Do The Handicapped Go
To Hell? Pt. 2
Episode #411
Transcribed by Lee Estall
(Open to Review of Episode 410. South Park Church. Priest Maxi is at the podium. Subtitle reads "PREVIOUSLY ON SOUTH PARK...".)
Announcer: Previously on South Park...!
Priest Maxi: Today, we are going to talk about HELL! (the kids become frightened by this sermon introduction.)
(Fast Cut to Hell. River Styx Condominiums. Satan and Chris's place. Saddam Hussein is greeting Satan at the door.)
Saddam: Hello, Satan!
Satan: Saddam!
(Fast Cut to Kyle's House. The Broflovskis are having a family discussion.)
Shiela: Us Jews don't believe in Hell!
Kyle: But what if we're wrong?!
(Fast Cut to the Cross Walk. Bebe, Clyde, Butters, Tokken, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are about to cross.)
Stan: Let's go! (the kids start to cross. Kenny gets taken away by the bus.) THEY KILLED KENNY!
Butters: He had sins that he didn't confess!
(Fast Cut to Hell. River Styx Condominiums. Satan and Chris's place. Saddam, Satan, and Chris are eating dinner. Saddam feels Satan's leg.)
Satan: No, Saddam! I told you! (slaps Saddam's hand away.) I'm with Chris now!
(Fast Cut to South Park Church. Priest's Office. Priest Maxi is talking with the kids.)
Priest Maxi: Boys, it is your Christian duty to save the souls of your friends!
(Fast Cut to Hell. River Styx Condominiums. Satan and Chris's bedroom. Chris and Satan are in bed half-asleep.)
Chris: I love you, Satan!
Satan: I love you too, Saddam!
Chris and Satan: (waking up in horror.) WHOA!
(Fast Cut to the Beach. The Happy Days Gang are on a motorboat next to a ramp which leads over a small shark-infested area of the water.)
Richie Cunningham: Fonz, there's no way you can jump that shark with your water-skis!
Aurthur Fonzarelli: Aiii! I've gotta try, Richie!
(Fast Cut to South Park Church. The Confessional Booth. Cartman opens the left-door and finds Mrs. Donovan with her dress pulled up.)
Mrs. Donovan: Oh! He, he!
(Cartman opens the other door and finds Priest Maxi with his pants pulled down who, all this time, was fucking Mrs. Donovan up her ass. The kids are shocked.)
Stan: Dude, if this guy's goin' to Hell, who's gonna save US?!
Cartman: Well, it looks like we're gonna have to save everyone in this town ourselves!
(Fast Cut to the Beach. Arthur Fonzarelli is about to make that water-ski jump. On the shore, the gang is rooting him on.)
Joanie Cunningham: GO, FONZ!
(Pan to the ramp. Arthur Fonzarelli enters onto the ramp.)
Arthur Fonzarelli: AIIIIII!
(The subtitle disappears.)
Announcer: And now, the exciting conclusion of South Park!
Arthur Fonzarelli: AIIIIII! (Lands in the shark-infested area of the water and gets eaten.) RRR! AAAAH! OOOOOH! WOOOOOH!
(Pan to the Shore. The Gang is in shock.)
Joanie Cunningham: Gasp!
Richie Cunningham: I told'im he couldn't do it!
(Cut to South Park Elementary. Playground. Cartman is preaching to the rest of the kids from school.)
Cartman: I AM SAYING THIS BECAUSE WE MUST BE SAVEDAH! THE LORD IS POWERFUL AND HE WILL SMOKE THE SINNERS AND SEND THEM TO EVERLASTING HELLAH! IF YOU DO NOT LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR HIMMAH, THEN TO THE LAKE OF FIRE YOU SHALL GOAH!
(All the parents and teachers enter approach the children.)
Principal Victoria: (to the parents.) You see that, parents? Your children have refused to come into class since this morning!
Cartman: (still preaching) WHEN GOD IS GONNA HEAL YOUR EYES AND SAVE YOU FROM THE DEVIL'S PINK EYES! OH, PRAISE HIS NAME!
Principal Victoria: (to Dee-Anne) I'm afraid your son is the leader, Ms. Cartman! Apparently, he's read the entire Bible, and now he's scaring the hell out of everyone!
Cartman: (still preaching) ...AS SOON AS YOU BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF GODDAH! DO YOU BELIEVE THAT HE HAS THE ABILITY TO...
Dee-Anne: Poopie-kins! It's time to stop preaching damnation to everyone, sweetie!
Stan: Don't you guys, um, persecrute our religious beliefs!
South Park Kids: YEAH!
Sharron: We're not trying to persecute you, kids, but you're supposed to be in school!
Stan: What purpose does school have?! The bible says the only goal in this life is to praise God and get into Heaven!
Kyle: Yeah! This life is short! The after-life is forever!
Principal Victoria: Don't listen to them, kids! You have to go to school!
Cartman: Many of you knew Kenny McKormic! He was a playful school boy and eight-year-old, and then yesterday, HE WAS SMACKED DOWN BY THE LORDDAH! (falling to the ground making a big thump and getting up again) GOD BITCH-SLAPPED HIM RIGHT TO THE FIREY DEPTHS OF HELLAH! SO WHEN WILL YOU GO?! TOMORROW?! TEN YEARS?! DOES IT MATTAH?! NO!! BECAUSE UNLESS YOU GIVE THIS LIFE TO THE LORD, THAT LIFE BELONGS TO SATANNAH!
South Park Kids: HUH!!
(The grown-ups all hang their heads.)
Cartman: (Kyle carries in a clipboard showing plans for the builing of a beautiful new church.) BUT WE CANNOT WORSHIP GOD IN THAT CHURCH WITH A PRIEST OF SIN-RESIDES, SO WE WILL BUILD A NEW CHURCHAH, WITH CRYSTAL WALLS, A CEILING EIGHTY FEET HAH, AND A SLIDE THAT CONNECTS THIS PART HNYA TO THIS PART HNYA! WHO WILL HELP US?!
South Park Kids: I WILL!
Cartman: PRAISE GODDAH!
(Cut to Hell. Bargain Hotel. Satan is standing outside of Saddam Hussein's hotel room where we last left him. He ponders between meeting Saddam and keeping his commitment with Chris, his new lover.)
Satan: If I go spend the night with Saddam, then it's over between me and Chris! (looks at Saddam's Key to room #16) Chris has been so nice to me and I know Saddam will just hurt me again! M'maybe I'll just go talk to Saddam! I need closure! Yeah! That's it! I need closure! (walks up to the door of room #16.) What'm I doing?! (is about to walk away when Saddam Hussein opens the door.)
Saddam: (wearing a purple robe, smoking a cigarrette, and drinking a martini.) What took you so long, baby?!
Satan: Saddam, I'm just here to talk!
Saddam: Great! Let's talk! (they both enter the room.)
(Pan inside Room #16. Saddam walks over and sits on one side of the double-bed.)
Saddam: Mmm! This bed is comfy-womfy!
Satan: Saddam, I only came here because I need closure!
Saddam: Sounds fine! You know me! I'll try anything!
Satan: No! Saddam, listen to me! (walks over and sits on the other side of the bed.)
Saddam: Would you like a drink?!
Satan: Um, maybe just a little one! (Saddam pours him a drink) I have to back soon! I need you to understand that we can't be together anymore! (Saddam turns on the TV to a channel where a Sherriff is pulling down his pants to let some guy in a white undershirt and jeans suck on his dick.) I need you to not come by the condo and not try to see me! Chris thinks we can all be friends, but I don't, and I have to focus on CHRIS now! (looks at the TV) What is this?!
Saddam: These hotels have all kinds of crazy channels!
Satan: Saddam, will you listen to me?! Chris is a great person! He's the one I wanna be with now!
Saddam: Really?! So then...what're you doin' here?! (Satan looks at the TV and so does Saddam who start playing with himself.) I don't know about you, but this video's gettin' me pretty HOT!
Satan: Saddam!
Saddam: (pours Satan another drink.) Here have another drink! (Satan drinks it.)
(Cut to Bargain Hotel, Room #16. The Next Morning. Satan is sleeping in the bed.)
Satan: (wakes up) Whoa! Whoa! God! My head! Drank to much! Chris?! (looks to the other side of the bed to find Saddam Hussein with all his crazy sex toys all resembling penises. Saddam is wearing a lingerie and has a whip.) Oh, no! (looks around the room and sees many other sex toys, mega lube, Antonio Banderas blow-up doll, a goat, and others.)
Saddam: (holding a bottle of Vegetable Oil.) Man! Look at that! We went through fourteen bottles of vegetable oil! (rubs more oil on his body.) Ooo! I'm all greasy!
Satan: (gets out of bed.) Oh, God! What time is it?!
Saddam: Last night was AWESOME! Are we together again now?!
Satan: I don't know! I'I guess so, but now I have to go home and tell Chris!
Saddam: SCREW HIM!
Satan: No, Saddam! I at least owe him an explaination! I just don't know what I'm gonna say! (leaves.)
Saddam: I know how to solve his little problem! (Rubs the oil on his body.)
(Cut to Mexico. The Tour Bus, which supposedly killed Kenny in the previous episode, drives into Mexico. The Bus Driver speaks to the tourists aboard on a PA System.)
Bus Driver: (on PA.) We are now entering Ensenada! The second largest city on the Mexican Baha Peninsula! We have now traveled over two-thousand miles since leaveing New York City! (the bus stops at a Gasolina Station) We'll just be stopping here for a few moments for gas and then our tour will continue on to its final destination!
(A Mexican Gas Attendant has a mop and looks under the bus.)
Mexican Gas Attendant: Oiga! Aya gopay oh alawatawus!
Bus Driver: (out the window from in the bus. American Accent.) Que?! What's stuck to the bottom of the bus?!
(The Gas Attendant pokes under the bus and out falls Kenny.)
Kenny: {Oo-oof!}
Bus Driver: Oh, goodness! We must've run over a little Mexican further up north! Is it okay?!
Mexican Gas Attendant: Yes! Okay! Si?!
Bus Driver: Well, here's fifty for the gas! (pays the Gas Attendant.) Adios! (drives away.)
Kenny: (gets up.) {Where am I?!}
Mexican Gas Attendant: Que?!
Kenny: {WHERE AM I?!}
Mexican Gas Attendant: Que?!
(Cut to Cartman's Church. Cartman's Front Yard. We see the drawn building plans which depicts a shiny beautiful church and then we see the actual almost-finished product which looks all junky, raggy, and crappy. The South Park Kids are building it out of wood, metal scraps and old peices of cloth. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman look upon this new church.)
Cartman: It is beautiful! Thine church is almost completeth!
Stan: There's no way God would wanna send us to Hell now!
Kyle: Yeah! This church kicks a...it! It kicks!
(Kyle's Mom and Dad enter.)
Gerald: Hello, boys!
Kyle: DON'T TRY TO TAKE ME AWAY AGAIN, MOM AND DAD! I TOLD YOU! I RENOUNCED THE JEWISH FAITH!
Shiela: It's not that, Kyle! It's just that Eric's mother needs to see you all right away! (Stan and Kyle look and Cartman) Just really quick! She says it's very important!
Cartman: Very well! Yea! Guys, let us walk to mine home and see what my mom wants! (Stan, Kyle, and Cartman leave.)
Shiela: (to Gerald.) I sure hope this works!
(Cut to Cartman's House. Cartman, Kyle, and Stan enter. They hear the TV showing Terrence and Phillip.)
Terrence: (on TV) Would you like a monkey claw, Phillip?! (farts. laugh track.)
(The three boys walk through the living room where they see Cartman's toys lying everywhere.)
Terrence: (on TV) That called a mondy claw because...
(Dee-Anne enters with Powdered Donut Pancake Surprise.)
Dee-Anne: Hello, kiddies! I made you all Powdered Donut Pancake Surprise!
Stan: Wow! Cool!
Cartman: No! It's a trick! Do not vex me, old temptress!
Dee-Anne: What?!
Cartman: This is a distraction from our work on the church! (takes a donut and eats it.) Do not think that you can tempt us with toys, and new games, and tidings of Powdered Donut Pancake Surprise, FOR IT IS THE AFTER-LIFE WE ARE CONCERNED OURSELVES WITH! (finishes his donut.) NOT THE PLEASURES OF THIS EARTH, BUT SALVATION IN THE WORLD AFTAH!
Stan: Yeah!
Dee-Anne: Oh, well, alrighty then! (leaves the Powdered Donut Pancake Surprise on the couch and goes into the Kitchen.)
(Pan to the Kitchen where Stan's Parents, Kyle's Parents, and Sister Anne are standing. Dee-Anne enters.)
Dee-Anne: I don't think it worked!
South Park Grown-ups: Aw!
(Pan to the Living Room where the kids are still standing around, and Cartman has powdered donut on his face.)
Cartman: Let us get back to our work at the Church! (The phone rings.) Yea! I shall answer the phonnah! (picks up the phone.) Hello!
Kenny: (in Mexico. on the phone.) {Cartman! Cartman, you gotta hurry and pick me up!}
Cartman: (listens and pauses) Oh, my God!
Stan: What?!
Cartman: It's Kenny! He's calling from beyond the grave!
Stan: Kenny?! What's he say?!
Kyle: Ask'im what Hell is like!
Cartman: (on the phone) Kenny! You have to tell us about Hell! Give us every last horrible detail!
Kenny: (in Mexico. on the phone.) {Um!}
(Cut to Hell. River Styx Condominiums. Satan's Place. Satan stands at the door.)
Satan: Oh, God! Chris is gonna be so mad at me! Well, here goes! (enters the condo. Chris is on the couch waiting for him.)
Chris: Hey, you!
Satan: Hi, Chris!
Chris: You...were out all night!
Satan: (still looking and sounding guilty.) Yeah! I just spent the night walking around the Marina!
Chris: Satan! You know you're not a very good liar! You went and saw Saddam! Didn't you!?
Satan: Yes!
Chris: Satan, I understand!
Satan: What?!
Chris: I still feel secure and safe with you!
Satan: Oh! Uh, NO!
Chris: What?! What's wrong?! I said it's okay!
Satan: I know!
Chris: Well, what more do you want from me?!
Satan: Well, could you not be such a pussy about it?! I mean, can't you just say "If you ever see Saddam again, I'll break your legs!" or...or "I'm gonna go kick Saddam's ass!" or something?!
Chris: Satan, I'm a nineties man! I cry when I need to! I share my feelings and I keep my mind open about everything!
Satan: Just...give me some boundries! Be jealous! Go throw a football around, for Christ sake!
Chris: Now you're starting to hurt my feelings!
Satan: (faces away from Chris) Uh...I'm sorry, Chris! It's...It's not you! Really! It's...It's me! You're the best thing that's ever happened to me and, for some reason, I just can't accept that! (while Satan's not looking, Saddam comes in through the window directly from behind where Chris is sitting and unsheaths a daggar.)
Saddam: DIE, PUSSY! (sticks the daggar into Chris' head.)
Chris: AAAAAH! (dies.)
Satan: (turns around) CHRIS! SADDAM, WHAT THE HELL'RE YOU DOING?!
Saddam: There! I got rid of the problem for you! Now there's no conflict!
Satan: No! Not like this! (covers his face.)
(Cut to Cartman's Church. Inside. Cartman is preaching to the Kids of South Park.)
Cartman: FRIENDS, I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT LAST NIGHT, I RECEIVED A PHONE CALL from beyond the graveh!
South Park Kids: HEH!
Cartman: IT WAS OUR DEPARTED FRIEND, KENNEH CALLING FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL, AND HE DESCRIBED WHAT HELL IS LIKE IN HORRID DETAILAH! HE SAID THAT IN HELL, THE SMELL IS AWFULL! HE SAID THAT IN HELL, EVERYONE SPEAKS SPANISH!
South Park Kids: (starting to get terrified.) HAH!
Cartman: HE SAID THERE IS WATER IN HELL, BUT IF YOU DRINK IT, YOU PEE BLOOD OUT YOUR ASS FOR SEVEN HOURSAH!
South Park Kids: BLEGH!
Cartman: AND PERHAPS WORST OF ALL, IN HELL, THERE ARE DOZENS AND DOZENS OF LITTLE TRINKIT STORES, BUT THEY ALL HAVE THE SAME LITTLE TRINKITS IN THEMAH!
South Park Kids: AAH!
(Marcie's Mom and Dad enter.)
Marcie's Dad: WHERE IS OUR DAUGHTER?!
Marcie: (standing from her pew.) Dad?!
Marcie's Dad: MARCIE! YOU'RE COMMING HOME THIS INSTANT!
Cartman: WE ARE SAVING YOUR DAUGHTER FROM THE CLUTCHES OF HELL, SAH!
Marcie's Dad: You're not gonna make my daughter part of your cult!
Cartman: YOUR DAUGHTER COULD DIE TOMORROW! AND THEN WHAT?!
Marcie's Dad: You're just a stupin little fat kid who thinks that...(a sharp board falls on his head and cuts open his head revealing blood)...AAAAAH! (dies.)
Marcie's Mom: Stephen! (Everyone looks upon the death of Marcie's Dad. Marcie's Mom gets closer to her dead husband.) STEPHEN! NO!
Cartman: THE LORD HAS SPOKEN AGAINAH! OH, FORGIVE US LORD FOR OUR SINSAH!
South Park Kids: FORGIVE US LORD!
Cartman: Let us pray! Heavenly fathah, do not send us to Hell! We're sorry! Whatever we did, we're sorrah!
Marcie's Mom: (touching his husband's head) Stephen! STEPHEN!
(Long Pan to Hell. The entrance. All the world's recently departed are standing around the entrance to hell. Marcie's Dad appears out of thin air.)
Marcie's Dad: Where...where am I?!
New Hellion #1: WHERE ARE WE?!
New Hellion #2: Oh, my God! I've gone to Hell!
New Hellion #3: (Italian Woman) WAZZAPANING?!
New Hellion #4: AAAAAH!
Hell Director: (on a stage near the entrance. on a microphone.) Hello, new-commers! Welcome! Can everybody hear me?! Hello! (taps his mic.) Can everybo...okay! Uh, I'm the Hell Director! Uh, It looks like we have about eight-thousand, six-hundred, and fifteen of you newbees today, and for those of you who were a little confused, uh, you ARE dead and this is Hell! So, abandon all hope and, uh, yadayadayada! Uh, we're now going to start the orientation process which will last about...
New Hellion #5: Hey, wait a minute! I shouldn't be here! I was a totally strict and devout Protestant! I thought we went to Heaven!
Hell Director: Yes, well, I'm afraid you were wrong!
New Hellion #6: I was a practicing Jehova's Witness!
Hell Director: Uh, you picked the wrong religion as well!
New Hellion #7: Well, who was right?! Who gets into Heaven?!
Hell Director: I'm afraid it was the Mormons! Yes! The Mormons were the correct answer!
New Hellions: AWW!
Hell Director: So now, I'd like to quickly introduce your new ruler and master for eternity, Satan!
(Satan appears out of a burst of flame.)
Satan: ERRRAAAAAAAAAAH!
New Hellions: AAAAH!
Satan: NOW, YOU ARE ALL PART OF MY DOMAIN! EVERY DAY IN HELL GROWS HOTTER AS MY MINIONS...AS MY M'MINIONS, UH...I'm sorry! I just can't do this today! I'm just...I'm sorry! (starts to walk away.)
(Long pause of confusion.)
Hell Director: Okay! Thank you, Satan! Now, let's begin with the most uh, uh...!
Chris: (among the crowd of New Hellions.) SATAN!
Satan: (turns around and sees Chris.) CHRIS! (they both approach each other with joy.) But I thought you were dead!
Chris: Yeah, well, where was I gonna go?! Detroit?!
Satan: Chris, I didn't mean for Saddam to stab in...
Chris: Hey! It's alright! All that matters is that I'm back and we're together forever! Right?!
Satan: Uh! Yeah! G'great!
New Hellions: (who have been witnessing Satan reuniting with Chris.) Awe!
(Cut to Cartman's House. Cartman is sitting at the Living Room table next to Clyde Frog making plans for his next sermon.)
Cartman: Let's see! Mathew fifteen, one one! "Not that what goeth into the mouth defileth a man, but that which comes OUT of the mouth defiles a man."! That's a good one, Clyde Frog! Interesting!
(Sister Anne and Dee-Anne enter.)
Dee-Anne: Eric, Sister Anne has come to visit you!
Cartman: Yea! It is nice to see you, Sister, but I must prepare for my next sermon! (Dee-Anne leaves.)
Sister Anne: Eric! You need to stop what you're doing! You need to tell all the kids to go back to school and back to their normal lives!
Cartman: (shows Sister Anne the Bible.) Sister, have you read this book?!
Sister Anne: Yes, Eric! A lot more than you have!
Cartman: Then you know what it says happens to those who don't follow the Lorddah!
Sister Anne: Eric, the Lord doesn't just send everybody to Hell! That wouldn't make sence! He wants people to live their lives!
Cartman: Are you saying that what the Bible says isn't true?!
Sister Anne: No!
Cartman: We've got Jews and perverts and bullies and all kinds of sinners in this town, Sister Annah! And without the priest, we decided to save ourselves! THE ONLY ONES THAT KIDS CAN TRUST NOW ARE ME AND THE JESUS!
Sister Anne: (annoyedly sulks.) Aagh! (gets up.) Wait a minute! That's it! (leaves.)
TV Preacher: (on TV) AND I'M GONNA SAVE ALL OF YOU RIGHT NOW! I'M GONNA HEAL YOUR SINSAH! (a woman approaches the TV Preacher who does a faith-healing slap on her face while two other believers catch her.)
Cartman: (watching this on TV) Whoa!
(Cut to Hell. Bargain Hotel. Chris enters and knocks on the door to Room #16 wher Saddam Hussein is staying. Saddam Answers.)
Saddam: HELLO, SATAN...Ah, oh, crap! It's you!
Chris: Yeah! It's me!
Saddam: I thought I killed you!
Chris: Yeah well...
Chris and Saddam: Where was I gonna go?! Detroit?!
Saddam: Right! Right!
Chris: Y'ave a couple minutes to go for a walk?!
Saddam: A walk?!
Chris: Yeah! Just real quick! Around the park or something!
Saddam: Is this some kinda trick?!
Chris: No! I just want you to go for a quick walk with me! Please?!
Saddam: Well, alright! Just let me grab somethin' real quick! (walks into the Kitchen. Pan to the Kitchen.) Na, na, na, na, na! (picks up the same daggar which he used to kill Chris before.) Na, na, na, na, na, na. (goes back to the door. Pan to the door. keeps the knife behind his back.) Okay! Let's walk!
(Chris and Saddam take a walk through a beautiful green municipal Hellion park. Pan along the way. There are a few lava craters, a bench a skeleton tied to a beautiful green tree, a swingset with a skeleton sitting on it, and the rest of Hell in the background.)
Chris: Saddam, I get the feeling that you don't like me very much!
Saddam: Gee! Whatever gave you that idea?! When I stabbed you in the head?!
Chris: Look! Satan is a very important person to me, and I know he's an important person to you too! So, don't you think it's best for us to just try and get along?! I realize that some things about me bother you, so I'd like to hear what those things are so that I can work on them!
Saddam: Y'KNOW WHY I DON'T LIKE YOU, CHRIS?! BECAUSE YOU'RE THE KINDA GUY WHO IF SOMEONE DIDN'T LIKE 'IM, HE'D TAKE 'IM FOR A WALK IN THE PARK, AND ASK 'IM WHY!! YOU'RE A PUSSY!! (takes out the daggar and stabs Chris in the shoulder) DIE!!
Chris: AAAAAAAH! (Saddam picks up a shovel and cuts Chris' leg off.) OH, GOD!
Saddam: AH, HA, HA, HA! (goes to attack Chris some more.)
Chris: NOOOO! (takes the daggar out of his shoulder and stabs Saddam in the eye.) AH!
Saddam: AAAAAAH! (smacks Chris down with the shovel.)
Chris: OW! (Saddam lands on top of him and rips out his heart.) ULEHAL!
(Ironically, both Saddam AND Chris die.)
(Cut to Cartman's Church. Cartman is preaching again with Kyle on stage with him.)
Cartman: TODAY, THIS JEWISH BOY AND ALL SINNERS ARE GOING TO BE SAVEDAH! KYLE, DO YOU BELIEVE IN GODDAH?!
Kyle: YES!
Cartman: DO YOU WANT TO BE SAVED FROM HELLAH?!
Kyle: YES!
Cartman: THAT'S GOOD, BECAUSE RIGHT NOW, ALL THE JUDAS IS COMMING OUT OF YOUR BODDAH, BEIN' REPLACED BY THE SPIRIT OF GODDAH! (slaps Kyle in the face.) BAH!
Kyle: OW! (carresses his face.)
Cartman: PRAISE GOD! HOW D'YA FEEL NOW?! D'YA FEEL THE LIGHT OF GOD INSIDE OF YA?!
Kyle: Uh, I think so!
Cartman: PRAISE THE LORDAH!
South Park Kids: YEAAAAH!
(Two Alter-Serving Kids help Kyle off the stage and back to his seat.)
Cartman: (Sings) FOR HE IS LORD! HE IS LORD! (Speaks) BRING UP THE NEXT PERSON! (Timmy rolls up in his wheelchair.) THIS BOY HAS BEEN CRIPPLED WITH SINNAH, BUT I HEAR GOD SAYING THAT THIS BOY WILL WALKKAH!
Butters: (from his seat.) Eh, HALELUJAH!
Timmy: (on stage.) TIMMEHHHHHHH!
Cartman: WE ARE GONNA SAVE YOU AND YOU ARE GONNA WALK WITH THE LORDDAH!
Timmy: TIMMAH!
Cartman: DEVIL, BE GONNAH! (Slaps Timmy's face.)
Timmy: Aaaaah!
Cartman: NOW WALK, TIMMEH!
Timmy: Aaaaah!
Cartman: COME ON, TIMMY! GET OUT OF THAT CHAIRRAH! THE LORD WANTS YOU TO WALK, TIMMEH! WALK, TIMMEH!
(Timmy actually stands up from his wheelchair and begins to walk.)
Timmy: TimMAH!
Cartman: HE WALKSAH!
South Park Kids: WOW!
Timmy: WHOAAA! (falls forward, breaks a hole in the stage, and falls through.)
Cartman: YES! PRAISE THE LORDDAH!
South Park Kids: PRAISE THE LORD!
(Cut to Hell. Satan is talking with a cute and tiny Little Hellion Girl with blonde hair, a pink dress, and a bow to match.)
Satan: ...And now it's like there's one guy who's horrible to me but I'm totally sexually attracted to, and then one guy who's really nice to me but I'm not sexually attracted to at all!
Little Hellion Girl: Wow! That really sucks!
Satan: I've asked everybody for advice, but nobody seems to know the answer!
Little Hellion Girl: Well, there's one person who I always used to ask when I needed advice!
Satan: Who?!
Little Hellion Girl: God!
Satan: God?! I can't do that?! I'ven't spoken to God in, like, five thousand years!
Little Hellion Girl: Well then, maybe it's time!
(Satan ponders this.)
(Cut to Cartman's Church. This time, everyone is singing.)
South Park Kids: (singing and clapping) DOO D'LOO DOO! DOO DOO DOO! DOO DOO DOO!
Cartman: (sings) FOR HE IS LORD! LORD LORD LORD! (a boy wearing glasses approaches Cartman. Cartman speaks.) WHERE'RE YOU FROM, LITTLE BOAH?!
Boy in Glasses: Denver!
Cartman: AND GOD IS TELLIN' ME THAT YOU HAVE BAD EYE SIGHT! IS THAT IT?!
Boy in Glasses: Yeah! That's right!
South Park Kids: WOOOOO!
Cartman: WELL, GOD IS GONNA HEAL THOSE EYES AND SAVE YOU FROM THE DEVIL! BEGONNAH! (slaps the boy in the face.)
Boy in Glasses: Eh! (falls over as two assistants catch him.)
South Park Kids: HOORAY! (the two assistants lead the boy off the stage.)
Cartman: (sings.) FOR HE IS LORD! LORD LORD LORD! (approaches an Ugly Girl who is already on stage. speaks.) RIGHT HERE, WE HAVE A LITTLE GIRL WHO IS VERREH VERREH UGLEH! D'YOU BELIEVE HE'S GOING TO CURE YOUR FACE OF THE UGLEHZ?!
Ugly Girl: YES!
Cartman: HE'S GONNA TAKE THAT UGLY FACE AND MAKE YOU REASONABLE TO LOOK AT! (slaps the Ugly Girl in the face.) BAP!
Ugly Girl: Waaaah! (falls over.)
Cartman: (wiggles his slapping hand.) WAAHLAAHLAAAHLAHLAH! OH, GOOD LORD! SOMEBODY SAVE MEH!
South Park Kids: AMEN! (singing) LORD LORD LORD!
(Cut to Heaven. Satan appears and a group of Mormon Angels enters and welcomes him.)
Mormon Angel #1: Hi, hi! Welcome to Heaven, brother! You followed the Mormon faith, and so you've been led in!
Satan: Uh, actually, I'm just stopping by!
Mormon Angel #2: Well, you picked a great time! We've got cookies and punch and we're just about to start playing charades!
Mormon Angels: ALRIGHT! YEAH!
Mormon Angel #1: Then, Brother Steven's brought his guitar so we can sing songs about how much it hurts to lie!
Mormon Angels: WOO HOO! YEAH!
Satan: Uh, look! I just need to talk with God! Is he around?!
Mormon Angel #2: Sure! All you have to do is say his name and he's there!
Mormon Angel #1: I'm so grateful for that!
Mormon Angels: ME TOO!
Satan: Great! Thanks! (walks away from the Mormon Angels.)
(Pan to another part of Heaven. Satan approaches.)
Satan: Ahem! Uh, hello! G'God! It's, uh, Satan!
(A light shines upon Satan. God approaches Satan in the same form that he took in Episode 316 - Are You Ther, God? It's Me! Jesus!.)
God: Yea! Look upon me and know me!
Satan: Hi, God!
God: Hello, Satan! It's been a long time!
Satan: Yeah!
God: What brings you here?! D'you wish to mount your unholy war against heaven?!
Satan: No! I have a problem and I need your advice!
God: D'you want to rule more than Hell?! D'you want to destroy the earth?!
Satan: No! It's kind of a long story, but, well, it all started when this Iraqie dictator Saddam Hussein was killed by a pack of wild boars! I remember when I first met 'im in Hell! It was a lovely morning in April!
(God listens with most interest.)
(Cut to Cartman's Church. Cartman is still singing and preaching.)
Cartman: (crawling on his back. sings) HOSANNAH! PRAISE THE LORD! (gets up and speaks.) AND NOW, UH, I'M RECEIVING A MESSAGE DIRECTLY FROM GODDAH! GOD IS TELLING ME THAT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU IS TO WALK UP TO THE STAGE AND GIVE ME ONE DOLLAR! (the music stops. Cartman brings a box to the stage that has a dollar sign on it.) SO I WANT EVERYONE TO FEEL THE LOVE OF GOD BY COMMIN' UP HYAH AND PUTTING A DOLLAR IN THE BOXAH! (some kids start comming up to the stage donating their money.) COME ON! DON'T BE SHAH! COME ON, NOW! (more kids come up to donate.)
Stan: (to Kyle) Dude, that seems kind of weird!
Kyle: Yeah! I don't remember 'im saying anything about this!
(Cut to Heaven. Satan is just finishing up his story to God.)
Satan: And now, Chris and Saddam just keep killing each other over and over, and I don't know which one to pick!
God: Jesus! What the hell happened to you?!
Satan: Huh?!
God: Y'got kicked out of here for being a head-strong rebel, and now, you're a whinny little bitch!
Satan: Well, I just don't know which one to pick!
God: No! You've become dependant on relationships, so you haven't even considered the option of not being with either of them! If you're not sexually attracted to someone, you're not ever going to be, but Saddam isn't right either! He's the other extreme! You need to spend time alone so that you can find the balance, the middle ground! That's what I always do, because I'm a budhist!
Satan: God, you're right! Y'know, I've had steady relationships for the last thousand years, and when one ends, I just start another one, but I'ven't been takin' the time to be secure with myself!
God: Bingo! (A fly buzzes aroung. God eats it with his tongue like a frog would.)
Satan: Hey! Thank's, God! I forgot how clear you make things sometimes!
God: It was nice to see you again, Satan!
Satan: You too!
God: Goodbye! (turns back into a light and ascends.)
(The Mormon Angels approach Satan again.)
Mormon Angel #2: Would you like to stay for some cookies and punch?!
Mormon Angel #1: Yes! Would you?!
Satan: Uh, no! I need to be getting back!
Mormon Angel #2: Oh! Alright then, but you're gonna miss our big play!
Mormon Angel #3: Yes! We're going to do a play about how alcohol can ruin family life!
Satan: Uh, that sounds great, but, uh, I really gotta go! (dissappears in a burst of flame.)
Mormon Angel #1: Well, he seemed like a nice fellow!
Mormon Angel #3: Yes!
(Pause.)
Mormon Angel #2: Let's go make things out of egg cartons!
Mormon Angels: OOOH, YEAH! ALRIGHT!
(Cut to Cartman's Church. Backstage. Stan and Kyle enter to see Cartman rolling around in money wearing only his underwear.)
Cartman: Y'ye'ess! Y'ye'hes! It worked, y'guys! It actually worked!
Stan: What worked?!
Cartman: E'everybody bought the whole act! They keep giving and giving until we have it all!
Stan and Kyle: WHAT?!
Kyle: You're keeping that money yourself?!
Cartman: Of course, y'guys, and then we can make TEN MILLION DOLLARS! Look! The tooth fairy thing didn't work, the boy-band thing didn't last, so I tried this route!
Stan: Waitwaitwaitwaitwait! You mean that this whole thing has just been a way for to make ten million dollars?!
Cartman: It all came to me days ago when we were first in Sunday School!
Stan: But what about going to Hell and all that?!
Cartman: Dude, if God is all understanding, he wouldn't send us to Hell! Even Sister Anne told me that!
Kyle: THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US?!
Cartman: My brain is of a much larger size than y'guys's! I couldn't expect you to understand, not until you actually saw the cashflow!
Kyle: THE ONLY THING OF YOURS THAT'S LARGER IS SIZE IS YOUR BIG FAT ASS!
Cartman: (rolls in the money) Suck my balls!
Stan: Dude, I am so disillusioned right now!
(Cut to Hell. Saddam and Chris are still fighting to many deaths.)
Saddam: (runs toward Chris with a medium-sized rock.) DIE, PUSSY! (hits Chris in the head with the rock.)
Chris: OW! (falls down, gets up, and bare-handedly tears off Saddam's leg.)
Saddam: AAAAAH! (grabs his broken-off leg from Chris and hits him in the head with it.)
Chris: AH! (falls down, gets up, and the two have a tug-o-war with the broken-off leg. Just then, Satan approaches.)
Satan: Guys! Guys! Guys! (The two of them stop fighting.) Look! You both can stop fighting now! I've made a decision!
Chris: You have?!
Satan: Yes! I...don't want to be with either one of you!
Saddam and Chris: What?!
Satan: Saddam, you're an asshole, and you'll never be the friend that I want! And Chris, well, you're a pussy, and you'll never be the lover I want! So I'm just gonna be alone for a while and learn to like myself!
Chris: Satan! Can we go for a walk in the park?!
Satan: No! I'm not going on a walk! You're a pussy, Chris, and you drive me crazy! Go away!
Chris: Fine! (leaves.)
Saddam: Well, you can't leave ME, Satan! I won't let you!
(Satan feels trapped and threatened.)
(Cut to Cartman's Church. Cartman is preaching as Kids are still donating money.)
Cartman: TODAY IS ANOTHER DAY, AND YET ANOTHER DOLLAR THE LORD NEEDS FROM YOUAH! SO COME ON UP AND GIVE TO THE LORDAH!
(Sister Anne enters.)
Sister Anne: Alright, kids! It's time to go! It's time for this to stop!
Cartman: SISTER ANNE IS A BLASPHEMAH!
Sister Anne: I know you won't listen to me! That's why I brought somebody else!
(Jesus Christ enters wearing his halo and white robe.)
South Park Kids: WOW!
Brown-Haired Boy: Jesus!
Cartman: Uh-oh!
Jesus: Kids, you need to all stop spending all your time here and go back to school!
Cartman: Jesus! Ixnay on oolscay!
Jesus: God doesn't want you to spend all your time being afraid of Hell or praising his name! God wants you to spend your time helping others and living a good, happy life! That's how you live for HIM!
Cartman: Y'YES, BY DOING THAT AND PUTTING A DOLLAH IN THE BOXAH!
(Pause of stares.)
Bebe: Let's go ice skating!
South Park Girls: YAAAAY! (Leave.)
Butters: W'we can help Timmy learn how to ice skate too!
Another Boy: Yeah!
(All the Kids of South Park leave babbling and talking amongst each other about what they're going to do for the day.)
Cartman: NO! COME BACK! YOU'LL FACE EVERLASTING DAMNATION! WAIT! (watches the last kid leave. only Cartman, Jesus, Stan, and Kyle are left behind.) NO! NO, I CAN'T BE CHEATED OUT OF MY TEN MILLION DOLLARS AGAIN! GODDAMMIT!
Kyle: Serves you right, Cartman!
Stan: Yeah!
Jesus: But Eric, I think this time, I have to teach you a lesson! I'm sending you somewhere to think about your sins!
Cartman: You're gonna send me to Hell?!
Jesus: No! Worse!
(Cut to Mexico. The tour bus drives up, drops Cartman off, and leaves. Kenny runs up to him.)
Kenny: {ERIC! ERIC!}
Cartman: (sees Kenny for the first time since his supposed death in the previous episode.) AW! CRAP!
(Cut to Hell. Satan is taking a walk in the park, as did Chris and Saddam, only Satan is by himself now.)
Satan: Da, da, da, da, da! (meets two Hellions.) Hi, Bob! Hi, Rick!
Hellion #3: Hi, Satan!
(Just as the two Hellions leave, Saddam enters.)
Saddam: There you are!
Satan: Oh! Not again!
Saddam: You know you can't live without me! NOW GET THAT ASS BACK TO BED!
Satan: Saddam, I told you! I don't need you anymore!
Saddam: You can't leave me, Satan! Nobody leaves me!
Satan: YES I CAN! RAAAR! (throws a ray of fire at Saddam and burns a hole in his torso.)
Saddam: AHAGH! AW, Y'LITTLE PRICK!
Satan: Goodbye forever, Saddam!
Saddam: Cough! What're you talking about?! You can kill me, but I'll be back tomorrow!
Satan: Not this time! I asked a favour of an old friend of mine to let you in!
Saddam: Let me in where?! (disappears in a blaze of fire.)
(Cut to Heaven. Saddam appears.)
Saddam: What the...?! HEY! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS PLACE?!
(The Mormon Angels approach.)
Mormon Angel #4: Hello and welcome!
Mormon Angel #1: We're glad you made it, brother!
Saddam: Hey! Who the hell are you?!
Mormon Angel #5: We're just about to do a play about how much stealing hurts you deep inside! Come join us!
Mormon Angels: Yes! C'mon! Let's go! You're here forever!
(The Mormon Angels carry Saddam off.)
Saddam: NO! N'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (his echo is heard way out in the air.)
(CLOSING CREDITSAH! THE ENDDAH!)