Fingerbang
(Something You Can Do With Your Finger)
Episode #409
Transcribed by Lee Estall ([email protected])
(Open to Madison Square Gardens. There is a huge audience of females, and there are spotlights moving around pointing to the air. There is a sign saying "Tonight Only. Madison Square Garden Prowdly Presents Fingerbang.)
Announcer: Tonight, Stellar Productions presents the boy-band of the decade! (the girls all start screaming.) It's Fingerbang live from Madison Square Gardens!
(As the girls are still screaming, the spotlights flicker, a small sound gets bigger and makes a bang, flames start to show, and Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman appear from out of nowhere wearing white get-ups. The four boys are Fingerbang.)
Fingerbang: (singing, as girls are screaming and fainting.) Fingerbang! Bang! Bang! Fingerbang Bang! Bang, bang, bang! I'm gonna Fingerbang bang you into my life! Girl, you like to Fingerbang and it's alright! (one girl goes into a frenzy of screams.) 'Cause I'm the king of Fingerbang, and let's not fight! I'll just Fingerbang bang you every night!
Cartman: (steps closer to the audience as the music gets softer. sings softly.) And girl, you know that you're the only girl for me! Girl! Girl, you're the girl of my fantasy!
Girl #1: (in the front row) Cartman, I want you!
Cartman: (still sings.) Girl! Girl, you're my girl! My girl! (lifts up the right side of his shirt to reveal his breast. The music picks up and he rejoins his group.) FINGERBANG! (girls are screaming.)
Fingerbang: (singing) Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Fingerbang Bang! Bang, bang, bang! I'm gonna Fingerbang bang you into my life! Sure, you like to Fingerbang and it's alright! (the music stops)
(Soft Cut to Cartman's Bedroom. Cartman is talking in his sleep. The previous scene is what he is dreaming.)
Cartman: Yes! Yes! Yes, I'm a star! I'm a star! I'm...! (wakes up) Awwwww! I'm nobody! Goddammit! Wait a minute! Maybe that was a sign from God! (to the ceiling) That's it, isn't it!? You want me to start a boy-band so I can make ten-million dollars, don't you!? That's it! (Gets up!)
(Cut to Cartman's House. Later that day. Cartman has invited Kenny, Kyle, and Stan over for a meeting.)
Cartman: Gentlemen, thank you for comming! This is the beginning of a great time in our lives! God has finally spoken to me, guys, and he has told me how I can make ten million dollars!
Kyle: How?!
Cartman: Boy-band!
Stan: Boy-band?!
Cartman: Boy-band!
Kyle: I'm not being in any faggy boy-band!
Cartman: THERE'S NOTHING FAGGY ABOUT TEN MILLION DOLLARS, ASSHOLE! THIS WAS A MESSAGE FROM GOD!
Stan: Dude, we don't have any musical tallent!
Cartman: That didn't stop any of the other boy-bands, dumbass! (takes out a cassette.) I've got pre-recorded music we can sing to just like they do! All we need to do is practice our choreography over and over and over!
Kenny: {This is so fuckin' stupid!}
Cartman: Shup, Kenny! And then, I know I can get us a gig at the South Park Mall! So everybody, get in a straight line! We're gonna listen to the song from the top and...!
Kyle: Wait a minute! There's only four of us!
Cartman: So?!
Kyle: So, all boy-bands have five members!
Cartman: What?!
Kyle: N'Sync, Backstreet Boys, New Kids On The Block, all had five members!
Stan: He's right!
Cartman: DAMMIT! Okayokayokayokayokay! We'll put up with four members for now, and hold auditions for a fifth member! Get the word out that auditions will be tomorrow morining!
(Cut to Stan's House. Shelly, Sharron, Randy, Stan, and Grandpa are eating dinner.)
Sharron: Did you have fun at Eric's house today, Stanley?!
Stan: I guess!
Sharron: What did you do?!
Stan: Well, Cartman wants to start a boy-band, so we're gonna rehearse and then try to perform at the South Park Mall!
Randy: (Nearly chokes on his meal) Eh! (stares wide-eyed)
Sharron: Oh, well that sounds nice!
Randy: No, it does not sound nice! Stanley, you are gonna have no part in that boy-band!
Stan: Well, but dad, all my friends are doing it!
Randy: IF ALL YOUR FRIENDS JUMPED OFF A CLIFF, WOULD YOU DO THAT TOO?!
Stan: Cartman says we can make ten million dollars!
Randy: YOU ARE NOT GONNA BE IN A BOY-BAND, STANLEY, AND THAT IS FINAL! (runs out.)
Shelly: Geez! What's up dad's ass?!
(Cut to Cartman's House. The next morning. The Auditions. There is a sign on Cartman's door saying "Boy-Band Auditions Today". Pan inside. Butters is auditioning. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman are sitting at a table. Cartman has a microphone. There is a little piano player that reminds you of Schroder from Peanuts.)
Butters: (singing.) Little Bunny-Foo-Foo hoppin' through the forest, scoopin' up the field mice and boppin'em on the head! Down came the White Angel and she said, "Little Bunny-Foo-Foo, I don't wanna see you scoopin' up the field mice and boppin'em on the head, so now I'm gonna turn you into a worm, mBu'mBu'Bunny-Foo-Foo!"! Eh! Eh, POOF! Little Wormy-Foo-Foo crawlin' through the forest and he scooped up all the field mice and he bopped...and they bopped'im on the head!
Cartman: (on his mic.) 'Kay! Thank you, Butters! We'll let y'know!
Butters: Uh, I can do it again!
Cartman: (on his mic.) We'll let y'know, Butters!
Butters: Welllllll, alright then! (leaves.)
Cartman: Phhhh! Oh, my God! His intonation was so off!
Kyle: It was?!
Stan: Dude, I don't think I can sing any better than that!
Cartman: Guys, if we're gonna impress the mall owner and get that gig, we'd better do it better than that! (on his mic.) NEXT!
Stan: Uh, next is Ike Broflovski!
Cartman: KYLE'S BROTHER?!
Kyle: I promised my mom I'd let 'im try!
(Ike enters with some sheet music)
Cartman: Christ sake!
(Ike gives the sheet music to the Schroder look-alike.)
Schroder Look-Alike: (ask's Ike) What seat?!
Ike: Gee! (steps up as the Schroder look-alike starts playing. sings.) Itsy-Bitsy Spider w'a'do wah spout!
Cartman: (on his mic.) NEXT!
Ike: (sings.) Oh, Danny-Boy! Oo, depa din callin' gwantlanin glan!
Cartman: (on his mic.) NEXT AUDITION!
Ike: (sings.) Ee-yep chi! Eichai jeykay al manen pee!
Cartman: (on his mic.) GODDAMMIT! NEXT!
Ike: (sings.) Koo-waaaar estand teeyu bee! I wen' an'a teacher wanna punch me!
Cartman: (on his mic.) NOT THE NEXT SONG! THE NEXT PERSON!
(Ike takes his sheet music, flips Cartman the finger, and leaves.)
Cartman: Oh, man! This is gonna be a long-assed day! (Wendy enters with HER sheet music which she gives to the little piano-playing kid. Cartman talks on his mic again.) Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Sorry, Wendy! This is tryouts for a BOY-band!
Stan: Aw, c'mon, dude! Let'er try!
Cartman: No way!
Kyle: C'mon, Cartman! Y'aven't liked anybody else!
Cartman: (on his mic.) Okay, okay, fine! Wow me!
Wendy: (the music starts. she sings.) Mrs. Landers was a help-maid! She cooked food in a wok! Mr. Harris was her boyfriend and he had a great big___Cock-a-doodle-doodle! The rooster just crowed great, and I don't want my breakfast, because it tastes like___Shih tzus make good house pets! They're cuddly and sweet! Monkeys aren't good to have 'cause they like to beat___They're meeting in the office or meeting in the hall! The bossy want's to see you can suck___Hisbalzek was a writer! He lived with Allen Funt! Mrs. Roberts didn't like him, but that's 'cause she's a___Contaminated water can really make you sick! Your bladder gets infected and blood comes out your___Dictate what I'm saying, 'cause it will bring you luck, and if you all don't like it, I don't give a flying fuck!
(Kenny, Kyle, and Stan applaud Wendy.)
Cartman: (on his mic.) Thanks, Wendy! Don't call us! We won't call you either! Heh, heh!
(Wendy looks angry.)
Kyle: Dude! What're you talking about?! That was awesome!
Cartman: Dude, she's a chick!
Stan: C'mon! Nobody's gonna notice!
Cartman: NOBODY'S GONNA NOTICE?! WHAT ABOUT HER HUGE FRICKIN' HOOTERS, HUH?!
(Wendy spreads her arms to look at her chest.)
Stan: She's the best chance we have! I say she's in!
Kyle: Me too!
Kenny: {Me too!}
Cartman: Oh! This is a democratic boy-band, is it?! Alright! Fine! She's in until she screws up!
Wendy: Yeah!
(Cut to Cartman's Bedroom. The next morning. The four boys and Wendy are having an early morning rehearsal.)
Cartman: Okay! Y'guys all ready to rehearse?!
Stan: Cartman, it's six in the morining! Do we have to rehearse this early?!
Cartman: We have to rehearse all that we can! Now, check this out! (brings out a box of costumes.) My mom made us costumes!
Stan: Costumes?!
Cartman: Yeah! (hands out the costumes.) This one's yours, Stan, and this one is Kyle's! This one will cover up Wendy's hooters!
Stan: (looks at Cartman's costume.) Hey, Cartman, how come your costume has, like, nose-rings and facial hair?!
Cartman: 'Cause I'm, like y'know, the tough one! Every boy band has to have the one member that, y'know, is tough!
Kyle: I wanna be the tough one!
Cartman: (pause) Kyle, you are the sweet one! Will you please just co-operate and not...!
Kyle: I wanna be the tough one!
Cartman: You can't BE the tough one, because you're JEWISH!
Kyle: JEWS ARE TOUGH!
Cartman: SINCE WHEN?!
Kyle: SINCE ABRAHAM, FATASS!
Cartman: ALRIGHT, FINE! HERE! (tosses Kyle the Tough One costume.) Jesus Christ! I wonder if every boy band hadda go through this!
(Stan has his costume on and he looks a lot like an airplane pilot. Kyle puts on the Tough One get-up which consists of a mustash, and black-leather jacket, and a medalion. Cartman puts on a white jumper with a blue cravat and gold stars on the sleeves and collar. Kenny wears a blue shirt and a blue baseball cap. Wendy is wearing a formal vest, wide see-through sunglasses, and a berret in which she hides her long hair.)
Stan: Hey, Cartman, what does "Fingerbang" mean anyways?!
Cartman: I heard it on HBO! It means, like y'know, when you pretend to use your finger like a gun or something!
Kenny: {Ha, ha, ha! That's not what it means!}
Stan: Kenny says that's not what it means!
Cartman: Okay, Kenny! What does "Fingerbang" mean then?!
Kenny: {It's when you take your finger and you stick it in a pussy and you stick it in and in!}
Cartman: WHAT?! WHO THE HELL WOULD DO THAT?! JESUS CHRIST! GROW UP, KENNY! WOULD YOU?! Alright, boys! Let's do it from the top! ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...!
(Cut to the South Park Mall. Two Mall Cops are on the watch and guarding the door to the Mall Management Office.)
Mall Cop #1: Now, I know that this is your first day on the job of Mall Security, rookie! Keepin' the law in a mall is just like any tough city, and especially because they don't let us have guns, it can be very dangerous!
(Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Wendy enter in their costumes. Cartman is carying a boom-box.)
Cartman: Alright, guys! Just do it like we rehearsed! We need energy! We need to be up!
Mall Cop #1: (to Cartman) Excuse me! Just where d'you think you're going?!
Cartman: We're gonna see the Mall Manager!
Mall Cop #1: Do you have the proper clearance?!
Stan: Uh, oh! Mall Cops!
Mall Cop #1: You have to make an appointment first! Now, move along, sir!
Cartman: But we practiced for days! All we wanna do is show the guy what we can do, so that maybe, we'll have a chance to perform in the plaza of the...! (Mall Cop #1 sprays Cartman's eyes with pepper spray.) AH! AH! OW! OW! OH! GODDAMMIT!
Kyle: JESUS CHRIST, DUDE!
Cartman: AW, GAWD! I CAN'T SEE!
Mall Cop #1: Move along, sir, or I'll do it again! (The kids leave.) Y'see! You put your life on the line everyday!
(Pan to another part of the Mall where the five kids are. Cartman is still rubbing his eyes from the pepper spray.)
Stan: Well, I guess we can't get in to see the Mall Manager!
Cartman: Ha-cough! Ha-cough! THE HELL WE CAN'T! I'M NOT LETTIN' NO WASHED-UP MALL COPS RUIN MY DIVINE QUEST! C'MON! (the five kids exit the scene.)
(Cut to the South Park Mall. Later. The Management Office Door. The two Mall Cops are still guarding it. Shoppers are passing by.)
Mall Cop #1: (to a Man passing by.) HEY! What're you doin'?!
Man #1: Nothin'! Just...shopping!
Mall Cop #1: Move along, sir! (Man #1 complies.) Y'see?! Sometimes y'gotta just do that! Keeps shoppers on their toes! Try it!
Mall Cop #2: (to a woman and her child who are passing by.) HEY! What're you doin'?!
Woman #1: Nothing! Why?!
Mall Cop #2: Move along, ma'am! (Woman #1 and her child comply.)
Mall Cop #1: That's what bein' a mall cop is all about! Eh'yep!
Mall Cop #2: Cool!
Cartman: (On the PA) Attention, mall shoppers! The next twenty people to buy an Orange Smoothie will also receive a complimentary Nissan Sentra! Hurry up!
(A whole crowd of people run by the two Mall Cops in excitement.)
Mall Cop #1: JESUS! THEY'RE GONNA START A RIOT! (the two Mall Cops run after the crowd leaving the Mall Management Door unguarded. The five kids in their costumes walk up to the door.)
Cartman: Alright, guys! Here we go! (opens the door, and they all walk in.)
(Pan into the Mall Management Office. The five kids enter the office of the Mall Manager.)
Cartman: Hello, sir!
Mall Manager: What?! Hey! Who're you?!
Cartman: We are Fingerbang!
Mall Manager: Oh! What?! How'd you get in here?! Hey!
Cartman: We would like to audition for you for a gig in the central plaza of your fine mall!
Mall Manager: What?! Oh! You wanna play at the mall?! Like Tiffany?!
Cartman: Sort of like Tiffany! Yes! Can we audition?!
Mall Manager: Oh! Well! I guess! What?!
Cartman: ALRIGHT! LET'S DO IT, BOYS! (turns on his boom-box and the music starts.)
Fingerbang: (singing really crappily.) Gonna Fingerbang bang you into my life! Girl, you like to Fingerbang and that's alright! I'll Fingerbang bang you every night!
Cartman: (thinking back to his dream but singing crappily.) And girl, y'know, you're the girl! You're the girl! You're the girl of my dreams! You're the girl! You're the girl! You're the girl of my dreams!
Mall Manager: OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH!
Cartman: (Still singing crappily.) You're my fantasy! You're my fantasy!
Mall Manager: THANK YOU!
Cartman: Well, so can we play here?!
Mall Manager: What?! No!
Cartman: NO?!
Mall Manager: Who?! No!
Cartman: Why not?!
Mall Manager: Well, uh, uh, oh, right now, there's a Cheese and Sausage Cart in the plaza, and I would, uh...I'd hate to have to move it off to the side for a while! What?!
Cartman: You don't think we're any good, do you?!
Mall Manager: No! I mean, you're just not quite as good as sausage and cheese!
Cartman: Well, c'mon, guys! We gave it our best!
Mall Manager: Wow! That was your best?!
(Cut to the bench in front of the Mall's Skating Rink. The five kids sit and sulk.)
Kyle: Wow! I feel so rejected!
Stan: Yeah!
(Mall Cops enter all covered in Orange Smoothie.)
Mall Cop #1: (seeing the five kids.) There you are! You're the hoodlums who got on the intercom and started an Orange Smoothie Riot!
Stan: Uh, oh!
Mall Cop #1: I will now read you your mall rights! You have the right to shop at a variety of malls...!
Kyle: RUN FOR IT! (the five kids leave quickly.)
Mall Cop #1: GO GIT'EM, ROOKIE! (They both just stand there covered in Orange Smoothie.)
(Cut to Stan's House. The Kitchen. Shelly is eating her favourite cereal, Sharron is doing dishes, and Randy enters.)
Randy: Where's Stan?!
Sharron: Oh, he's over at Eric's house practicing for his boy-band!
Randy: WHAT?! I SPECIFICALLY TOLD HIM NOT TO DO THAT!
Sharron: Now, Randy! Calm down! It's just a silly little dream! They're not gonna actually make it!
Randy: And what if they DO make it, Sharron?! What if they DO make it?! Are YOU gonna be the one to tell'im?! (leaves and goes out the door.)
Shelly: Mum, what's up Dad's ass?!
Sharron: It's a long story, Shelly! Let's just say your father...has a lot up his ass right now!
(Cut to Chef's house. Outside. Cartman approaches the door and rings the doorbell. Chef answers the door wearing nothing but his chef's hat and a purple towel around his body.)
Chef: Oh, uh, hello Eric!
Cartman: (hanging his head.) Problem, Chef! I have m'many problems!
Chef: Well! If you, uh, come back in just a little bit, Eric, I will see if I can help you out! (Chef's Girl shows up at the door as well.)
Cartman: I just don't know know what I'm gonna do! (goes in.) Sometimes, I wonder if God is just toying with me!
(Pan inside. Cartman sits on Chef's couch eating Cheesy Poofs and Chef sits next to him.)
Chef: Alright, Eric! What's the matter?!
Cartman: Chef, God told me I was to start a boy-band and make ten-million dollars! The problem is it isn't working! I mean, I feel the music burning inside me, but I just can't express it right! Y'know?!
Chef: (his girl joins him.) Well, Eric, I'I think you were just focusing-in on the wrong thing! Boy-bands aren't about music! Boy-bands are created by corporations to make money! They're all based on the Gomlisch Effect!
Cartman: What's the Gom-lick Effect?!
Chef: The law of physics that states if one girl screams for something, it will make other girls scream, and then, it grows exponentiously until all girls within a five mile radius are screaming!
Cartman: So how do boy-bands use that?!
Chef: All they do is make videos showing tons and tons of girls screaming for the boy-bands! Once you get girls screamin', y'can't stop'em! They're crazy! E'except for Lillen, of course! (indicating his current girl.)
Cartman: THANKS!
Chef: You're welcome! Now, go away!
Cartman: OKAY! (starts to leave.)
Chef: AND A CUCUMBER IN THE PANTS NEVER HURT EITHER!
Cartman: (on his way out.) CUCUMBER IN THE PANTS! GOT IT! (leaves.)
(Cut to the School Playground. The five Fingerbang members, in costume, and four girls, including Bebe, are meeting. Cartman has a cucumber in his pants.)
Cartman: Alright, everybody! Listen up! This is how this first shot is gonna work! The girls are standing here, and then the members of the band walk by looking kewl! When you see us, you girls all scream like "OH, MY GOD! IT'S FINGERBANG! OH, MY GOD!"! Okay?!
Bebe: Are we gonna get paid now or after?!
Cartman: I'll pay y'afterwards! Promise! Okay, Timmy! Roll Camera!
Timmy: (using the video camera.) TIMMEH!
Kyle: (looks at Cartman) Dude! What's wrong with your leg?!
Cartman: Huh?! Oh, Chef said to put a cucumber down my pants for good luck!
(The video shoot starts. The five members walk by the girls as the camera is rolling.)
Girls: (hardly screaming.) Wow! Woo hoo! Wow!
Cartman: Wait, wait, wait, wait! CUT!
Timmy: (stops the camera.) AHHAAA!
Cartman: Y'have t'go crazier than that! I mean, y'have t'act like it's friggin' Leonardo DiCaprio!
Bebe: We wouldn't give a rat's ass if Leonardo DiCaprio came walking past us!
Girls: YEAH!
Cartman: Fine! Who would you go crazy for?!
Girls: MATT LAUER!
Cartman: Okay, fine! Pretend that we're Matt Lauer!
Bebe: Oh! Okay!
Cartman: OKAY! ROLL CAMERA!
Timmy: (starts the camera again.) TIMMEH!
(The video shoot starts again. The five band members walk by the girls.)
Girls: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
(Sends the five band members flying everywhere.)
Cartman: JESUS CHRIST!
(Cut to School Playground. Later. Everyone is just finishing up the last shoot of the video. The girls are still screaming and cuddling up the the five Fingerbang members.)
Fingerbang: (singing) Fingerbang bang you every night!
Cartman: AND CUT! (the shoot is over.) Alright! Our video's complete! Through the Grace of God, I can now go back to that Mall Manager and SHOW HIM WHAT WE'VE GOT!
Bebe: Okay, so where's our money?!
Cartman: Oh, uh, Kyle has it!
(The girls approach Kyle to bother him for their pay. Randy Marsh enters and approaches Stan.)
Randy: Stanley, what the hell are you doing?!
Stan: We were making a music video!
Randy: You git in the truck right now!
Stan: Dad, I was just hanging...
Randy: GIT IN THE TRUCK! (Stan walks slowly towards the Marsh family truck.)
(Cut to the Marsh Family Truck as Randy is driving it home with Stan as his passanger or prisoner depending on how well you're following the story.)
Stan: Dad, I did all my chores! Why can't I play with my friends?!
Randy: Stanley, it's just that there's better things you could be doing on a Saturday than singing and dancing! You could be watching TV or laying in bed!
Stan: Dad, I like being in a boy-band! I think it's interesting!
Randy: Well, there's plenty of other "interesting" things you can do! Have you ever tried marijuana?!
Stan: NO!
Randy: Well, maybe it's time!
Stan: DAD!
(Cut to the South Park Mall. The two Mall Cops are guarding the door to the Mall Manager's Office.)
Mall Cop #1: (to a passer-by holding a jar of a strange green liquid.) HEY! What're you doing?!
Man #2: I've got a new strain of anthrax that I will soon unleash upon all of North America!
Mall Cop #1: Move along, sir!
Man #2: Huh?! (leaves.)
Cartman: (On the PA System.) Attention, shoppers! There are naked people at the Orange Smoothie machine! There are naked people at the Orange...!
(a whole crowd of people run past the two Mall Cops in exitement, and the two Mall Cops case after the mob.)
(Cut to the Mall Management Office. Cartman enters with the video.)
Cartman: Hello again!
Mall Manager: What?! Oh! It's you! I don't like you!
Cartman: I know you didn't love our audition, but now we have a video!
Mall Manager: Oh! What?!
Cartman: If you would, sir, just watch this and prepare to be wowed! (gets out a TV and VCR and pops the video on.)
(On the video, we can only see the playground and the foreheads of the members of Fingerbang, with the song playing in the background. The camera-shot moves and we can only see the feet of the girls and the snow on the ground. The camera-shot moves again and we see a close up of Timmy.)
Timmy: (on video) TIMMEH!
(The camera moves again showing the girls talking among themselves and then showing Cartman. The camera then zooms in on the cucumber placed in Cartman's pants.)
Cartman: Oh, Goddammit! Our camera-guy kinda sucks, but this next shot we did was really cool!
(Next, the video shows the Fingerbang members about to pass the girls, but just before the girls scream, the camera moves again revealing a close-up of Timmy.)
Timmy: (on video) HAAAAAA! (backs up his wheelchair to reveal his whole self. starts dancing.) TIMMAH! TIMMEH-TIMMAH!
Cartman: SON OF A BITCH!
Mall Manager: Hey! This video's dumb!
Cartman: You don't understand! Girls were going crazy for us! Please! This is what God wants me to do! Please!
Mall Manager: Alright, alright! What?! Oh, I guess I could move the sausage and cheese cart off to one side, for a little while!
Cartman: Really?! You will?!
Mall Manager: Only for twenty minutes though!
Cartman: That's all we'll need! How 'bout this afternoon at three o'clock?!
Mall Manager: Oh! Okay!
Cartman: YES! THANK YOU, SIR! YOU WILL NOT BE DISSAPPOINTED!
(Suddenly, the video reveals Mr. Mackey dressed in leather straps and garders chained to the wall. Next to him is Dee-Anne Cartman also dressed in leather straps and garders.)
Mr. Mackey: (on video) Oh! Mrs. Cartman! I've been a very bad! M'kay?!
Dee-Anne: (on video) You have been bad, Mr. Mackey, so you're gonna have to drink from this glass! (goes pee-pee in a glass.)
Mr. Mackey: (on video) Oh, yeah! That makes me hot! M'kay?!
Cartman: AW, MOM!
Mall Manager: Wow! What?!
(Cut to Stan's house. Randy has Stan seated on the couch.)
Stan: It's not fair, Dad! Why can't I be in a boy-band?!
Randy: Because I said so!
Stan: Dad, Cartman said we're gonna perform at the mall at three o'clock! My friends are gonna be pissed off at me!
Randy: Let'em be pissed off then!
Stan: I don't understand! Just let me go do this one thing and I won't...!
Randy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Bangs his head against a glass display case with glass dishes. CRASH! Broken glass everywhere.)
Stan: Dad! What the hell is going on?!
Randy: I was, I was eighteen when my high school men's choir performed at the grand opening of a sporting goods store in Denver!
(Cut to Randy's High School Years. The Denver Sporting-Goods Store. Grand Opening.)
Choir: (including Young Randy Marsh. signing.) Everything will wake! We, all ye little reigns...!
Randy: (voice over.) I was just one of fifteen members, and I had no idea that a record producer was in the audience!
Choir: (singing.) ...All around our trail!
(Applause from a spectating audience. A Record Producer approaches Young Randy.)
Record Producer: Kid, can I talk to you?!
Young Randy: Uh, sure!
Record Producer: Eh, you were really great up there, too good for a piss-ant choir and a piss-ant mountain town!
Young Randy: Oh! Thanks!
Record Producer: Listen! I'm putting together a rock group, a vocal group called The Ghetto Avenue Boys! I think you would make a perfect member!
Young Randy: What?! Me?! You like my singing that much?!
Record Producer: Yeah! I think your mustach is perfect! How would you like to come to New York and start a singing career?!
Young Randy: Oh, my God! I don't know! I mean, I still have another year of high school and I...!
Record Producer: Hey! Look! If you don't want it, I'll keep looking!
Young Randy: No! Wait! I mean, I'll think about it!
Record Producer: I take it that means Yes! Call me in the morning! (pats Young Randy on the chest and leaves.)
Randy: (voice over.) And just like that, I left everything! I dropped out of high school,...!
(Fast-Cut to Denver High School. Young Randy's years.)
Young Randy: (to the High School.) See ya!
Randy: (voice over.) ...I said good-bye to my girlfriend,...!
(Fast-Cut to a bench in the park where sits what might be Young Sharron, as Young Randy waves good-bye to her.)
Young Randy: (to Young Sharron.) Slea-yuh!
Randy: (voice over.) ...And I left my family!
(Fast-Cut to Young Randy's House. Young Randy's Mom and Dad stand at the door looking at their son driving away in his booger-green wreck of a car.)
Young Randy: (to his parents) Slea-yuh!
(Fast-Cut to the Record Producer's Recording Studio. Young Randy is there with four other teens his age, The Ghetto Avenue Boys)
Randy: (voice over.) And suddenly, there I was, thrown into a group with four other young men who I didn't even know!
Record Producer: Take one-hundred and twelve!
The Ghetto Avenue Boys: (singing.) You've got IT! You know you've got IT!
Young Randy: (sings.) Girl!
The Ghetto Avenue Boys: (singing.) What you've got is IT!
Randy: (voice over.) The songs were terrible, but believe it or not, the country ate them up!
(Fast-cut to Central Park. Night. There is a stage set up with bright lights and the Ghetto Avenue Boys are performing.)
The Ghetto Avenue Boys: (singing.) You've got IT! IT is what you've got, girl!
Randy: (voice over.) The next thing I knew, we were the biggest thing in the world!
The Ghetto Avenue Boys: (singing.) What you've got is IT!
Young Randy: (sings.) Now, give it to me, cause...!
(Fast-cut to Young Randy's Mansion. Young Randy is swimming in his pool wiht all kinds of girls.)
Randy: (voice over.) I had everything! A hugh house... (Fast-cut to a purple bed with a line-up of girls. Randy rolls his body over the girls' boobs.) ...and all the women you can imagine! And then one day, just as quick as it started...!
(Fast-cut to the Recording Studio. The Ghetto Avenue Boys enter as the Record Procucer is recording another record.)
Record Producer: Alright, guys! Let's take it from the top!
Young Randy: Hey, Mr. Allens!
Record Producer: Heh?! Oh! Uh! R'Randy!
Young Randy: Who are they?! (pointing to the five OTHER teenaged youngsters who are recording a song.)
Record Producer: These are the Avenue Ghetto Street Boys, my...NEW boy-band!
Young Randy: But, WE'RE still selling records! Right?!
Record Producer: Look! Kid! You're just getting a little old to be in a boy-band!
Young Randy: I'm nineteen!
Record Producer: GET A LIFE, MARSH! (to his NEW boy-bandy.) Alright, guys! Let's take it from the top! (Young Randy and the Ghetto Avenue Boys leave.)
Randy: (voice over.) They said that after all the money we had made, we were in debt to the studio, so they towed my car,...
(Fast-Cut to a Street with Palm Trees. Randy's new black car is on a Tacos Tow Truck. The Tacos Tow Man waves at Young Randy who is standing by.)
Tacos Tow Man: Slea-yuh! (drives away.)
(Fast-cut to the Purple Bed with all of Young Randy's girls.)
Randy: (voice over.) ...The women all left,...
Young Randy's Girls: Slea-yuh! (all leave.)
(Fast-cut to the doorway to Young Randy's Mansion as the Record Producer is kicking Young Randy out.)
Randy: (voice over.) ...And they took back my house!
Record Producer: (waving to Young Randy.) Slea-yuh!
Randy: (voice over.) The only thing I could do was come back to Colorado and face everyone that I had abandoned!
(Fast-Cut to a Bar in Colorado. Young Randy is having a beer. A young teenaged girl approaches him.)
Girl #2: Hey! Weren't you the guy in that stupid boy-band, The Ghetto Avenue Boys?!
Boy #1: (with a bunch of other young, teenaged boys.) Sure! I r'member you! (mimmicks Young Randy.) YOU GOT IT, BABY! YOU GOT IT, DUMBO! (everyone teases and laughs at Young Randy.)
(Cut back to Stan's House, the present time, where Randy has Stan seated on the couch.)
Randy: And so you see, Stanley, I DO know what I'm talking about!
Stan: Jesus Christ! I never knew!
Randy: I didn't want you to know, because now, I'm a joke! Ever since then, I have wished every single day that I could go back to that moment when I was offered the job and say "NO!", becasue all the fame, the money, the women, all it did was build me up so that I could be knocked down harder than anybody in the world! And that is what being in a boy-band is all about, Stanley! It's people smothering you and embracing you and loving you and then spitting you out and throwing you away like you were last night's pork chops! Now, we wander the earth in disarray! Us, New Kids On The Block, The Osmonds, we're all the same! And that is why you can't go to the mall! (leaves.)
Stan: (pause. continues sitting on the couch.) Okay!
(Cut to the South Park Mall. Central Plaza. The stage is set up. There is a small red curtain that says "FINGERBANG" which the four members of Fingerbang are standing behind, except Stan of course. There is a very small audience. Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Wendy peek out from behind the curtain.)
Kyle: (sees the small audience) Wow! There must be at least twenty people out there!
(they all go back behind the curtain.)
Cartman: WHERE THE HELL IS STAN?!
Kyle: He'll be here! Stan wouldn't douche!
Cartman: I SWEAR TO GOD, IF HE RUINS THIS DREAM OF MINE, I WILL HAVE HIS NUTS!
(The Mall Manager enters.)
Mall Manager: Hey! Uh! Are you gonna do that thing or what?!
Cartman: Yes! Yes sir! Any second! We're just waiting on one more member!
Mall Manager: Well, hurry up! I can't keep the Sausage and Cheese Cart off this spot much longer! (Indicates the Sausage and Cheese Cart standing in another area in the plaza.)
Cartman: Yeah! We'll start right away! (the Mall Manager leaves. to Kyle.) We'll have to do it without'im!
Kyle: Hell, no! I'm not being part of a FOUR member boy-band! We'll look stupid!
Kenny: {Yeah!}
Cartman: OH! GODDAMMIT!
(Cut to Stan's House. Randy's Room. Randy is sitting on the bed looking at an old Teen Heat Magazine with his picture on the front cover and small pictures of the other four Ghetto Avenue Boys. Stan enters.)
Stan: Dad!
Randy: Huh?! Yeah?!
Stan: Well, I just wanted to tell you that I don't think you're a joke! I mean, whatever you used to be, you're just my dad, and you're the best dad I've ever had!
Randy: C'm'ere, Stanley! (Stan sits beside him.) Stan, it was wrong of me to try and stop you from joining a boy-band without explaining why! I made some mistakes in my life, and now, I have to let you make your own mistakes!
Stan: Yeah!
Randy: You know, in a way, I think I was even jealous of you being in a boy-band! Isn't that stupid?!
Stan: Not really! Not any more stupid than some of the other stuff you've done!
Randy: Well, c'mon! I'll drive you down to the mall!
Stan: REALLY?!
Randy: Yeah! I wanna see what you guys can do, and then we'll go buy you a small toy so that you can forget all about this!
Stan: ALRIGHT! (they get up and leave.)
(Cut to the South Park Mall. Central Plaza. The audience is waiting for Fingerbang to start.)
Man #3: What's happening here?!
Woman #2: I don't know! I, I guess nothing!
Man #3: Hm! Well, let's walk away then! (he and Woman #2 leave.)
(Cartman sees the two people leaving from behind the curtain.)
Cartman: GODDAMMIT! PEOPLE ARE WALKING AWAY! (goes back behind the curtain. the Mall Manager enters again.)
Mall Manager: Alright, kids! Uh! That does it! You're gonna have to move and make way for the Sausage and Cheese Cart!
Cartman: Just another minute!
Mall Manager: Sorry! Get out!
(The four members are about to walk out.)
Cartman: (looks to the sky.) Well, God, I guess y'got me again, didn't you!? Yep! That was a good one, God! Hope it made you laugh, you sick bastard! (Wendy aproaches him.)
Wendy: What's that?! (point to the elevator and they both see Stan and Randy comming down on it.)
(Kyle and Kenny rejoin Wendy and Cartman.)
Kyle: It's Stan!
Cartman: Oh, thank you, God! Oh! Praise his name!
(Stan joins his group.)
Kyle: Dude! Where the hell've you been?!
(Cartman goes over to the Mall Manager.)
Cartman: Sir! We're all here now! Can we go on?! Please?!
Mall Manager: Who?! Well! Okay, I guess, but hurry up!
Cartman: We will!
(Pan to the front of the curtain. The five members of Fingerbang have just taken the stage with Cartman in front. Kenny is standing directly under the naked elevator shaft.)
Cartman: (addresses the audience.) Ladies and Gentlemen, we are about to witness the next great boy-band of the countrah! Someday, you will all be among those who can say "I saw Fingerbang when they first performed at some crappy little mall!"! (the Mall manager, in the audience, makes a little angry stare.) And so, without further ado, all five members of the...! (the elevator comes down the shaft and crushes Kenny into a bloody pulp.)
Stan: OH, MY GOD! THEY KILLED KENNY!
Kyle: YOU BASTARDS!
Cartman: No! He can't be dead!
(the elevator goes back up again and they can see the squished body of Kenny.)
Kyle: Dude! He's pretty dead?!
Cartman: NO! WE WERE SO CLOSE!
Mall Manager: Alright! That's it, kids! Get out!
Cartman: BUT, WE HAVE TO PERFORM!
Kyle: WE DON'T HAVE A FIFTH MEMBER, CARTMAN!
Stan: Oh, yes we do!
(Cut to the South Park Mall. Central Plaza. Later. Cartman takes the stage.)
Cartman: (addresses the audience.) Thank you all for your patience, and now get ready for FINGERBANG! (the music starts. Wendy, Kyle, and Stan come out along with their new fifth member, Randy Marsh, dressed in the baseball cap Kenny was going to wear and a skimpy shirt revealing his naked torso.)
Fingerbang: (singing.) Fingerbang bang! Bang! Bang! (the audience doesn't seem all that interested.) Fingerbang bang! Bang, bang, bang! (people from the audience start to leave.) I'm gonna Fingerbang bang you into my life! Girl, you like to Fingerbang and it's alright! (two Janitors scrape Kenny's squished body off the elevator like pizza off the ceiling) 'Cause I'm the king of Fingerbang! Let's not fight! I'll just Fingerbang bang you everynight! (Mall Cop #1 starts moving to the beat while Mall Cop #2 just stands still.)
Man #4: Off the stage! (leaves.)
Fingerbang: (singing.) Fingerbang bang you every night!
Cartman: CHA! (the five members of Fingerbang stand for their song-ending still pose.)
(a little applause from the few people who acutally had the guts to stick around for that show.)
Cartman: YES! YES! THANK YOU! YES!
(Cut to the South Park Mall. Central Plaza. After the concert. The two Janitors finish cleaning up any remaining blood, sweat, or puss of Kenny, and the Sausage and Cheese Cart is moved back onto the stage where it belonged. The five latest members of Fingerbang sit in front of the stage all exsausted. They all take their costumes off.)
Kyle: We made two dollars!
Stan: (to Randy.) You were great, Dad!
Randy: Yeah! I guess I still got it in me a little!
(A tiny little girl approaches Cartman with a pencil and notepad.)
Tiny Girl: (probably only three years old) Can I get your autograph?!
Cartman: Oh! Okay! Okay! (The tiny girl gives him the pencil and notepad. The Mall Cops approach.)
Mall Cop #1: (to the Tiny Girl) Hey! Don't hastle the tallent, ma'am!
Tiny Girl: I actually don't really know who they are! I was just getting an autograph and... (Mall Cop #1 gets out his pepper spray and sprays the Tiny Girl in her eyes.) ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (her eyes are all red.)
Mall Cop #1: Move along, ma'am! (the Tiny Girl leaves rubbing her eyes. to Cartman.) Hey, that was pretty good, kids! Maybe you can come perform at my Oucks Club sometime!
Cartman: Okay! Yeah! Maybe! (the two Mall Cops leave.) God! Now it's like everybody wants a piece of us!
Kyle: Yeah!
Cartman: I don't know if I can handle all this fame! I mean, I always thought I'd want to be famous, but now that I am, I don't know if I like it! I mean I probably can't even walk through this mall right now without people going "OH, MY GOD! IT'S THE FINGERBANG GUY! OH, MY GOD!"!
Kyle: Yeah! That's gonna suck!
Stan: Yeah! I just wanna be a normal kid again, have a normal life, and appreciate what I have!
Randy: I think you boys are very smart for your age! C'mon! I'll buy you all an Orange Smoothie!
Stan: I don't think they sell those anymore!
(Randy, Stan, and Wendy leave.)
Kyle: Hey, Cartman! D'you thik God's gonna be mad at you for not making ten-million dollars?!
Cartman: Aw, screw God! I'm not scared of him! He's a pussy! (Cartman and Kyle leave. Cartman comes back and looks to the sky.) Y'know I'm just kidding, right?! Heh! He, he, he! (leaves again.)
(Closing Credits. The End.)