeah! See ya later, ho! Heh, heh! Heh! Heh, heh!

Wendy: Ha, ha!

Cartman: Heh!

Wendy: (starts to leave.) STAN! STAN, WAIT UP! (leaves.)

(Cartman stands alone. He looks down-hearted. He breaths a sigh and leaves very slowly and
very lonely-feeling.)

(Closing Credits. The End.)